the daily humorscopes for sunday, june 26

the daily humorscope

 

Sunday, June 26, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19
You will be hired as a cook/housekeeper for 7 extremely short gentlemen, who all live together. Stay away from apples, for a while.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good time to get your finances in order. Luckily, in your case that simply means putting the one dollar bills in front of the fives, in your wallet.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Excellent day for light conversation. Good starting points might be “Have you ever thought much about death?” or “Where’s the strangest place you ever had sex?.”
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Slow day today. Surprisingly, it will be due to a time/space anomaly caused by a localised anti-tachyon surge, and will mainly occur in your neighbourhood. Time-flow should return to normal soon.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to discuss zoospores (motile usually naked and flagellated asexual spores, especially of an alga or lower fungus) with casual acquaintances.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbour’s place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbour is the Energizer Bunny.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You will title the collection “Yo Mama By The River”.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
This week will find you explaining gender roles to the clueless. For example, men MUST continue to channel surf on the TV, no matter how interesting the show is that they stumble onto. Women must watch what shows up on the channel they’re watching, no matter how boring it is. It’s just how these things are done. Women commit and regret it. Men don’t commit and regret it. It’s in our genes. Some kind of adenine/guanine/trampoline chemical thingy.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Dogs barking. Can’t fly without umbrella.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Having trouble sticking to that diet, aren’t you? It’s even harder when you see all those enticing commercials for fast food on TV. The trick to dealing with those is to use your imagination – mayonaisse becomes shaving cream, a burger becomes coompressed compost, and everything else is coated with synthetic motor oil. Which, these days, is pretty close to the truth.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You need to get more exercise, but can’t tear yourself away from the computer. Do what I do: glue your keyboard to the ceiling, and get yourself a mini-trampoline!

the daily humorscopes for friday, june 24

the daily humorscope

Friday, June 24, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Your neighbor thinks his dog is so smart, it’s starting to bug you. The thing to do is cover a book with a book cover that says “Quantum Physics for Dogs”, and train your dog to lay next to it, along a pad of paper covered with scribbled equations and a chewed-on pencil…

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You’ve been finding that the best-laid plans of mice and men often go astray. Or is that awry? Awiggly? It’s something along those lines. Anyway, the thing to do is to fire your mice.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Through a casual remark in an elevator, you will realise that both you and your fellow passenger have seen John Cleese’s informational film called How To Irritate People. By the time you reach the 10th floor, you will both be severely vexed with one another.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you’ll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that’ll hurt.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Yesterday’s bathtub mystery will be explained today. Still, you’ll have no idea what to feed the penguin. Pizza might work, I’d think.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You’re in luck! What you thought was existential nausea is really only a mild case of salmonella poisoning. So you can sell back that Complete Works of Jean-Paul Sartre.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
As a joke, you will put a remote controlled monster under someone’s bed. That will be really funny, although perhaps not quite as funny as when they put a real monster under yours.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbor’s place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbor is the Energizer Bunny.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will discover that your manager was frequently taunted with a rubber chicken during his formative years. This will go a long ways towards explaining some of the things you’d been wondering about.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Despite protests from a variety of organizations, you will organize a charity event called a “squid fling”. Due in part to excellent media coverage, you will be quite successful. Mostly, though, you will succeed because nearly everyone has a secret desire to fling a squid.
 
 
 

Daily Horoscopes for Wednesday, May 18

 

General Daily Horoscope

 

Today’s philosophical Sagittarius Moon widens our horizons and expands our visions beyond the normal boundaries. Fully opening our eyes allows us to see the world from a new perspective. However, we are tempted to resist inspirational ideas now as the Moon forms discomforting sesquisquares with Venus, Mercury and Mars in pragmatic Taurus. Fortunately, it’s possible to feel enthusiastic about the possibilities without needing to act on any them.

