the daily humorscopes for thursday, july 14th

the daily humorscope

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to buy a stereo microscope, and examine that stuff under your toenail. Well, as good a day as any.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Someone will ask you if you’d like some “fresh ground pepper” on your salad. Personally (this may be just a “Ron” thing), I always say “yes” to people carrying a baseball bat, outside a playing field.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Someone will try to give you an egg salad sandwich today. Refuse them. Be polite, yet firm.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Excellent day to make odd hand gestures at people you don’t know.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You haven’t been sleeping well, but that will soon change. You will develop the knack of falling instantly asleep whenever you want to — either at night, or during boring meetings.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
A coworker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That’s about what you should expect, though, from a cow “orker.”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Drip, drip, drip. Dunno. Something like that will be in your life, soon. I’ll bet it’s something good!
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Your neighbors will have a wild party, which you’ll catch glimpses of through the open window. You’ll know you shouldn’t watch, but it’s just hard to imagine how people can do that, especially on a trampoline.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be “strictly bass”. One must have standards, after all.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I’m not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be “The Screaming Weasels”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Soon you will get into accounting, “just for the thrill of it”.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will become fascinated by the unlikely use of the same word to mean very different things. For example, what is the link between “seasons” as changes in the weather and “seasons” as in what you do to food? Or for that matter, why are Fall and Spring named for action verbs, and not Summer and Winter? Shouldn’t those be called something like Wiggle and Shiver?