Tag: Capricorn

the daily humorscopes for thursday, july 21

the daily humorscope

 

Thursday, July 21, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will rescue several hostages from a life-or-death situation, using only a banana milkshake and a length of twine. Film at 11.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Beware of Doug.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Rhubarb pie is the only antidote for your ailment. Trust me on this one. Also, someone’s been teasing your cat.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
The world will be dim and grey, and cold. Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names. Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light. Either that, or you’ll get gum stuck to your shoe. (Sometimes these things are hard to read.)
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
In a strange turn of events, it will turn out that people wearing glasses not only look smarter, they ARE smarter (and have better memories). You’ll forget all about that when you take off your reading glasses, of course.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will discover Pablo Picasso’s secret. He didn’t deliberately invent cubist art. He just liked painting accident victims.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Bring extra. You’ll need it.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Excellent day to sneak.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say “bad bush!” in a loud stern tone.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You look rediculous in that. Go and change.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Avoid friends who’ve had sudden personality changes, today. And always watch the skies.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
People are starting to take you a bit too seriously. Try wearing your bunny slippers to work.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, july 19th

the daily humorscope

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will narrowly avoid a collision on the sidewalk today, as a small giggling person runs past you, being hotly pursued by a weeping incoherent person waving a ham sandwich. Aside from that, a pretty typical day.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Some strange “hooting” creature will hide in your bushes today. You should be able to drive it off by whacking the bushes soundly with a kitchen broom.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You are sad about an upcoming event, but can do nothing about it. Try knitting — people say it’s wonderfully relaxing.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
An elderly gentleman next to you on the bus will spontaneously combust, today, and you’ll become an instant celebrity when you put him out with a large diet coke. Eventually, they’ll make a prime-time TV drama about the incident.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Excellent day to come up with new theories to explain the universe around you. Remember: the simplest explanation is usually the best. For example, most physicists today subscribe to the “Big Band” theory of the creation of the universe. I have an alternate theory that I prefer, which I call “Tuba Ensemble”.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will soon learn to fear and loath the word “diaper”. Don’t know why.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
When you were young, your heart was an open book. You used to say “live and let live”. But if this ever-changing world, which we live in, makes you give it a miss, say “live and let die”. Or something.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day for a nice nap.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today is an excellent day to wink slyly at people, just as they are turning away. When they look back, smile innocently.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to bring donuts to a meeting. Later, ask people how their diets are going.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You’ll find what you need under “Music, Instruction” and under “Cavorting, Instruction”. Don’t get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though — they’re really only needed by professionals.

the daily humorscopes for monday, july 18

the daily humorscope

Monday, July 18, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today is the second-to-last day, of the 19th segment of your life. Time to learn to appreciate tofu (bean curd).
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will get through the day without too much trouble today. It would go even more smoothly, however, if you had bought that laser cannon when you had the chance.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You may be drinking a little bit too much coffee lately. That could explain why everyone else is moving so slowly, or why they say “What was THAT!?” in a verrrrry slow, deep voice, every time you walk by.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good time to be logical and willing to admit error. This will amaze and confuse everyone, and some of them will be so flustered that they’ll try it themselves. Just don’t keep it up for too long – you might get “stuck” like that, and go through the rest of your life like some kind of freak!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Your window of opportunity is rapidly closing! Don’t worry too much, though – the screen door of possibility is still ajar.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
To your vast embarrassment, you will be unable to describe the differences between halibut, sole, and flounder. It’s easy to remember, though — they are (in order) “big”, “small”, and “clumsy”.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will be buffeted by hordes of people, who will all simultaneously show up in your office “just to chat”. Eventually, you will make your escape by locking yourself in the bathroom.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will discover, today, that you can whistle and hum at the same time. This will entertain you for hours.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Beware of bubonic plague today. Other than that, things will be fairly normal.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will have a visit from “The Scourge of Valderia”. He’s thin, small, balding, wears little round glasses, and dresses in a rumpled blue suit. Still you don’t want to cross him.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You are about to leave a footprint in the sands of Time. The editors of Time would prefer it if you’d ask permission first.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You’ll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.

Weekend Lunar Love Horoscopes for July 15 – 17

Weekend Love: Lunar Love

by Jeff Jawer

Easy, Breezy

July 15 – 17

A Full Moon in hyper-responsible Capricorn late on Thursday night tends to place productivity above pleasure as you’re reminded of your worldly obligations. Happily, for lovers and those seeking romance, the Moon floats into airy Aquarius on Friday afternoon to blow away accumulated worries. This friendly sign sets the mood for the weekend, making it easy to connect with people as conversations flow freely.

A non-judgmental atmosphere opens minds to all different styles of dress and entertainment. A more tolerant environment is great for exploring unusual individuals and unfamiliar experiences. Experimenting within a current partnership or when seeking a new romance reduces the pressure and increases interest.

You are able to strike a healthy balance between your need for adventure and a more mature approach to your obligations as the Moon aligns favorably with reliable Saturn on Saturday morning and with passionate Mars that night. But all this activity occurs in air signs that are more comfortable with ideas than emotions.

People may appear to be open and accessible, which is true to a degree, but you could come away with the feeling that you haven�t connected in a deep way. If you try to crowd someone or feel like a person is invading your personal space, politely step away and explain your need for a little privacy.

The weekend works best for those who like romance on a non-committal level, as if it’s a chance encounter of two ships passing in the night. Deep feelings and intimate moments are still possible; just don’t expect most people to be in the mood to deal with the sticky details of complicated emotions.

Moon Signs

Just as the sun does, the moon travels through the constellations of stars that we call the zodiac; or astrological signs. Whereas the sun take a year to travel through them all, spending approximately thirty days in  each sign, the moon usually spends two and a half days in a sign, thus  passing through the whole zodiac in approximately one lunar month. Does the moon actually travel through these signs? No, of course not. It appears to do so from our vantage point on Earth, however.

Each sign has a different personality that affects the lunar (or solar) energy when the luminary is passing through it. For example, if your spell is to help you meet new people, then you might choose to cast it when the moon is in the sign of Libra, the sign associated with social issues.  The lunar energy you use to power your spell will be enhanced with Libran energy. Here’s a list of correspondences for the signs of the Zodiac. The correspondences are applicable to the moon, and of course to the sun as well:

  • Aries   energy is good for new beginnings and action

  • Taurus   energy is good for manifestation

  • Gemini   energy is excellent for communication and intellectual pursuits

  • Cancer   energy is associated with family and the home

  • Leo   energy is good for success

  • Virgo   energy is organized and practical

  • Libra   energy is terrific for social issues

  • Scorpio   energy is passionate and just

  • Sagittarius   energy is associated with study

  • Capricorn   energy is stable and good for business issues

  • Aquarius   energy is excellent for issues involving groups of people

  • Pisces energy is associated with mysticism and spiritual evolution

the daily humorscopes for friday, july 15th

the daily humorscope 

Friday, July 15, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will design a really wonderful new type of placemat, today, and it will make you fantastically wealthy, providing you get it on the market before your competitors.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will take comfort in the thought that Jesus loves you, particularly since nobody else likes you very much.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good day to curl up with a good book. Later, you will build a fort out of your furniture and some sheets, and shoot rubber bands at people.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Don’t you owe someone a thank-you note? If not, send one anyway — that’s always fun.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud “smooching” sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying “these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don’t they?” I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
A Ph.D. degree in parapsychology is in your future. Despite what you may have heard, however, the corresponding career path is not terribly rewarding. You will get to see a lot of furniture move by itself, of course, so that’s a plus.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
While attending a seance “just for fun”, you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to bring an asparagus sandwich and a nice thermos of Cream-of-Meatloaf Soup for lunch.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
As a joke, you will send off a resume for your dog to a company which wants to hire an extrusion manager. Surprisingly, he will not only get the job, but will earn more than you.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting “Hark!” however.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This week you will angrily tell someone that you are more than just a name and a number! You are also punctuation!

the daily humorscopes for thursday, july 14th

the daily humorscope

Thursday, July 14, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to buy a stereo microscope, and examine that stuff under your toenail. Well, as good a day as any.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Someone will ask you if you’d like some “fresh ground pepper” on your salad. Personally (this may be just a “Ron” thing), I always say “yes” to people carrying a baseball bat, outside a playing field.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Someone will try to give you an egg salad sandwich today. Refuse them. Be polite, yet firm.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Excellent day to make odd hand gestures at people you don’t know.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You haven’t been sleeping well, but that will soon change. You will develop the knack of falling instantly asleep whenever you want to — either at night, or during boring meetings.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
A coworker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That’s about what you should expect, though, from a cow “orker.”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Drip, drip, drip. Dunno. Something like that will be in your life, soon. I’ll bet it’s something good!
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Your neighbors will have a wild party, which you’ll catch glimpses of through the open window. You’ll know you shouldn’t watch, but it’s just hard to imagine how people can do that, especially on a trampoline.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be “strictly bass”. One must have standards, after all.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I’m not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be “The Screaming Weasels”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Soon you will get into accounting, “just for the thrill of it”.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will become fascinated by the unlikely use of the same word to mean very different things. For example, what is the link between “seasons” as changes in the weather and “seasons” as in what you do to food? Or for that matter, why are Fall and Spring named for action verbs, and not Summer and Winter? Shouldn’t those be called something like Wiggle and Shiver?

