Tag: Taurus

the daily humorscopes for saturday, june 25

the daily humorscope 

Saturday, June 25, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
An elderly gentleman next to you on the bus will spontaneously combust, today, and you’ll become an instant celebrity when you put him out with a Slurpee ™. Eventually, they’ll make a prime-time TV drama about the incident.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Beware of Poles. Particularly dark-haired women of Polish extraction. Due to an oddity of genetic significance, they will all be intensely silly for a few weeks.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will discover a large black obelisk out on the lawn today, which obviously weighs several tons. You will be amazed at the effort some people put into a practical joke.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will begin a bitter and drawn-out battle with a gopher. You don’t stand a chance.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Beware of galoots, today.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Excellent time to do some personal reengineering. I mean, face it – your mother simply wasn’t much of an engineer…
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You’re having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you. Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine? That, and accordion music, always do the trick for me.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Someone will soon approach you with an idea. Stay well clear of it.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Several people, quite independently, will tell you moose jokes today, or otherwise attempt to discuss moose with you. This is their subtle way of telling you that you’re having a “bad hair day”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will start having strange dreams of becoming an aquatic creature. Eventually, you’ll spend nearly all your time in the water, and will attempt to get strangers to throw you fish.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Today you will discover that there is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. A silly nose wiggle ranks pretty highly, though.

Weekend Lunar Love Horoscopes for June 24 – 26

Weekend Love: Lunar Love

by Jeff Jawer

A Dose of Adventure

June 24 – 26

A fast and loose Friday fits the lunar landscape as the Moon is firing through irrepressible Aries. The freedom to change plans and act spontaneously can break through behavioral barriers with bold action and reckless abandon. New experiences and people can be especially stimulating yet impulsiveness can spur attraction or anger that may be regretted in a day or so. There is, though, one softening influence as the Moon makes a sweet sextile with alluring Venus to brighten up the late afternoon and early evening.

There’s a changing of the emotional guard on Saturday afternoon when the Moon swings into earthy Taurus. This comfort-loving sign moves at a slower pace, like Ferdinand the Bull leisurely smelling the flowers. Taurus is all about enjoying the pleasures of the senses, encouraging us to linger over good food and lounge around partaking in pleasing music or mellow conversation. Normally, this isn’t a very adventurous sign which would prefer to stay on the couch than go out to a club. However, a lunar conjunction with adventurous Jupiter and the Sun’s slick sextile to this giant planet add a big dose of optimism and a generosity of spirit that could make for a very special Saturday night.

The quiet confidence of Taurus is rewarded when we are comfortable with ourselves and don’t work so hard to impress others. Hope can be very high with these buoyant aspects, but it’s not quite the moment to make long-term commitments because whatever delicious social treats we discover on Saturday may taste very differently on Sunday. The Sun clashes with rebellious Uranus in a 90-degree square, making us suddenly more interested in independence and freedom than in pairing up and settling down.

the daily humorscopes for friday, june 24

the daily humorscope

Friday, June 24, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Your neighbor thinks his dog is so smart, it’s starting to bug you. The thing to do is cover a book with a book cover that says “Quantum Physics for Dogs”, and train your dog to lay next to it, along a pad of paper covered with scribbled equations and a chewed-on pencil…

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You’ve been finding that the best-laid plans of mice and men often go astray. Or is that awry? Awiggly? It’s something along those lines. Anyway, the thing to do is to fire your mice.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Through a casual remark in an elevator, you will realise that both you and your fellow passenger have seen John Cleese’s informational film called How To Irritate People. By the time you reach the 10th floor, you will both be severely vexed with one another.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you’ll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that’ll hurt.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Yesterday’s bathtub mystery will be explained today. Still, you’ll have no idea what to feed the penguin. Pizza might work, I’d think.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You’re in luck! What you thought was existential nausea is really only a mild case of salmonella poisoning. So you can sell back that Complete Works of Jean-Paul Sartre.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
As a joke, you will put a remote controlled monster under someone’s bed. That will be really funny, although perhaps not quite as funny as when they put a real monster under yours.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbor’s place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbor is the Energizer Bunny.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will discover that your manager was frequently taunted with a rubber chicken during his formative years. This will go a long ways towards explaining some of the things you’d been wondering about.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Despite protests from a variety of organizations, you will organize a charity event called a “squid fling”. Due in part to excellent media coverage, you will be quite successful. Mostly, though, you will succeed because nearly everyone has a secret desire to fling a squid.
 
