Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You will be on your way downtown today, when you will be struck by an odd thought. Fortunately it will bounce harmlessly off you.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Your ACME Rocket Sled arrives today!

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You will be afire with enthusiasm today! Unfortunately, someone will put you out.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

It’s ok to spill the wine today, if you feel you really have to. Under no circumstance should you dig that girl, however.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You will lurk, today. There’s nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it’s occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Good day to make a call from a pay-phone in a busy place, and say (in a loud voice) “You dumped the body WHERE?.”

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You will be traumatized by an episode with a stapler, today. You will be unable to even look at a stapler for several weeks, without trembling.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

The mythic asteroid Chaeron, in collaboration with the uneasy spirit of Atahualpa (the last Inca king), will act to produce a gastric upset of epic proportions, today. Keep your chakras clear, and carry some Imodium.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Late in the day today you will notice that people seem to be staring at your nose. Don’t worry, though. It’s probably nothing.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You will get a new job, soon, in which your most important activity will be to periodically “jiggle a little thingy”. While it will pay well, this will prove to be somewhat awkward to explain at parties. Eventually you will hit on the ploy of saying you sell insurance…

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

It is a joyous time to vaccuum. Yes, you’ll have more fun than you can stand, pushing that new vac around. So what, if other people don’t understand? Unfortunately, an evil asian gentleman named “Fu” will kidnap your beloved vaccuum cleaner, a few years from now, and you will be faced with an ethical dilemma. Enjoy life while you still can, is my advice.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You will attempt to single-handedly bring the “Spaghetti Western” back from obscurity. Your first film will be “A Fistful of Noodles”, in which an aging Clint Eastwood rides into town. This time, however, he will resolve the differences between the Baxters and the Rojos by inviting them all over for a nice pasta dinner.