Tag: Scorpio

the daily humorscopes for thursday, july 28

the daily humorscope

 

Thursday, July 28, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will have left-over lasagna for lunch. This is odd, because you don’t remember the lasagna being made in the first place. Just one of those little mysteries that haunts you in life.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you’ll try the old “goat in a box” trick, on your new boss. It’ll backfire, though, and you’ll be the one with the clown shoes.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will find yourself boldly charging through life. That can actually get you in trouble, though, so you should really attempt to pay with cash.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Try to praise in public and criticize in private. Just never, ever, criticize privates.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You should look into some of that new “dream interpretation” software. That recurring dream about being naked in a hot tub with the Pope and Bill Gates is probably a really common one.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will realize that you’ve always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Strange things continue to happen. Today you will put on a long-sleeved shirt, only to discover that the sleeves now extend past your fingertips. You didn’t say anything inappropriate to an elderly British gentleman with strange green eyes, recently? Let’s hope not.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Would you just Stop? Nobody else feels the need to dance around like that…
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
A huge spacecraft will hover over your dwelling structure today, and secretly analyse you down to the last parasitic microbe in your epidermal layers. They will be on the point of making contact with humans, and offering us technology to cure all illness, let us live indefinitely while looking like healthy 20-year-olds, and give us the ability to travel interstellar distances in an eye blink…when they spot you making something with SPAM. After a bit of horrified bleeping at each other, they will zoom off, never to return.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will find that it is true – every thing is better with the addition of either chocolate or garlic. Well, except for running shoes, of course.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You, for one, have just about had it with all this “Globalization”. Time to go on a diet!

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, july 27th

the daily humorscope

 

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will have the eerie sensation that either you are going crazy or you are being watched by something indescribably evil. Luckily for you, you’re in fine shape, mentally.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
In this world you have a choice between being clever, and being pleasant. I recommend pleasant.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
It’s time for you to consider being kinder to your feet. And stop taking them for granted! For example, when’s the last time you sat down and had a nice friendly chat with them? Do it today!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will be sucked into a multi-level marketing organisation today, and will lose all your friends, along with your self-respect. Later, though, you’ll realize that your new friends are much better than those old friends, and that you feel like you’re part of a big “family”. Or at least, that’s what you’ll say.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Big career move today! Oddly, your decision will be somehow related to a pamphlet called “Goat Herding Made Easy”.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
A coworker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That’s about what you should expect, though, from a cow “orker”.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Someone will try to give you an egg salad sandwich today. Refuse them. Be polite, yet firm.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you will see a free floating full torso vaporous apparition! It’ll turn out that your glasses are smudged.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You’ll have a nice time.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today you will discover that you are capable of “channelling”, when you start spouting ancient sumerian curses at a short little dweeb who cuts you off in traffic. You will start taking notes in cuneiform.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Nobody knows the trouble you’ve seen. Except for Bob, that is. You know – the quiet neighbor, with the binoculars?
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Good time to invest in flowers and a card. Sometimes no occasion is the best occasion. Just like sometimes no disfiguring disease is the best disfiguring disease, I guess.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, july 26

the daily humorscope

 

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you’ve got “lots of work to do.” (And don’t let them spot you fondly caressing it.)
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Several extremely hungry creatures will look at you strangely, today. Throw them a raisin cookie.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will write a newspaper article about the Internet today. Why not? Everybody else has.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Soon you will get into accounting, “just for the thrill of it.”
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Excellent day to visit a bookstore. Try to find a book named “Make Money With Your Own Worm Farm”. You don’t need to read it, but it’ll be fun to leave around where people will notice it.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Your slogan for the week should be “Carpe Diem”, or “Seize the Day!”. Once you seize it, give it a good shake, just to prove you mean business.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
People will stare at you today. Unknown to you, you are starting to look more and more like a large frog. A career in basketball may be in your future.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you will lose your marbles. Fortunately, someone will find them and return them to you.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Continue hiding.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will discover a secret about the Spice Girls – most of them can’t tell Cumin from Coriander. In fact, some of them are vague about whether Black and Red Pepper come from different types of plants. You will quite sensibly decide to avoid going to their place for dinner.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Office politics will be pretty intense for a while, and you’ll have to be careful. Whenever you go to the water cooler, be sure to carry a flag of truce. Remember though: in the long term, a policy of appeasement almost never works.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Your parents think your motorcycle is too dangerous, but that’s OK. Let’s just hope they don’t find out that you’ve been jumping it over the shark tank.

