Tag: Capricorn

the daily humorscopes for saturday, july 9th

the daily humorscope

Saturday, July 09, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will be attacked and beaten by a group of Nuns. When a baffled pair of mounted urban police drag them off you, they will refuse to say why they were attacking you, and will sulk.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There’s something alive in there.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Beware of clams, today.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Stop slouching, and sit up straight! How do you expect to get ahead in the world if you pay no attention to proper posture?
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
While cracking your knuckles today, you will be a bit startled to hear a “ping” sound rather than a “pop.” That’s a bad habit, anyway.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
When you were young, your heart was an open book. You used to say “live and let live.” But if this ever-changing world, which we live in, makes you give it a miss, say “live and let die.” Or something.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Excellent time to take up weasel ranching. Or at least to claim that’s what you do, at parties.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will find yourself using a very old spreadsheet program, soon. So old, in fact, that the columns have to be either Doric, Ionic, or Corinthian.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
A package will arrive for you today, from a distant relative in Tibet. Scarlet-robed assassins will begin following you.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Stay out of the Cheez Doodles today.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Don’t you owe someone a thank-you note? If not, send one anyway — that’s always fun.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven’t got any. Or whatever – remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM.

the daily humorscopes for friday, july 8th

the daily humorscope

 

Friday, July 08, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will lose all self-control. You’ll find it again tomorrow, though — it just rolled under the couch.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You are being followed by a man with an eye patch and a prosthetic limb. He, in turn, is being followed by a large reptile, which is making a ticking sound.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A very short and hairy person will bother you today. Unfortunately, you will be unable to ignore them, try though you might.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today is a good day to crash through the underbrush, making loud snorting sounds. Beware of poachers, however.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I’m Ok, You’re A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having “defined” the current decade.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will be attacked by a man wielding a ham sandwich. Fortunately, you will remember your self-defense lessons, and should be able to drive him off using a bunch of celery.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
More fun with twine, today. Isn’t it great!?
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Despite your best efforts, you will be unable to get your book published. But all you really need to do is change the title! “A Comparative Study of Invertibrate Parasites” is not likely to be published. But “A Bucket Full Of Leeches”? Now that’s another story.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
In an unfortunate turn of events, someone sitting across from you will have a peculiar variant of a bad hair day…a bad nose hair day.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you’ll become incensed at the thought that you missed out on all the fun during the 60’s and 70’s, and will change your name to “Sunflower” in protest.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will develop a passion for Cajun cuisine, and will refuse to eat anything that hasn’t been “blackened”. Your family will draw the line at blackened corn flakes, however.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, july 7th

the daily humorscope 

Thursday, July 07, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Privacy will be an issue today. This may possibly be because a group of foreign tourists will follow you everywhere, smiling and nodding the entire time.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will discover that by simply wearing a large amulet made of bones and feathers, and by carrying a blowgun, you can usually get a seat on public transportation, no matter how crowded it gets.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good day to count your blessings. Both of them.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing. Better come up with some new excuses, quick! You can do that while you’re coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Not a good time to go forth and conquer. Try going fifth, and hover in the background.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Your ship will come in today! Unfortunately, you won’t have anywhere to put it.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a “horsepower” is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can borrow money from them without them even fully realising it.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Good day to start learning the violin. Interestingly, your neighbours will volunteer to pay for lessons. It’s selfless gestures like that which really help friendships blossom.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You’ve been trying to sell your car, and it just isn’t going anywhere. Sometimes it helps if you have a name for your vehicle, to give it more character. I call mine the “Millennium Falcon”. My passengers often become irritated at being called “Chewie”, though.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will vow to always tell the truth, but it will backfire on you. Most people find that kind of behaviour highly suspicious, and more than a little deviant.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be “fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley”. Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Remember to put a disclaimer at the bottom of your report, to say that it doesn’t necessarily reflect the views of your management, or, for that matter, of any other carbon-based life form.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, july 6th