the daily humorscope

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You’ve heard that when economists use the word “nice”, they’re actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is “like, totally kewl.”
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will suddenly and quite unexpectedly become fascinated by fishing. You’ll spend all your spare time looking through lures, and will videotape all the fishing shows. Don’t lose hope, though — while there is no known cure for your condition, there’s a team working on it at MIT.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will aquire a slight sniffle, today. (A sniffle is a cross between a dachshund and a cairn terrier, bred especially to spot helicopters.)
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting “Hark!” however.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will meet Klive Dinky, the proprietor of Klive Dinky’s Tropical Dream Vacation, and Spa Salon. He will turn out to be much shorter than you ever imagined.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Do not snitch a jelly donut today, when nobody is looking. The chocolate frosted one is much better.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
A tomato features in today’s cuisine. Sadly, that’s going to be your pinnacle of excitement for today.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today one or more close relations will pout. You will stoically endure this, and will steadfastly refuse to relinquish control of the remote control.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Confucius said “Choose a job you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life.” Confucius was a Harvard man, you know, with a huge trust fund. He certainly never “worked” a day, himself. I wouldn’t take what he said too literally, in your case.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the “Bulghur Baron”. You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone’s amazement, you’ll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ll find a penny when you are out for a walk. Surprisingly, it will be the key to a wonderful change in your life. The trick is just to figure out what you can do with a penny, these days.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, july 12th

the daily humorscope

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You’ll accidentally eat one of those fried szechuan chili peppers today, and it will bring tears to your eyes. This will strike you as odd, given that you will be eating a ham sandwich at the time.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You’ll become best pals with a large invisible rabbit, today. Well, actually he’s a “puka”, which is a type of Celtic spirit, but he’ll look like a large invisible rabbit.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will spend the day attempting to rest, but whenever you fall asleep you’ll return to the same nightmare of being transformed into a chihuahua, and will wake, screaming (in a very high-pitched, whiny, and annoying sort of way).
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will develop the extremely rare “Perkin’s Disease”, and will start having a strange compulsion to shoot things with tranquilizer darts, or sell insurance. Plus, you will try to trick your friend, “Jim”, into wrestling a giant anaconda.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will see an ancient symbol appearing in the whorls of your fingerprints. That, combined with the dreams of apocalypse may make you worry. I wouldn’t though — it’s just a vitamin B12 deficiency.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Everyone you work with will start spending a lot of time balancing things on their nose. This could be bad. You may have a renegade seal trainer lurking in your midst!
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Good day to put a few kumquats, some of those teensy little ears of corn, and a few Brussels sprouts in a tiny little bowl, and leave it on someone’s doorstep with a tiny little note reading “Dear Big People…”.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You feel like you’re slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighbourhood Astral Travel Agency.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags…
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You’ve about had it with one particular fool in your life. Have you considered investing in a tranquilizer gun? Mine comes in very handy, especially at work.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will find that it is true – everything is better with the addition of either chocolate or garlic (but not both). Well, except for running shoes, that is.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
What is freedom? Is there a difference between an infinitely long leash, and no leash at all? You’ll discover the answer to that at work this week, when you get “the yank”.

the daily humorscopes for monday, july 11th

the daily humorscope

Monday, July 11, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Excellent day to devour fruit, while making snarling sounds and glaring at persons nearby. Next, tear the heads off the carnations and stuff them partway up your nose, and make strange wuffling sounds while vigorously wiggling your eyebrows. Or don’t, if you’re going to be stuffy. It’s your life.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will find a note, folded into quarters, and torn from a steno pad. Surprisingly, it will refer to you. Even more surprisingly, it will refer to you as the object of adoration, someone whom the note’s author wishes to engage in “snuggle bunnies” with. Sadly, it will be impossible to determine who wrote it, and nothing will ever come of it.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Remember today: two wrongs don’t make a right. But three do.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to learn ventriloquism. Lesson 1: making squishy sounds when people walk by, in time with their footsteps.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
While attending a séance “just for fun”, you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
While poring over some old historical documents, you will discover that the Norman invasion was actually supposed to be the “Bob” invasion, but Norman stole the credit for it. Sadly, it will turn out to be too late to change it now.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Excellent time to race one of those little Shriners cars up and down the sidewalk twenty thousand million times. Also, you’ll meet an angel, but don’t let on that you know who she really is.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
This week you will angrily tell someone that you are more than just a name and a number! You are also punctuation!
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I’m Ok, You’re A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having “defined” the current decade.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things “taste like chicken.” It’s because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
A person wearing a bandana on his head and brandishing a cutlass will dash by you today, saying something that sounds a bit like “Arrrr”.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This week you will feel like corn. Just not like having any.