February 2012 definitely has some tricks up its sleeve. Therefore, be prepared for anything – especially as Mercury turns the tables on the red planet Mars via a dicey, 135-degree aspect (12:53AM PST). Seemingly smooth discussions can suddenly become spicy debates or raging arguments. Don’t let that happen on your watch. The lunar orb meandering through the end of earthy Taurus may also open some old, tearful wounds if you are not careful. Void Moon observers should note that a short 9-minute cycle occurs from 11:07AM PST to 11:16AM PST. Thereafter, the Moon lunges into eager, curious and flexible Gemini for the next 2+ days. Reading, writing, arts, crafts, and hobbies take center stage. Weather permitting, toss a Frisbee around, fly a kite or ride your bike through the neighborhood. Giving you a run for the money is a Venus-Mars polarity (3:42PM PST) – stretching from Pisces to Virgo. While some romantic sparks can certainly fly, this sky pattern can equally represent a dynamic, illuminating interchange between lovers, friends and almost any type of partners. Tap into emotional empowerment later on as the Sun forms an inspirational, 72-degree rapport with Juno (11:08PM PST). See the beauty and elegance of the universe all around you rather than complain about trivial pursuits.
Tag: Taurus
Cosmic Calendar for Monday, January 30
For the most part – after several days of exhausting celestial shenanigans – you can now breathe a sigh of relief during the last two days of January. The first piece of good news comes in the form of the monthly Moon-Jupiter union in Taurus (3:30AM PST). Although this occurs officially early in the day, its influence can last for many hours. The power of positive thinking, good luck and auspicious vibrations are your bridge to worldly achievements. Some challenging situations may pop up to test your faith and resolve since the Moon squares Mercury (8:16AM PST), Mercury then makes a frictional, 45-degree tie to Venus (8:48AM PST) while the tension-creating First Quarter Sun-Moon Phase (energizing 11 degrees of Aquarius and Taurus) clocks in at 8:11PM PST. Moving too far too fast – particularly with an air of superiority (a la Jupiter on steroids) – will foil your higher plans. It is always wise to be humble instead of succumbing to the sin (hubris or pride) of mythological Icarus – whose wings melted because he flew to close to the Sun. Helping you stay more creative and artistic – in a deep and powerful manner – is an enlightening, 72-degree link from Venus to Pluto (6:50PM PST). Try to tweak the Taurus Moon tendency to be stubborn into the more admirable trait to be a Rock of Gibraltar when friends and loved ones need someone to lean on.
Cosmic Calendar for Jan. 21st
turday, January 21, 2012
Are worries and nervous tension giving you a psychic headache that won’t seem to dissipate? You may be tuning into Monday’s upcoming Mars turnaround – where the red planet shifts from moving forward in Virgo to doing backflips for approximately 80 days. Helping you cope with the increasing martial energy-field are a Moon-Venus supportive, 60-degree tie (6:01AM PST) and a similar hook-up between the Sun and Uranus (5:22PM PST). However, these two favorable sky patterns are separated by nearly half the day and they may not be able to neutralize discordant vibes coming from the monthly Moon-Pluto union in Capricorn (4:33AM PST), Pallas making an abrasive, 45-degree tie to Pluto (7:32PM PST), an off-kilter, 150-degree link from Mars to Pallas (8:29PM PST), the Moon parallel to Pluto (10:04PM PST) and a feisty, unsettling Sun-Jupiter square from Aquarius to Taurus (10:36PM PST). The cosmos is clearly ruffling many of its feathers, and the shadowy, dark-of-the-moon monthly cycle is also gaining power as the next New Moon happens late tomorrow night. Do your best to make some breakthroughs in higher consciousness and tap into Uranian-endowed flashes of genius along the way. The Moon in Capricorn continues to stimulate your overall urge to reach loftier career milestones.
the daily humorscope
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick.
Although you will attempt to thwart your obsession (tying things up with twine) by avoiding twine for the entire day today, it will continue to plague your thoughts. In other words, you will not knot for naught.
You will wake with a start tonight, and hear a sound like that of a whole herd of capybara snuffling around in your closet. Fortunately, when you switch on the light, that will turn out to be all it is.
Today one or more close relations will pout. You will stoicly endure this, and will steadfastly refuse to relinquish control of the remote control.
You will feel an odd compulsion to stack books, symmetrically, in the public library. Try to resist it.
Someone will soon approach you with an idea. Stay well clear of it.
Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified…will be nice to you. This is a good time to be afraid.
Good day to appreciate the beauty and wonder of life, and to see how far you can spit. Other people may find that incongruous, but you’ll see the inner truth, and it will set you free.
Paper airplane day, today. Have as much fun as you can stand — tomorrow will be ugly.
Try to avoid nibbling on things today. Despite recent developments, you don’t actually know your friend that well yet.
So, you’ve decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I’d mention that.