 
 

the daily humorscopes for thursday, june 23

the daily humorscope 

Thursday, June 23, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will spend most of the day attempting to tie knots in a piece of cord, using only your toes. You will be unable to say why, but this will seem like a useful skill to you, at the time.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
People will tease you about wearing your golf shoes indoors. Don’t you mind them, though — they’re undoubtedly just jealous.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A hive of naked mole rats will move in with you today. You will find that they are relatively tidy creatures, but that it’s a trifle difficult to explain their presence to your friends.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will make some new friends today. One of them will be on some sort of “sacred quest”, which will make a good ice-breaker. (“So…what’s with the coconuts?”)
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
A man with a single eyebrow is following you. You haven’t borrowed any money lately, I hope?
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It’ll be fun at first, but later you’ll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you’ll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Excellent time to start a new company, making software to help people with mental problems. You will call it SchizoSoft. Your motto: “Who Do You Want To Be Today?”
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You’re fussing with your hair too much. Perhaps you should temporarily cut back on shampoo. Or at least demand real poo.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
In a stroke of pure marketing genius, you will start a company to sell fresh-roasted peanut butter door-to-door. Your sales people may find the peanut costumes a bit uncomfortable, at first, however.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You’ve been finding that the best-laid plans of mice and men often go astray. Or is that awry? Awiggly? It’s something along those lines. Anyway, the thing to do is to fire your mice.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
It’s about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say “Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant.”
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will spend this week trying to get to the bottom of things. The good news is, you will succeed! The bad news is, the bottom of things is sometimes ugly, and often smells bad.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, june 22

the daily humorscope

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will be on your way downtown today, when you will be struck by an odd thought. Fortunately it will bounce harmlessly off you.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Your ACME Rocket Sled arrives today!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will be afire with enthusiasm today! Unfortunately, someone will put you out.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
It’s ok to spill the wine today, if you feel you really have to. Under no circumstance should you dig that girl, however.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will lurk, today. There’s nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it’s occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good day to make a call from a pay-phone in a busy place, and say (in a loud voice) “You dumped the body WHERE?.”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will be traumatized by an episode with a stapler, today. You will be unable to even look at a stapler for several weeks, without trembling.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
The mythic asteroid Chaeron, in collaboration with the uneasy spirit of Atahualpa (the last Inca king), will act to produce a gastric upset of epic proportions, today. Keep your chakras clear, and carry some Imodium.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Late in the day today you will notice that people seem to be staring at your nose. Don’t worry, though. It’s probably nothing.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will get a new job, soon, in which your most important activity will be to periodically “jiggle a little thingy”. While it will pay well, this will prove to be somewhat awkward to explain at parties. Eventually you will hit on the ploy of saying you sell insurance…
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
It is a joyous time to vaccuum. Yes, you’ll have more fun than you can stand, pushing that new vac around. So what, if other people don’t understand? Unfortunately, an evil asian gentleman named “Fu” will kidnap your beloved vaccuum cleaner, a few years from now, and you will be faced with an ethical dilemma. Enjoy life while you still can, is my advice.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will attempt to single-handedly bring the “Spaghetti Western” back from obscurity. Your first film will be “A Fistful of Noodles”, in which an aging Clint Eastwood rides into town. This time, however, he will resolve the differences between the Baxters and the Rojos by inviting them all over for a nice pasta dinner.

the daily humorscopes for june 21

 

 

the daily humorscope

 

 

