the daily humorscope
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will spend most of the day attempting to tie knots in a piece of cord, using only your toes. You will be unable to say why, but this will seem like a useful skill to you, at the time.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
People will tease you about wearing your golf shoes indoors. Don’t you mind them, though — they’re undoubtedly just jealous.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A hive of naked mole rats will move in with you today. You will find that they are relatively tidy creatures, but that it’s a trifle difficult to explain their presence to your friends.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will make some new friends today. One of them will be on some sort of “sacred quest”, which will make a good ice-breaker. (“So…what’s with the coconuts?”)
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
A man with a single eyebrow is following you. You haven’t borrowed any money lately, I hope?
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It’ll be fun at first, but later you’ll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you’ll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Excellent time to start a new company, making software to help people with mental problems. You will call it SchizoSoft. Your motto: “Who Do You Want To Be Today?”
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You’re fussing with your hair too much. Perhaps you should temporarily cut back on shampoo. Or at least demand real poo.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
In a stroke of pure marketing genius, you will start a company to sell fresh-roasted peanut butter door-to-door. Your sales people may find the peanut costumes a bit uncomfortable, at first, however.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You’ve been finding that the best-laid plans of mice and men often go astray. Or is that awry? Awiggly? It’s something along those lines. Anyway, the thing to do is to fire your mice.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
It’s about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say “Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant.”
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will spend this week trying to get to the bottom of things. The good news is, you will succeed! The bad news is, the bottom of things is sometimes ugly, and often smells bad.