Excellent time to start a new company, making software to help people with mental problems. You will call it SchizoSoft. Your motto: “Who Do You Want To Be Today?”
the daily humorscope
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you’ll develop a rare mental disorder, causing you to mix metaphors. But don’t you worry — you can’t make an omlette without a silver lining, and in this case, you’ll discover that everyone will confuse mixed metaphors with management potential. BIG promotion in store.
Good day to remember your kinship with all living things. Except perhaps mildew. There’s no point in remembering your kinship with mildew, at least not today.
Excellent day to walk around wearing a white lab coat and carrying a clipboard.
Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again.
Remember: loose lips sink ships. The really strange thing is, nobody’s ever been able to explain to me why ships have lips in the first place, especially if they’re that risky.
You’re fussing with your hair too much. Perhaps you should temporarily cut back on shampoo. Or at least demand real poo.
And old friend will call today, who you haven’t talked to in years. He’ll remind you that you owe him money.
To your chagrin and horror, you will find yourself humming along with “muzac” in the grocery store. It’s the beginning of the long slow slide, I’m afraid. Next stop: collecting “nick knacks”.
Today you will find a really big piece of lint in your pocket. That’s it, though, for today’s excitement.
You will make people squirm, today. Surprisingly, some of them will show remarkable talent at squirming.
Twelve freshly cut rods (made from ash) will be found in a peculiar pattern on the lawn. Two large black crows will watch you solemnly from the top of a parked VW Microbus. The weather will turn colder, and the air, although clear, will seem grey. Don’t worry, though, it’s probably nothing.
You will attain your dream of having your own cooking show, but it will become tiresome when you have to battle your way past people dressed as chickens to get into the studio each day.
the daily humorscopes for thursday, august 11th
the daily humorscope
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You’ll find more, and very “interesting”, uses for cocktail umbrellas today.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Do not leave home without a ball of twine, today. You won’t actually need it, but it’ll make you feel better to be prepared.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
As a joke, you will send off a resume for your dog to a company which wants to hire an extrusion manager. Surprisingly, he will not only get the job, but will earn more than you.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good time to consider capitalizing on the wave of 70’s nostalgia that is sweeping the land. Why not try making shag carpeting? At least you should sit around in your beanbag chairs and discuss it.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven’t got any. Or whatever – remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Bad news: people think you’re becoming paranoid. Isn’t that just typical, though? I mean, they don’t even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they?
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today will be a great day for bargains. For example, you’ll find a really amazing price on a flame-thrower, at the Army surplus store. A flame-thrower is one of those rare things that really creates a lasting first impression — so you should definitely get it.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be “strictly bass”. One must have standards, after all.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will soon send off for plans to build your own hovercraft. Your scheme to disguise it as a giant floating eyeball is a bit silly, though. Personally, I’d make it look like you were wearing a giant hoop-skirt, in which case the engine sound and levitation might easily be passed off as a rather unfortunate case of intestinal gas.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will notice an odd stone “egg” in an antique shop. Don’t bring it home. They’re very hungry right after they hatch.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
What fun! You’ll be called in to a special meeting at work soon, where someone will have a “pink slip”. Sounds like party attire to me!
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Soon you will get into accounting, “just for the thrill of it”.
the daily humorscopes for wednesday, august 10th
the daily humorscope
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to buy lava lamps at garage sales. Once in a life-time opportunity. Also, if you happen to spot a white 100% polyester leisure suit with bell-bottom pants and a really large lapel, buy it on the spot. I know *I* would love to have one.
Excellent day for a bubble bath. If you don’t have a little yellow rubber duckie, you’ll need to get that first, of course.
Today you shall laugh your bitter laugh. You’ll also sneeze your bitter sneeze.
You are about to have an idea of almost mind-boggling brilliance. Try to remain calm.
Today you will discover that you are capable of “channelling”, when you start spouting ancient sumerian curses at a short little dweeb who cuts you off in traffic. You will start taking notes in cuneiform.
Something will start to bother you, and you will eventually have to ask someone to explain it. The thing is, some birds have very acute hearing – so WHERE ARE THEIR EARS??
You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You’ll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.
Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive — a better offer will soon arrive from a an old high school friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery.
You will hear screams coming from a Hungarian restaurant, while you are walking by. Don’t worry, though. That’s normal.
Your neighbor thinks his dog is so smart, it’s starting to bug you. The thing to do is cover a book with a book cover that says “Quantum Physics for Dogs”, and train your dog to lay next to it, along a pad of paper covered with scribbled equations and a chewed-on pencil…
Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far…)
Your path divides soon. On the one hand lies potato salad, followed by severe pain, thrashing about, seizures, and a horrible death. On the other hand lies Cole slaw. It’s a pity that you don’t like Cole slaw.
the daily humorscope
Tuesday, August 09, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will invent a new type of automated squid sorter, for use by professional squid fishermen. You will call it the Squid Pro Quo. That will be a mistake.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Remember to put a disclaimer at the bottom of your report, to say that it doesn’t necessarily reflect the views of your management, or, for that matter, of any other carbon-based life form.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss’ IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of “Titanic II.”
