Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You’ve heard that when economists use the word “nice”, they’re actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is “like, totally kewl.”

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Today you will suddenly and quite unexpectedly become fascinated by fishing. You’ll spend all your spare time looking through lures, and will videotape all the fishing shows. Don’t lose hope, though — while there is no known cure for your condition, there’s a team working on it at MIT.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will aquire a slight sniffle, today. (A sniffle is a cross between a dachshund and a cairn terrier, bred especially to spot helicopters.)

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting “Hark!” however.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Today you will meet Klive Dinky, the proprietor of Klive Dinky’s Tropical Dream Vacation, and Spa Salon. He will turn out to be much shorter than you ever imagined.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Do not snitch a jelly donut today, when nobody is looking. The chocolate frosted one is much better.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

A tomato features in today’s cuisine. Sadly, that’s going to be your pinnacle of excitement for today.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Today one or more close relations will pout. You will stoically endure this, and will steadfastly refuse to relinquish control of the remote control.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Confucius said “Choose a job you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life.” Confucius was a Harvard man, you know, with a huge trust fund. He certainly never “worked” a day, himself. I wouldn’t take what he said too literally, in your case.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the “Bulghur Baron”. You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone’s amazement, you’ll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You’ll find a penny when you are out for a walk. Surprisingly, it will be the key to a wonderful change in your life. The trick is just to figure out what you can do with a penny, these days.