the daily humorscope 

Wednesday, July 06, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today is the second-to-last day, of the 19th segment of your life. Time to learn to appreciate tofu (bean curd).
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
If you’ve been wanting to become a religious leader, today is the day to get cracking on it. Otherwise, probably an uneventful day.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You’ll find more, and very “interesting”, uses for cocktail umbrellas today.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will have trouble with the telephone, in which, no matter what number you call, you reach “Mo’s Leather Emporium.” Don’t take it lightly.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You are about to start a band, with friends, which will be called “Rainy Daze.” You will choose that name primarily because one of your group simply doesn’t care for “Clenched Buttocks” as a band name.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You’ll find what you need under “Music, Instruction” and under “Cavorting, Instruction.” Don’t get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though — they’re really only needed by professionals.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Good time to be happy-go-lucky! You’ll find that works out a lot better than the sad-go-accident-prone you’ve been trying.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will go to a wedding soon, at which you will be uncomfortable. You’ll have fun throwing rice, though. In fact, chances are good that you’ll take up rice throwing as a hobby. “It’s not just for weddings any more,” you’ll say.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will read an oevre in a new genre. Actually, it will be an X-Men(tm) comic book, but you’ve never been one of those stuffy people who are unwilling to try new things.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Don’t do that. Your face could get stuck that way. Oh, I’m sorry. I hadn’t realized it already did…
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between “catches horrible disfiguring disease” and “loses everything in major earthquake”. I guess you can pick whichever one you want, in this case.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You’ll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.

The Planets Now for July 5th

 

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Position of the planets based on Greenwich Mean Time (GMT).
Sun:
13° 24′
in Cancer
 Moon:
10° 04′
in Virgo
 Mercury:
05° 42′
in Leo
 Venus:
01° 57′
in Cancer
 Mars:
10° 23′
in Gemini
Jupiter:
05° 36′
in Taurus
 Saturn:
10° 50′
in Libra
 Uranus:
04° 37′
in Aries
 Neptune:
00° 51′
in Pisces
 Pluto:
05° 43′
in Capricorn
Aspects:
Opposition: Saturn Uranus 6º
Opposition: Sun Pluto 7º
Opposition: Venus Pluto 3º
Quincunx: Mercury Pluto 0º
Semi-Sextile: Jupiter Uranus 0º
Semi-Sextile: Moon Saturn 0º
Sextile: Jupiter Neptune 4º
Sextile: Mercury Mars 4º
Sextile: Neptune Pluto 4º
Sextile: Sun Moon 3º
Sextile: Venus Jupiter 3º		 Square: Mercury Jupiter 0º
Square: Moon Mars 0º
Square: Saturn Pluto 5º
Square: Sun Saturn 2º
Square: Uranus Pluto 1º
Square: Venus Uranus 2º
Trine: Jupiter Pluto 0º
Trine: Mars Saturn 0º
Trine: Mercury Uranus 1º
Trine: Moon Jupiter 4º
Trine: Moon Pluto 4º
Trine: Venus Neptune 1º
The Sun in Cancer
While the Sun is in Cancer family and home are the primary influences. Affection between family members is likely to increase. Familial bonds are likely to strengthen. Now is an ideal time to make improvements that make home life more comfortable and safe for all. Feelings of concern and compassion for the plight of others beyond the family should be quite strong at this time. Many may use this time to retreat and revitalize physical and spiritual energies.

Sun Sextile or Trine Moon
Keeping a healthy balance between autonomy and the need for personal relationships is very important at this time. The degree of one’s success may be significantly increased by maintaining healthy relationships with family members and friends.

Sun Opposition or Square Saturn
One’s picture of one’s self may be a bit muddled at this time. Self-doubt will dampen the spirit of many.

Sun Opposition or Square Pluto
For seekers of power this should be a favorable aspect. The desire to distinguish themselves from the field will be strong in some. The need to control situations may lead some to become fanatical about their pursuits.
Moon In Virgo
Affection is likely to be expressed by proactive action. Overt displays of love may be difficult for many to muster. Much of the affection one is shown may looked upon as suspect. Avoid endlessly critiquing yourself and those around you.

Moon Opposition or Square Mars
Mental and physical energies tend to run high during this aspect. Those who do not find healthy ways of using their additional energies are likely to become irascible and difficult to be around.

Moon Sextile or Trine Jupiter
Now is an excellent time to mend past grievances. Sincerity and warmth will serve one well.

