the daily humorscope
Friday, June 17, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will go on a boat ride, and a deranged bunny will swim towards you in a threatening manner. Unfortunately, this episode will be caught on videotape by a tourist, and your dreams of a political career will be forever dashed.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Terrific day to saunter. Don’t let it turn into a mosey, though.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You are about to invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will name the “Nighty Knight.” You should be ashamed of yourself.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will overhear a whispered conversation, regarding how cute it is the way someone wiggles their tushy when they walk. You will have an uncomfortable feeling that they may be referring to you. This may make you a trifle self-conscious.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered “egg” in your friend’s basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry…
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Someone will tell you that you “run funny.” Just ignore them. (And be very glad they didn’t see you throwing a baseball.)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Why did life develop in this fragile boundary between earth and sky? Because life exists at the edge of chaos. You’ll find that is particularly true, this week.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will stack furniture in the bathtub, today. That’s just the sort of thing you would do, your friends will say.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Someone will stop you today, to ask directions. Tell them to take the second star to the right, and go straight on till morning. (I personally never ask for directions, since I find it’s always much more effective to find someone who looks like they know where they’re going, and follow them. I also always tell people that my name is “Svlad”. It’s something to do.)
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will discover a sure-fire method of fooling all the people, all the time. It will have something to do with Cottage Cheese.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Your requests are being ignored. Often you can get people to pay attention by simply adding a few words to the end of your request, such as “Pick up your socks, dear, or die screaming.”
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will figure out how to avoid your enemies, much to their bafflement. Basically, if you’re walking along and the background music changes to a kind of eerie theme, and the volume begins to increase…turn around and go the other way. Simple, huh?