the daily humorscope for Monday, July 25, 2011

the daily humorscope 

Monday, July 25, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Two people near you will engage in sudden, violent, rubber-band warfare. You will be caught in a crossfire, and severely thwapped. Next time, consider wearing protective headgear indoors.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will read a bit of Shakespeare, and just before you fall asleep, you will think: “A duck, by any other name, would smell as foul.” Never mix Shakespeare and chocolate icecream. The results can be a trifle unpredictable.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today will be a celebration of life, love, and art. Also, the start of a nagging fear that you’ll find out something terribly unpleasant while doing your taxes.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Due to minor lymph-node infection, several dangerous toxins will shortly be released into your bloodstream. Not to worry. You’ll survive, and the only permanent brain damage will involve an enthusiasm for polka music.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will be conducting naval maneuvers in the bathtub today, when you will have an unfortunate accident involving your toy submarine. The visit to the emergency room will be most embarrasing.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will walk into a door frame today, and people will smirk. Remember though, they’re smirking with you, not at you.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitable candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Good day to take up knitting, on horseback. Everyone needs an adventure.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to do crossword puzzles in the park. Life is short enough, without letting it get you all stressed out like that.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you’re sore.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Your perfume or cologne has too much patchoulli. Only an idiot wears patchoulli. Or a witch. Hmm. Er, never mind. Wear whatever you like. I’m sure it’s quite nice.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Good day to ponder the parable of the itsy bitsy spider, and the futility of climbing up water spouts during spring weather. You’ll be able to apply this lesson to one of your current relationships.

the daily humorscopes for sunday, july 24

the daily humorscope 

Sunday, July 24, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will discover a large deposit of gold, when you’re out on a stroll. Unfortunately, wealth will not make you happy.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Excellent day, today. Unless today is your 15th birthday, of course, in which case you’re destined to have a particularly embarassing episode involving a cat and an argyle sock.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
This will be a very happy week for you. And you know what they’ve been saying about that for thousands of years, don’t you? “Happy Good! Me Like Happy!”
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will invent a new type of lingerie, and will make millions. The stripes are the key to your success. You will call it “Ze Bra.”
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will be “on the move”, soon. Especially movements of a gastrointestinal nature, as it turns out. Good day to stay close to home.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
This might be a good time to consider night school. That’s night, not knight. Unless you enjoy clanking around in armor, of course. Some people do.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today will be the best day of your life, if you can just remember … er … now what was that? Hmmm. If you can just remember something really important. Otherwise, no. Hmmm.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
A very pale young woman wielding a broadsword will approach you today to ask if you’d like your carnations pruned. Be nice and say yes. Reincarnation is tough on some people.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will dream about arrows without points, tonight, and it will have a deeply spiritual significance for you. You won’t know what to make of the episode with the lime Jell-O, though.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Your manager will be a twit, today. That’s ok, though — it’s what he’s paid for.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You are about to invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will name the “Nighty Knight”. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
If you keep going the way you are, you’ll soon be fit as a fiddle! (And as you know, a fiddle is very buff, for a stringed instrument.)

the daily humorscopes for thursday, july 21

the daily humorscope

 

Thursday, July 21, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will rescue several hostages from a life-or-death situation, using only a banana milkshake and a length of twine. Film at 11.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Beware of Doug.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Rhubarb pie is the only antidote for your ailment. Trust me on this one. Also, someone’s been teasing your cat.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
The world will be dim and grey, and cold. Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names. Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light. Either that, or you’ll get gum stuck to your shoe. (Sometimes these things are hard to read.)
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
In a strange turn of events, it will turn out that people wearing glasses not only look smarter, they ARE smarter (and have better memories). You’ll forget all about that when you take off your reading glasses, of course.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will discover Pablo Picasso’s secret. He didn’t deliberately invent cubist art. He just liked painting accident victims.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Bring extra. You’ll need it.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Excellent day to sneak.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say “bad bush!” in a loud stern tone.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You look rediculous in that. Go and change.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Avoid friends who’ve had sudden personality changes, today. And always watch the skies.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
People are starting to take you a bit too seriously. Try wearing your bunny slippers to work.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, july 19th

the daily humorscope

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will narrowly avoid a collision on the sidewalk today, as a small giggling person runs past you, being hotly pursued by a weeping incoherent person waving a ham sandwich. Aside from that, a pretty typical day.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Some strange “hooting” creature will hide in your bushes today. You should be able to drive it off by whacking the bushes soundly with a kitchen broom.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You are sad about an upcoming event, but can do nothing about it. Try knitting — people say it’s wonderfully relaxing.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
An elderly gentleman next to you on the bus will spontaneously combust, today, and you’ll become an instant celebrity when you put him out with a large diet coke. Eventually, they’ll make a prime-time TV drama about the incident.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Excellent day to come up with new theories to explain the universe around you. Remember: the simplest explanation is usually the best. For example, most physicists today subscribe to the “Big Band” theory of the creation of the universe. I have an alternate theory that I prefer, which I call “Tuba Ensemble”.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will soon learn to fear and loath the word “diaper”. Don’t know why.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
When you were young, your heart was an open book. You used to say “live and let live”. But if this ever-changing world, which we live in, makes you give it a miss, say “live and let die”. Or something.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day for a nice nap.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today is an excellent day to wink slyly at people, just as they are turning away. When they look back, smile innocently.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to bring donuts to a meeting. Later, ask people how their diets are going.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You’ll find what you need under “Music, Instruction” and under “Cavorting, Instruction”. Don’t get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though — they’re really only needed by professionals.