Moon Sextile or Trine Pluto
Passions are likely to run high during this aspect. Exploring the world’s mysteries may be a very attractive pursuit at this time.
Mercury In Leo
Logical thinking and consistent behavior are favored. While there may be a pronounced laid-back attitude towards life, an underlying need to succeed and solid planning will power progress. Now is a good time to further one’s education.

Mercury Sextile or Trine Mars
Persuasion through verbalizing sound ideas is a key to success during this aspect. Be wary of becoming dogmatic and verbally domineering.

Mercury Opposition or Square Jupiter
Ideas and schemes are likely to abound during this aspect. The trick will be to determine which ideas and schemes are actually viable. Focusing on the future is favored during this aspect.

Mercury Sextile or Trine Uranus
The need for personal freedom is likely to be very high. Those who can wade through moments of chaos and confusion without panicking should do well at this time.
Venus In Cancer
The need to physically and spiritually express one’s love for their partner may be a very strong motivator. Indeed, the need to please may be so strong that it becomes so free floating that almost anyone could be the recipient.

Venus Sextile or Trine Jupiter
This aspect can lead one to be a bit indolent. If you need a break from your life’s current pace that’s great. However, if things in your life are at a critical stage, resisting the urge to take it easy is definitely suggested.

Venus Opposition or Square Uranus
The need for a tremendous amount of personal freedom is a key influence of this aspect. Relationships formed during this period are likely to be superficial and short lived.

Venus Sextile or Trine Neptune
During this aspect many will find giving far more rewarding than receiving. The arts are likely to be very attractive as either a pursuit or experience or both.

Venus Opposition or Square Pluto
This aspect can bring one’s passions to a boil. The need for both physical and spiritual love may seem almost insatiable in some. In some cases passions may erupt into jealousy, as some will feel the need to be in control of every facet of their relationship to feel secure.
Mars In Gemini
Short term projects are favored. The tendency to take on more than one project at a time could be strong, and should be managed to avoid taking on more than can be done. Mental labor is favored over physical labor.

Mars Sextile or Trine Saturn
Long term goals are favored by this aspect. The willingness to sacrifice and the determination to succeed will further ensure success will be realized.
Jupiter In Aries
Material gain and lifestyle security will be strong influences during this period. Many may take life much more seriously than they usually do. Tackling challenges from a practical approach is likely to yield positive results.

Jupiter Sextile or Trine Neptune
Maintaining an open mind to all possibilities is favored during this aspect.

Jupiter Sextile or Trine Pluto
Visions of what is possible on a grand scale are likely during this aspect. Those who set their goals according to their current vision are likely to do well.
Saturn In Libra
Intimacy may be more of a chore than a pleasure. Some will find their progress towards strengthening intimate bonds and attaining goals muted by feelings of inadequacy.

Saturn Opposition or Square Uranus
Those who aren’t afraid of a little hard work are favored by this aspect. Remaining focused and taking things seriously are likely to produce substantial rewards. The ability to quickly change to stay atop rapidly evolving circumstances is a very valuable asset at this time.

Saturn Opposition or Square Pluto
This aspect may make it difficult to commit one’s self to anything beyond the moment at hand. However, those who do take on new goals will put the full force of their nature into achieving them.
Uranus In Aries
The astrological influence of Uranus is measured in increments of 7 years. What this means is that the effects of Uranus influence an entire generation. Day to day the Uranian influence may be imperceptible, but when the period is viewed as a whole the impact of Uranus is likely to be strikingly apparent.

Iconoclasm, independence and self-sufficiency are likely to be major themes during this period. Traditional values will be challenged. Those with a pioneering spirit will flourish.

Uranus Square Pluto
A mental restlessness and the need for complete personal freedom are possible influences of this aspect. In some the need for total autonomy may be so strong that they will challenge any attempt to subdue their independence.
Neptune In Pisces
Because Neptune takes approximately 14 years to move across Pisces its day to day influence may be imperceptible, but when the period is viewed as a whole the impact of Neptune in Pisces is likely to be strikingly apparent.

Gentleness, creativity, and the pursuit of spiritual truth are strong influences at this time. Many may find mysticism and unorthodox religions very attractive.

