the daily humorscopes for saturday, july 9th

the daily humorscope

Saturday, July 09, 2011


Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will be attacked and beaten by a group of Nuns. When a baffled pair of mounted urban police drag them off you, they will refuse to say why they were attacking you, and will sulk.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There’s something alive in there.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Beware of clams, today.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Stop slouching, and sit up straight! How do you expect to get ahead in the world if you pay no attention to proper posture?
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
While cracking your knuckles today, you will be a bit startled to hear a “ping” sound rather than a “pop.” That’s a bad habit, anyway.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
When you were young, your heart was an open book. You used to say “live and let live.” But if this ever-changing world, which we live in, makes you give it a miss, say “live and let die.” Or something.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Excellent time to take up weasel ranching. Or at least to claim that’s what you do, at parties.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will find yourself using a very old spreadsheet program, soon. So old, in fact, that the columns have to be either Doric, Ionic, or Corinthian.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
A package will arrive for you today, from a distant relative in Tibet. Scarlet-robed assassins will begin following you.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Stay out of the Cheez Doodles today.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Don’t you owe someone a thank-you note? If not, send one anyway — that’s always fun.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven’t got any. Or whatever – remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM.