the daily humorscopes for sunday, june 19

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

A hexapod robot will run away from its laboratory today, change its name to “Bob”, and take up residence with you. Eventually, you’ll become best friends.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

This is a good day to bake. Cinnamon rolls would be good. Or perhaps some crusty bread. If you follow my advice, you will make friends and influence people. Otherwise a horrifying fate awaits you. No pressure, though. Do what you feel is right for you.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Let a smile be your umbrella, today. Tomorrow: letting a grimace be a pair of hip-waders.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

It’s about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say “Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant.”

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Your relationship is reaching the point where you may as well discuss the Big Question – there’s no point in going further if you don’t see eye to eye on that. By Big Question I’m referring to “crunchy” versus “creamy”, of course. Why, what did you think I meant?

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask yourself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it’d be fun to have.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

It is a joyous time to vacuum. Yes, you’ll have more fun than you can stand, pushing that new vac around. So what, if other people don’t understand? Unfortunately, an evil Asian gentleman named “Fu” will kidnap your beloved vacuum cleaner, a few years from now, and you will be faced with an ethical dilemma. Enjoy life while you still can, is my advice.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Angst day, today.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Excellent day to fly a kite shaped like a life-sized pterodactyl. Try to get it to hover just outside someone’s office window.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Today you can have lots of fun by beaming at people, and telling them how fresh your brand of soap makes you feel. If that doesn’t work, try explaining how your detergent gets your shirts their brightest.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It’s not like you didn’t get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it’s your own darned fault, I’d say.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Good day to use the expression “just dandy” as much as possible. Tomorrow: “okey dokey” day.