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will finally find your spirit guide today, and your life will take on new meaning. Unfortunately for you, your spirit guide will turn out to have a sense of humor.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Don’t forget your towel, today. I usually find I’m less likely to forget things, if I wrap them around my head. Everyone has their own mnemonic tricks, though.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A scruffy-looking fellow who you’ve never seen before will come up and offer you a very strange-looking raisin muffin. Good idea to decline, in this instance.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Absolutely marvelous day to complain, grumble, gripe, or whine. Remember: if you’re going to do something, do it well.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You’ve always felt, like Socrates, that the unexamined life is not worth living. There’s no need to use a microscope, however.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Those spiders are growing larger around your house, and it’s becoming more of a challenge to escape. You may want to consider acquiring a flame thrower. (Hint: illicit nuclear dump nearby.)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will be tickled without mercy, today. Oddly, you will not be able to see your assailant.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
E-coli. It’s what’s for dinner!
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
It’s time to stop beating around the bush. Move on to beating around the ornamental shrubbery.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Bad news: people think you’re becoming paranoid. Isn’t that just typical, though? I mean, they don’t even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they?
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Remember – every cloud has a silver lining, and every problem is an opportunity in disguise. So next time you see a problem, just imagine it without the fake nose and glasses.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however – and make sure you don’t stray into crustyness.

the daily humorscopes for monday, june 20

the daily humorscope

Monday, June 20, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will decide to take up juggling, today, and will become exceedingly good at it. Eventually, you’ll start an offbeat new religion, and proclaim that Supreme Truth will be revealed to those who juggle.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will become a bit nervous when you spot the Feldsteins, next door, doing a Bantu war dance. Perhaps you should call in sick today, and just stay indoors watching Wheel Of Fortune?
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Dispite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother’s recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will finally come to understand what Mies Van der Rohe was talking about when he said “Less is more.” He was talking about his brother, Lester Van der Rohe, and was referring to a small weight-gain problem.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today an ecologically-minded organic foods co-op will move into your home, while you’re away. You’ll be smelling whole-wheat fig bars for months, even if you succeed in extricating them. (Which is unlikely, in today’s political climate. They need somewhere to hide. Have a heart.)
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Someone named Tyrone is about to sell you a vacuum cleaner. There’s nothing much you can do about it, I’m afraid.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will have trouble with the telephone, in which, no matter what number you call, you reach “Mo’s Leather Emporium”. Don’t take it lightly.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will go into business making those little sugar packets that restaurants use, and make a fortune. The restaurants will have to use fewer of yours than anyone else’s. Is it due to the pictures on the packets, of really fat people? Who knows.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You are being followed by fierce warriors of the Nez Perce tribe. You know – those guys with the little frameless glasses on the chains around their necks? Not surprisingly, many of the Nez Perce became fierce librarians.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will become trapped in the sofa, again. People will point and laugh.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
It was a simple mistake, which anyone could have made. What’s more, now you know better. I think, though, that the expression is too widespread for you to actually get it changed to “never look a gift horse in either end”.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing. Better come up with some new excuses, quick! You can do that while you’re coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home.

the daily humorscopes for sunday, june 19

the daily humorscope 

Sunday, June 19, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A hexapod robot will run away from its laboratory today, change its name to “Bob”, and take up residence with you. Eventually, you’ll become best friends.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
This is a good day to bake. Cinnamon rolls would be good. Or perhaps some crusty bread. If you follow my advice, you will make friends and influence people. Otherwise a horrifying fate awaits you. No pressure, though. Do what you feel is right for you.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Let a smile be your umbrella, today. Tomorrow: letting a grimace be a pair of hip-waders.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
It’s about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say “Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant.”
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Your relationship is reaching the point where you may as well discuss the Big Question – there’s no point in going further if you don’t see eye to eye on that. By Big Question I’m referring to “crunchy” versus “creamy”, of course. Why, what did you think I meant?
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask yourself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it’d be fun to have.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
It is a joyous time to vacuum. Yes, you’ll have more fun than you can stand, pushing that new vac around. So what, if other people don’t understand? Unfortunately, an evil Asian gentleman named “Fu” will kidnap your beloved vacuum cleaner, a few years from now, and you will be faced with an ethical dilemma. Enjoy life while you still can, is my advice.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Angst day, today.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Excellent day to fly a kite shaped like a life-sized pterodactyl. Try to get it to hover just outside someone’s office window.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today you can have lots of fun by beaming at people, and telling them how fresh your brand of soap makes you feel. If that doesn’t work, try explaining how your detergent gets your shirts their brightest.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It’s not like you didn’t get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it’s your own darned fault, I’d say.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Good day to use the expression “just dandy” as much as possible. Tomorrow: “okey dokey” day.