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Watch out for vines, today. Sometime’s it’s hard to tell the difference between a vine and a creeper, until it’s too late.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend.)
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
It will turn out that someone you spend a great deal of time with is actually one of the last remaining Sinanthropus (Peking man), rather than an actual Cro-Magnon. This will explain things you’d been wondering about.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
As a joke, you will hold up a certain air freshener in a bank, today, and announce “this is a Stick Up!”. Later, you’ll have time to reflect upon the regrettable fact that law enforcement officials are sadly lacking in a sense of humor.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of “Villiage Idiot”, in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don’t even consider a career change, though — it’s a lot harder that it sounds.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
This week will find you explaining gender roles to the clueless. For example, men MUST continue to channel surf on the TV, no matter how interesting the show is that they stumble onto. Women must watch what shows up on the channel they’re watching, no matter how boring it is. It’s just how these things are done. Women commit and regret it. Men don’t commit and regret it. It’s in our genes. Some kind of adenine/guanine/trampoline chemical thingie.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
This might be a good time to decide what you want to be when you actually do grow up. I’m guessing that you’d be best off as either a yodeling oceanographer, or possibly a bovine pathologist.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Pinch your pennies, this week. Next week: fondling your nickels.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
After an exciting trip to Jackson Hole, Wyoming, you’ll come up with a secret plan that will occupy you for many years to come. Yes – your very own Hole.
the daily humorscopes for sunday, august 7th
the daily humorscope
Sunday, August 07, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today the universe will stop expanding, and start contracting. You will be the only one who notices. Also, you will develop a strange desire to wear golf shoes.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
A man with a mystical yet somehow tortured expression will stop you on the street, today, and ask you for a name brand of prepared mustard. If you carry a jar with you, and surprise him, you will make his life seem worthwhile.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will come up with a theory about people – that you can learn a lot about them, simply by removing the first letter of their name. For example, Ron -> On. That’s why I’m on-line. That also explains why Hugh acts so primitive, sometimes. And if I were you, I’d avoid Alice.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will read a small booklet titled How To Make A Fortune in Frog Farming, which will change your life.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
So, you’ve decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I’d mention that.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble’s “How To Get Noticed.”)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will answer the phone today by shouting “You bloated sack of protoplasm!”. Unfortunately, it’s not your friend calling. It’s your mother.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbour’s back yard. It’s probably nothing — he probably just digs at night if he can’t get to sleep. I know I do.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today is not a good day to be yourself. In fact, that might even be dangerous. Be someone else, until further notice.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good week to greet everyone with great enthusiasm. For example, “Bob! You’re still alive!” (Everyone likes to feel appreciated.)
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will invent an automated diaper changing device that looks a bit like a large mechanical squid. Parents will love them, but you’ll need to do plenty of advertising before passers-by stop “rescuing” babies and beating the crap out of the machines. (Literally.)
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This is a good time to start becoming a connosieur. You have to take that one thing at a time, though – e.g. nobody is going to become a wine connosier overnight. Start with something that’s fun to say. Pumpernickel, for example.
the daily humorscope
Thursday, August 04, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
An older friend will avoid you today. Have you considered using any of the vast number of breath-freshening products that are available, these days?
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to excavate. You will find the ruins of an ancient civilization, and become famous.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you’ll have one of those baffling moments when you’re sure you spelled a word correctly, but your spelling checker will still complain. Ask someone nearby how they spell it. They’ll spell it the same way you do, much to your rolaids.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Remember that silly song The Monster Mash? Beginning today, you will start sounding a lot like the lead singer in that song.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
A friend will ask your advice on a technical matter. If you answer, you’ll be blamed. Pretend you don’t know anything about it.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
It would be best, if you abandoned the Fez. You aren’t that type of person, and it’s no use pretending.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You’ve just finished something, but you’re starting to wonder if it would be better if you tried it another way. Forget it — that way, madness lies.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as “launch codes”, “who’s been naughty”, or “Snerge.” This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Things haven’t been going well for you lately, and you’re sinking into a fairly ugly bit of self-pity. You merely need to count your blessings! (1) You’ve got a tremendous talent, which some day may be in demand, (2) You’re almost normal — LOTS of people have extra appendages, (3)…
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won’t be laughing at you, you’ll be laughing with you.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Your morning grumpiness and sluggishness will vanish soon, when you discover that the problem was just using the wrong type of deodorant soap. Soon you’ll be stepping out of the shower, grinning like an imbecile!
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Soon, your cup will runneth over. Then you’ll have to moppeth it up.
The Witchcraft Chronicles 
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