the daily humorscopes for sunday, august 7th

 

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Today the universe will stop expanding, and start contracting. You will be the only one who notices. Also, you will develop a strange desire to wear golf shoes.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

A man with a mystical yet somehow tortured expression will stop you on the street, today, and ask you for a name brand of prepared mustard. If you carry a jar with you, and surprise him, you will make his life seem worthwhile.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You will come up with a theory about people – that you can learn a lot about them, simply by removing the first letter of their name. For example, Ron -> On. That’s why I’m on-line. That also explains why Hugh acts so primitive, sometimes. And if I were you, I’d avoid Alice.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Today you will read a small booklet titled How To Make A Fortune in Frog Farming, which will change your life.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

So, you’ve decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I’d mention that.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble’s “How To Get Noticed.”)

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You will answer the phone today by shouting “You bloated sack of protoplasm!”. Unfortunately, it’s not your friend calling. It’s your mother.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbour’s back yard. It’s probably nothing — he probably just digs at night if he can’t get to sleep. I know I do.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Today is not a good day to be yourself. In fact, that might even be dangerous. Be someone else, until further notice.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Good week to greet everyone with great enthusiasm. For example, “Bob! You’re still alive!” (Everyone likes to feel appreciated.)

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You will invent an automated diaper changing device that looks a bit like a large mechanical squid. Parents will love them, but you’ll need to do plenty of advertising before passers-by stop “rescuing” babies and beating the crap out of the machines. (Literally.)

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

This is a good time to start becoming a connosieur. You have to take that one thing at a time, though – e.g. nobody is going to become a wine connosier overnight. Start with something that’s fun to say. Pumpernickel, for example.