the daily horoscopes for friday, june 17

the daily humorscope

Friday, June 17, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will go on a boat ride, and a deranged bunny will swim towards you in a threatening manner. Unfortunately, this episode will be caught on videotape by a tourist, and your dreams of a political career will be forever dashed.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Terrific day to saunter. Don’t let it turn into a mosey, though.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You are about to invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will name the “Nighty Knight.” You should be ashamed of yourself.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will overhear a whispered conversation, regarding how cute it is the way someone wiggles their tushy when they walk. You will have an uncomfortable feeling that they may be referring to you. This may make you a trifle self-conscious.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered “egg” in your friend’s basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry…
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Someone will tell you that you “run funny.” Just ignore them. (And be very glad they didn’t see you throwing a baseball.)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Why did life develop in this fragile boundary between earth and sky? Because life exists at the edge of chaos. You’ll find that is particularly true, this week.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will stack furniture in the bathtub, today. That’s just the sort of thing you would do, your friends will say.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Someone will stop you today, to ask directions. Tell them to take the second star to the right, and go straight on till morning. (I personally never ask for directions, since I find it’s always much more effective to find someone who looks like they know where they’re going, and follow them. I also always tell people that my name is “Svlad”. It’s something to do.)
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will discover a sure-fire method of fooling all the people, all the time. It will have something to do with Cottage Cheese.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Your requests are being ignored. Often you can get people to pay attention by simply adding a few words to the end of your request, such as “Pick up your socks, dear, or die screaming.”
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will figure out how to avoid your enemies, much to their bafflement. Basically, if you’re walking along and the background music changes to a kind of eerie theme, and the volume begins to increase…turn around and go the other way. Simple, huh?

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, june 15

the daily humorscope

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will be overcome by a desire to learn a new skill, probably knitting. Resist it. You will read something about power tools, in a magazine with a blue cover, which will change your life.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will make several somewhat inadviseable impulse purchases today. Fortunately, you will be able to return all of them, except for the Hormel “100 Years Of SPAM!” decorative wallclock.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A person wearing a frilly pink tutu will appear, uninvited, at your next potluck event. He will become quite ornery, when you ask him to leave.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will have a trifle too much punch at a party this week, and will amuse the other guests by flopping around on the floor an making “Ark! Ark!” sounds. But who cares? If they want to be stuffy, let ’em, I say.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will be sucked into a multi-level marketing organization today, and will lose all your friends, along with your self-respect. Later, though, you’ll realize that your new friends are much better than those old friends, and that you feel like you’re part of a big “family.” Or at least, that’s what you’ll say.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
While attending a sance “just for fun”, you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
While cracking your knuckles today, you will be a bit startled to hear a “ping” sound rather than a “pop”. That’s a bad habit, anyway.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will discover that you can wiggle your ears today, and will actually become quite good at it. People will invite you to parties.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to bring home a bag or two of live bugs.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Thirteen short bearded men will invade your living quarters soon, eat all your food, and drag you off on an ill-advised adventure, much to the amusement of an elderly gentleman of your acquaintance.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will discover a new “5th law” of Thermodynamics. The first law says “you can’t win”. The second law says “you can’t break even”. The 5th law, however, says “never draw to an inside straight”.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Remember that those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Normally that’s not a big deal, but since your accounting department just changed its name to “The Mongol Horde”, you might take notice.