the daily humorscopes for wednesday, february 8

the daily humorscope 

Wednesday, February 08, 2012

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Try to work the words “happenstance” and “ineffable” into your conversation today. It turns out that most people believe any sentence that has the word “ineffable” in it. Such as that one.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will meet a tough challenge in a very resourceful way, today, using only a Swiss Army Knife, a transistor radio, and oven cleaner.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Everyone who drives by today will stick their head out their car window, give you a big dopey look, and flop their tongue around in the wind. If you had known this was “act like a dog” day, you might have been better prepared.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Beware the Ides of March. Also, if you have a friend named “Brutus”, it might behoove you to be a trifle more selective…
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
What you are about to do is wrong. Of course, you will only find that out much later. For now, enjoy yourself!
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Not a good time to go forth and conquer. Try going fifth, and hover in the background.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Through a casual remark in an elevator, you will realise that both you and your fellow passenger have seen John Cleese’s informational film called How To Irritate People. By the time you reach the 10th floor, you will both be severely vexed with one another.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Try to avoid nibbling on things today. Despite recent developments, you don’t actually know your friend that well yet.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the “Bulghur Baron”. You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone’s amazement, you’ll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
It was a simple mistake, which anyone could have made. What’s more, now you know better. I think, though, that the expression is too widespread for you to actually get it changed to “never look a gift horse in either end”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You are being stalked by an invisible mutant from Planet 7. Or at least, you’ll find that this makes an excellent excuse for not doing those outside chores today.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Someone will ask “How are you?” for the millionth time. You should celebrate the occasion by having a speech prepared – something embarassingly intimate is usually best. “Glad you asked, Bob. I’m having a darned tough time getting rid of these pesky genital warts, for one thing…”

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, july 5th

the daily humorscope

 

Tuesday, July 05, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will decide to have a bit of illicit fun, and will slip bits of dry pasta into other people’s pockets, shoes, etc., when they’re not looking. My advice: don’t get caught.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You would be ill-advised to try to shoot kidney beans out your nose, today. (Yes, I know you were thinking of it.)
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good day to wear tropical fruit on your head.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
It is a joyous time to vaccuum. Yes, you’ll have more fun than you can stand, pushing that new vac around. So what, if other people don’t understand? Unfortunately, an evil asian gentleman named “Fu” will kidnap your beloved vaccuum cleaner, a few years from now, and you will be faced with an ethical dilemma. Enjoy life while you still can, is my advice.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Oh boy! Today you will find some cool shoes that you’d forgotten all about, in the back of your closet. Oddly, they no longer fit, and are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Noodle day #2! “The Revenge Of The Noodle”. Today you will learn to make a really killer recipe for Szechwan noodles, which will contain both chili-garlic paste and whole peanuts.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today you will find a really big piece of lint in your pocket. That’s it, though, for today’s excitement.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will meet a tough challenge in a very resourceful way, today, using only a Swiss Army Knife, a transistor radio, and oven cleaner.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
A new love affair will have you all misty-eyed. Either that, or it’s the onset of glaucoma, in which case you should seek immediate medical attention.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will go into business making those little sugar packets that restaurants use, and make a fortune. The restaurants will have to use fewer of yours than anyone elses. Is it due to the pictures on the packets, of really fat people? Who knows.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you’ll realise that it isn’t that likely someone would say “It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat.”
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Family problems again. It’ll be just like that Rolling Stones song, about how you “Can’t Always Get What You Wa-ant”, except that in your case, you can replace one of the words with “Ever”. Try being positive and future-focused. Also, pretend you don’t speak English