Neptune Trine Pluto
The exploration of spiritual issues is favored during this aspect. Introspection should lead many to better understand the underlying motives behind their behavior.
Pluto In Capricorn
Because Pluto takes approximately 15 years to move across Capricorn its day to day influence may be imperceptible, but when the period is viewed as a whole the impact of Pluto in Capricorn is likely to be strikingly apparent.

Strong economic gains can be made during this period. Pluto in Capricorn favors those who are able to make logical decisions and devise pragmatic solutions to the challenges before them.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, july 5th

the daily humorscope

 

Tuesday, July 05, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will decide to have a bit of illicit fun, and will slip bits of dry pasta into other people’s pockets, shoes, etc., when they’re not looking. My advice: don’t get caught.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You would be ill-advised to try to shoot kidney beans out your nose, today. (Yes, I know you were thinking of it.)
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good day to wear tropical fruit on your head.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
It is a joyous time to vaccuum. Yes, you’ll have more fun than you can stand, pushing that new vac around. So what, if other people don’t understand? Unfortunately, an evil asian gentleman named “Fu” will kidnap your beloved vaccuum cleaner, a few years from now, and you will be faced with an ethical dilemma. Enjoy life while you still can, is my advice.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Oh boy! Today you will find some cool shoes that you’d forgotten all about, in the back of your closet. Oddly, they no longer fit, and are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Noodle day #2! “The Revenge Of The Noodle”. Today you will learn to make a really killer recipe for Szechwan noodles, which will contain both chili-garlic paste and whole peanuts.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today you will find a really big piece of lint in your pocket. That’s it, though, for today’s excitement.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will meet a tough challenge in a very resourceful way, today, using only a Swiss Army Knife, a transistor radio, and oven cleaner.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
A new love affair will have you all misty-eyed. Either that, or it’s the onset of glaucoma, in which case you should seek immediate medical attention.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will go into business making those little sugar packets that restaurants use, and make a fortune. The restaurants will have to use fewer of yours than anyone elses. Is it due to the pictures on the packets, of really fat people? Who knows.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you’ll realise that it isn’t that likely someone would say “It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat.”
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Family problems again. It’ll be just like that Rolling Stones song, about how you “Can’t Always Get What You Wa-ant”, except that in your case, you can replace one of the words with “Ever”. Try being positive and future-focused. Also, pretend you don’t speak English

Overview of July Horoscope 2011

July Horoscope 2011

by Jeff Jawer
 

Let Go and Grow 

July starts with the New Moon in cautious Cancer, which normally spurs sensitivity, sentimentality and an interest in holding onto the past. Memories occupy minds and hearts when attending to current domestic issues, which are likely to be more important. Stressful aspects from unpredictable Uranus, strict Saturn and pungent Pluto make it hard to feel secure. A desire to back away from present challenges, though, is at best a temporary escape rather than a solution to real issues.

This yearning for yesteryear lessens a bit on July 2 when communicative Mercury enters bold and outspoken Leo. This transit, lasting until the 28th, is excellent for humorous expression and creative ideas. Sure, we can go a little over the top with self-indulgent concepts and egocentric ways of talking. Yet if we avoid taking ourselves or others too seriously, we can enjoy the entertaining show of minds exploring new territory and feel inspired for the future.

Cancer the Crab’s connection to safe and familiar people and places gets more support when loving Venus enters this sign on July 4. The planet of romance seeks safety instead of adventure in Cancer, making it hard to experiment in matters of style and of the heart. Nostalgia paints beautiful pictures of the past that cover up much of its imperfections. Idealizing an old partnership is only helpful if you can take a lesson from it and apply it to your present life. Venus in Cancer is a time for adults to recognize that needs may be real but they can also grow and change over time, which is what really keeps love alive.

A powerful trine between expansive Jupiter and potent Pluto on July 7 can deepen conviction and beliefs. However, their strength and the ability to build a life based on them require careful examination. Truth, like love, is alive with growth and change. Don’t be afraid to doubt what you know as this transit will reward those who examine their truths and limit individuals who refuse to question them.