 

Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Your impatience could get the best of you today. Even if you have important responsibilities to fulfill, you still might try to sidestep them so you have time for more pleasurable activities, too. Although you could feel invincible now, you probably won’t be able to escape unnoticed. Don’t be surprised if you are held accountable for any inconsiderate actions. As is often the case for you, thinking about the consequences before leaping into action is the smartest strategy.

 

Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

It’s not productive to spend too much time questioning your values today, even if someone’s behavior makes you wonder about your own priorities. Nevertheless, your desires may not be as altruistic as someone else’s now. Keep in mind that everyone is different and comparing yourself to anyone else is a pointless exercise. What’s most important is simply being true to yourself.

 

 

Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

The enthusiastic Sagittarius Moon is visiting your 7th House of Partners, indicating that others may encourage you to take on more than you want to handle. Fortunately, you can be revitalized by what you accomplish if you agree to participate in someone’s project. But you might already be busy today, and turning down an invitation could place you in an awkward position. Nevertheless, it’s better to be honest now than sorry later.

 

 

Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

You may be rather surprised with your current willingness to get involved in someone’s plan now, especially if you need to relinquish control. It might even be a relief to be a passenger without having to also play the role of a back seat driver. It doesn’t matter what kind of activities you have on your calendar; the thought of doing something different today brings a smile to your face.

 

 

Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

The upbeat Sagittarius Moon is traveling through your playful 5th house now, giving you the green light to kick up your heels and have fun. No matter how busy you are, make a little time today just for yourself. Get outside for a walk, schedule a massage, or do something creative that helps you to unwind. Take care of yourself and recharge your batteries. Today, it’s truly all about you.

 

Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

Usually others rely on you to think critically and analyze the situation. But you may not be very logical now because you’re seeing the world through a very optimistic lens. Fortunately, your life could be in really good shape, but you still might be happier if you delay an important decision and simply enjoy yourself today. The Moon’s visit to your 4th House of Family suggests that you should take time to relax at home instead of making your imprint on the world. Even if there’s plenty of work to do, grab the chance to play for a while, instead.

 

 

Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Your idea of making it through the day might not include keeping so busy that you cannot find a moment to relax. Unfortunately, you may not have time to slow down and enjoy yourself. Thankfully, your willingness to be flexible can be your secret weapon, allowing you to have fun while maintaining your hectic schedule. You can always do what you wish on another day.

 

Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

You may be lost in your current exploration of grandiose ideas about what you want to accomplish now, but you won’t make much progress if you try to do too much. Your energy level is high, enabling you to respond to others quickly, but you can easily burn through your reserves faster than you expect. You might think that you’re like the Energizer Bunny, but it’s smarter to react slowly and steadily like the tortoise if you want to finish the race.

 

Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

You cannot contain your excitement now that the Moon is back in your enthusiastic sign. You are already aware that you are dealing with some challenging issues, and this increases your desire to have some fun now, while you can. Don’t waste energy feeling guilty about being spontaneous and avoiding your responsibilities. If you’re not gone for too long, you can slip back and finish your chores before anyone realizes that you stepped away.

 

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Playing down your confidence is one way of sneaking in below the radar today. If your co-workers are aware of your positive energy, they will likely expect even more from you. However, if they can’t see the glint in your eye, you could get away with some mischievous behavior. Your strategy may be sound, but your plan can backfire. You’ll have a better shot at having fun now by letting the good times roll instead of holding yourself back.

 

 

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Your friends are the source of inspiration today as they include you in their adventurous plans. Unfortunately, things get complicated when there are overlapping events because you can’t do two things simultaneously. Make choices early in the day to lessen the stress that will arise if you try to juggle too many activities. For now, less is still better than more.

 

 

Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

The Moon’s current visit to your 10th House of Public Responsibility can temporarily turn you into a mother hen as you realize how much others need your help. But you would be wise to carefully examine your motives, even if you think that your intentions are honorable. Your need to save another lost soul and cure the sick is admirable if you are driven by true compassion. But your assistance might not be as helpful as you think if you’re trying to prove to others how much you care.