the daily humorscope
Thursday, July 07, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Privacy will be an issue today. This may possibly be because a group of foreign tourists will follow you everywhere, smiling and nodding the entire time.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will discover that by simply wearing a large amulet made of bones and feathers, and by carrying a blowgun, you can usually get a seat on public transportation, no matter how crowded it gets.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good day to count your blessings. Both of them.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing. Better come up with some new excuses, quick! You can do that while you’re coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Not a good time to go forth and conquer. Try going fifth, and hover in the background.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Your ship will come in today! Unfortunately, you won’t have anywhere to put it.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a “horsepower” is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can borrow money from them without them even fully realising it.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Good day to start learning the violin. Interestingly, your neighbours will volunteer to pay for lessons. It’s selfless gestures like that which really help friendships blossom.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You’ve been trying to sell your car, and it just isn’t going anywhere. Sometimes it helps if you have a name for your vehicle, to give it more character. I call mine the “Millennium Falcon”. My passengers often become irritated at being called “Chewie”, though.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will vow to always tell the truth, but it will backfire on you. Most people find that kind of behaviour highly suspicious, and more than a little deviant.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be “fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley”. Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Remember to put a disclaimer at the bottom of your report, to say that it doesn’t necessarily reflect the views of your management, or, for that matter, of any other carbon-based life form.