the daily humorscopes for monday, july 18

the daily humorscope

Monday, July 18, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today is the second-to-last day, of the 19th segment of your life. Time to learn to appreciate tofu (bean curd).
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will get through the day without too much trouble today. It would go even more smoothly, however, if you had bought that laser cannon when you had the chance.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You may be drinking a little bit too much coffee lately. That could explain why everyone else is moving so slowly, or why they say “What was THAT!?” in a verrrrry slow, deep voice, every time you walk by.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good time to be logical and willing to admit error. This will amaze and confuse everyone, and some of them will be so flustered that they’ll try it themselves. Just don’t keep it up for too long – you might get “stuck” like that, and go through the rest of your life like some kind of freak!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Your window of opportunity is rapidly closing! Don’t worry too much, though – the screen door of possibility is still ajar.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
To your vast embarrassment, you will be unable to describe the differences between halibut, sole, and flounder. It’s easy to remember, though — they are (in order) “big”, “small”, and “clumsy”.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will be buffeted by hordes of people, who will all simultaneously show up in your office “just to chat”. Eventually, you will make your escape by locking yourself in the bathroom.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will discover, today, that you can whistle and hum at the same time. This will entertain you for hours.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Beware of bubonic plague today. Other than that, things will be fairly normal.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will have a visit from “The Scourge of Valderia”. He’s thin, small, balding, wears little round glasses, and dresses in a rumpled blue suit. Still you don’t want to cross him.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You are about to leave a footprint in the sands of Time. The editors of Time would prefer it if you’d ask permission first.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You’ll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, july 14th

the daily humorscope

Thursday, July 14, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to buy a stereo microscope, and examine that stuff under your toenail. Well, as good a day as any.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Someone will ask you if you’d like some “fresh ground pepper” on your salad. Personally (this may be just a “Ron” thing), I always say “yes” to people carrying a baseball bat, outside a playing field.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Someone will try to give you an egg salad sandwich today. Refuse them. Be polite, yet firm.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Excellent day to make odd hand gestures at people you don’t know.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You haven’t been sleeping well, but that will soon change. You will develop the knack of falling instantly asleep whenever you want to — either at night, or during boring meetings.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
A coworker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That’s about what you should expect, though, from a cow “orker.”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Drip, drip, drip. Dunno. Something like that will be in your life, soon. I’ll bet it’s something good!
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Your neighbors will have a wild party, which you’ll catch glimpses of through the open window. You’ll know you shouldn’t watch, but it’s just hard to imagine how people can do that, especially on a trampoline.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be “strictly bass”. One must have standards, after all.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I’m not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be “The Screaming Weasels”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Soon you will get into accounting, “just for the thrill of it”.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will become fascinated by the unlikely use of the same word to mean very different things. For example, what is the link between “seasons” as changes in the weather and “seasons” as in what you do to food? Or for that matter, why are Fall and Spring named for action verbs, and not Summer and Winter? Shouldn’t those be called something like Wiggle and Shiver?

the daily humorscope

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You’ve heard that when economists use the word “nice”, they’re actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is “like, totally kewl.”
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will suddenly and quite unexpectedly become fascinated by fishing. You’ll spend all your spare time looking through lures, and will videotape all the fishing shows. Don’t lose hope, though — while there is no known cure for your condition, there’s a team working on it at MIT.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will aquire a slight sniffle, today. (A sniffle is a cross between a dachshund and a cairn terrier, bred especially to spot helicopters.)
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting “Hark!” however.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will meet Klive Dinky, the proprietor of Klive Dinky’s Tropical Dream Vacation, and Spa Salon. He will turn out to be much shorter than you ever imagined.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Do not snitch a jelly donut today, when nobody is looking. The chocolate frosted one is much better.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
A tomato features in today’s cuisine. Sadly, that’s going to be your pinnacle of excitement for today.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today one or more close relations will pout. You will stoically endure this, and will steadfastly refuse to relinquish control of the remote control.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Confucius said “Choose a job you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life.” Confucius was a Harvard man, you know, with a huge trust fund. He certainly never “worked” a day, himself. I wouldn’t take what he said too literally, in your case.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the “Bulghur Baron”. You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone’s amazement, you’ll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ll find a penny when you are out for a walk. Surprisingly, it will be the key to a wonderful change in your life. The trick is just to figure out what you can do with a penny, these days.