the daily humorscope for Monday, July 25, 2011

 

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Two people near you will engage in sudden, violent, rubber-band warfare. You will be caught in a crossfire, and severely thwapped. Next time, consider wearing protective headgear indoors.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Today you will read a bit of Shakespeare, and just before you fall asleep, you will think: “A duck, by any other name, would smell as foul.” Never mix Shakespeare and chocolate icecream. The results can be a trifle unpredictable.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Today will be a celebration of life, love, and art. Also, the start of a nagging fear that you’ll find out something terribly unpleasant while doing your taxes.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Due to minor lymph-node infection, several dangerous toxins will shortly be released into your bloodstream. Not to worry. You’ll survive, and the only permanent brain damage will involve an enthusiasm for polka music.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You will be conducting naval maneuvers in the bathtub today, when you will have an unfortunate accident involving your toy submarine. The visit to the emergency room will be most embarrasing.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You will walk into a door frame today, and people will smirk. Remember though, they’re smirking with you, not at you.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitable candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Good day to take up knitting, on horseback. Everyone needs an adventure.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Good day to do crossword puzzles in the park. Life is short enough, without letting it get you all stressed out like that.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you’re sore.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Your perfume or cologne has too much patchoulli. Only an idiot wears patchoulli. Or a witch. Hmm. Er, never mind. Wear whatever you like. I’m sure it’s quite nice.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Good day to ponder the parable of the itsy bitsy spider, and the futility of climbing up water spouts during spring weather. You’ll be able to apply this lesson to one of your current relationships.