the daily humorscopes for wednesday, july 27th

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Today you will have the eerie sensation that either you are going crazy or you are being watched by something indescribably evil. Luckily for you, you’re in fine shape, mentally.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

In this world you have a choice between being clever, and being pleasant. I recommend pleasant.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

It’s time for you to consider being kinder to your feet. And stop taking them for granted! For example, when’s the last time you sat down and had a nice friendly chat with them? Do it today!

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will be sucked into a multi-level marketing organisation today, and will lose all your friends, along with your self-respect. Later, though, you’ll realize that your new friends are much better than those old friends, and that you feel like you’re part of a big “family”. Or at least, that’s what you’ll say.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Big career move today! Oddly, your decision will be somehow related to a pamphlet called “Goat Herding Made Easy”.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

A coworker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That’s about what you should expect, though, from a cow “orker”.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Someone will try to give you an egg salad sandwich today. Refuse them. Be polite, yet firm.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Today you will see a free floating full torso vaporous apparition! It’ll turn out that your glasses are smudged.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You’ll have a nice time.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Today you will discover that you are capable of “channelling”, when you start spouting ancient sumerian curses at a short little dweeb who cuts you off in traffic. You will start taking notes in cuneiform.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Nobody knows the trouble you’ve seen. Except for Bob, that is. You know – the quiet neighbor, with the binoculars?

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Good time to invest in flowers and a card. Sometimes no occasion is the best occasion. Just like sometimes no disfiguring disease is the best disfiguring disease, I guess.