the daily humorscopes for monday, july 18

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Today is the second-to-last day, of the 19th segment of your life. Time to learn to appreciate tofu (bean curd).

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You will get through the day without too much trouble today. It would go even more smoothly, however, if you had bought that laser cannon when you had the chance.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You may be drinking a little bit too much coffee lately. That could explain why everyone else is moving so slowly, or why they say “What was THAT!?” in a verrrrry slow, deep voice, every time you walk by.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Good time to be logical and willing to admit error. This will amaze and confuse everyone, and some of them will be so flustered that they’ll try it themselves. Just don’t keep it up for too long – you might get “stuck” like that, and go through the rest of your life like some kind of freak!

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Your window of opportunity is rapidly closing! Don’t worry too much, though – the screen door of possibility is still ajar.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

To your vast embarrassment, you will be unable to describe the differences between halibut, sole, and flounder. It’s easy to remember, though — they are (in order) “big”, “small”, and “clumsy”.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You will be buffeted by hordes of people, who will all simultaneously show up in your office “just to chat”. Eventually, you will make your escape by locking yourself in the bathroom.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You will discover, today, that you can whistle and hum at the same time. This will entertain you for hours.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Beware of bubonic plague today. Other than that, things will be fairly normal.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You will have a visit from “The Scourge of Valderia”. He’s thin, small, balding, wears little round glasses, and dresses in a rumpled blue suit. Still you don’t want to cross him.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You are about to leave a footprint in the sands of Time. The editors of Time would prefer it if you’d ask permission first.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You’ll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.