The Full Moon in crusty Capricorn on July 15 is a faceoff between duty (Capricorn) and instinct (Cancer). Finding balance between discipline and emotion is the lesson of this security testing lunation. On the 23rd the Sun strides into noble Leo, opening hearts and expanding pride. Leo’s drama may increase with Venus’ entry into the sign on the July 28. This transit kicks romance into higher gear for those willing to invest themselves fully into it, but it can disappoint those seeking heartfelt connections who are unable to take the risks required to achieve them. A dash of rationality returns with mental Mercury’s move into analytic Virgo, adding needed logic to these dramatic times.

the daily humorscopes for friday, july 1

the daily humorscope

Friday, July 01, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will discover that you can raise one eyebrow by itself, but not the other. This will aggravate you, and you’ll spend the majority of the day in front of the bathroom mirror, trying to correct the situation.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Someone you’ve never met will come up and nudge you today. You don’t have to stand for that, though, and you should just nudge them right back.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Fungus day today. Interestingly, you will discover that in order to engage in mycological research, you need go no further than your toes…
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
The phrase “return your tray tables to the upright and locked position” will cycle endlessly through your mind, today. It’s not serious. (But you should probably consider cutting down on the honey-roasted peanuts.)
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You’ve been a little down lately, and it’s time to snap out of it! You’ve got to smell the roses while there’s time, since you’re not going to live forever. Which is good, since you’re already seeing hair in funny places…
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Someone you don’t like will make repeated attempts to talk to you today. The best way to handle this is to stuff extremely crunchy food in your mouth during each attempt, and then mumble “What?” while looking at something slightly over their left shoulder.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Nobody will notice your new haircut, which you will find intensely irritating. It’s not as if you always had an iridescent green mohawk, you know?
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Despite protests from a variety of organizations, you will organize a charity event called a “squid fling”. Due in part to excellent media coverage, you will be quite successful. Mostly, though, you will succeed because nearly everyone has a secret desire to fling a squid.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You still have way too much to do. You always have too much to do. If you were any more behind, you would be able to kick yourself. Ever try saying “no”? Sheesh.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud “smooching” sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying “these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don’t they?” I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ve always felt, like Emerson, that the unexaminged life is not worth living. There’s no need to use a microscope, however.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, june 30

the daily humorscope 

Thursday, June 30, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Beware of poltergeists, today.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
While idly doodling on a notepad, today, you will accidentally draw a symbol sacred to an ancient voodoo deity, and will open a gap into part of the astral plane that is even less appealing than Akron, Ohio.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Excellent day to blow soap bubbles in unusual places. See if you can get them to drift by people who are thinking too hard.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich. You never tire of the wild life, do you?
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment, you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say “Hay!”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Ian McHarg once said, “Man is a blind, witless, anthropocentric clod who inflicts lesions upon the earth.” You will come up with a brilliant rebuttal to this, soon. You will say: “So?”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
This may be a little late, but heck, late is better than never. You know when they said to shop naked? They meant shopping on-line…
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Don’t worry — that fortune cookie was wrong.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to power-walk. It not only looks silly, it is silly.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend.)
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to go around “nudging” people.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss’ IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of “Titanic II”.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, june 29

 

the daily humorscope

 

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Your incisors will seem to be getting longer today, and you will find sunlight hurts your eyes. Probably just a cold, and nothing to worry about.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Be nice to your coworkers today. Cow orkers have a darned tough job, so it’s good to make them feel special once in a while.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Happy Frog Day!! Let’s hear it for our little amphibious friends!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will become trapped in the sofa, again. People will point and laugh.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to learn to play the tuba.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Things aren’t going as well as they should for you. The main thing to do is to find someone else to blame, and move on.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today you will discover that there is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. A silly nose wiggle ranks pretty highly, though.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
This is a good time to remember Einstein’s advice, to make things as simple as possible, but no simpler. That applies both to theoretical physics, and in your case, to dinner.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
In the grocery store, you will see quite a few people with infants in their shopping carts. Try though you might, however, you will not be able to find the bin with the children. Perhaps they’re sold out? Important Safety Tip: do not stop one of the women with an infant and ask her to show you where her baby came from.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
A friend will ask your advice on a technical matter. If you answer, you’ll be blamed. Pretend you don’t know anything about it.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to go on a voyage of self-discovery. Try to be back in time for dinner, though.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It’s really hard to fail, if you have no purpose.