Tag: AQUARIUS

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, july 5th

the daily humorscope

 

Tuesday, July 05, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will decide to have a bit of illicit fun, and will slip bits of dry pasta into other people’s pockets, shoes, etc., when they’re not looking. My advice: don’t get caught.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You would be ill-advised to try to shoot kidney beans out your nose, today. (Yes, I know you were thinking of it.)
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good day to wear tropical fruit on your head.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
It is a joyous time to vaccuum. Yes, you’ll have more fun than you can stand, pushing that new vac around. So what, if other people don’t understand? Unfortunately, an evil asian gentleman named “Fu” will kidnap your beloved vaccuum cleaner, a few years from now, and you will be faced with an ethical dilemma. Enjoy life while you still can, is my advice.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Oh boy! Today you will find some cool shoes that you’d forgotten all about, in the back of your closet. Oddly, they no longer fit, and are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Noodle day #2! “The Revenge Of The Noodle”. Today you will learn to make a really killer recipe for Szechwan noodles, which will contain both chili-garlic paste and whole peanuts.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today you will find a really big piece of lint in your pocket. That’s it, though, for today’s excitement.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will meet a tough challenge in a very resourceful way, today, using only a Swiss Army Knife, a transistor radio, and oven cleaner.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
A new love affair will have you all misty-eyed. Either that, or it’s the onset of glaucoma, in which case you should seek immediate medical attention.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will go into business making those little sugar packets that restaurants use, and make a fortune. The restaurants will have to use fewer of yours than anyone elses. Is it due to the pictures on the packets, of really fat people? Who knows.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you’ll realise that it isn’t that likely someone would say “It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat.”
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Family problems again. It’ll be just like that Rolling Stones song, about how you “Can’t Always Get What You Wa-ant”, except that in your case, you can replace one of the words with “Ever”. Try being positive and future-focused. Also, pretend you don’t speak English

the daily humorscopes for friday, july 1

the daily humorscope

Friday, July 01, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will discover that you can raise one eyebrow by itself, but not the other. This will aggravate you, and you’ll spend the majority of the day in front of the bathroom mirror, trying to correct the situation.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Someone you’ve never met will come up and nudge you today. You don’t have to stand for that, though, and you should just nudge them right back.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Fungus day today. Interestingly, you will discover that in order to engage in mycological research, you need go no further than your toes…
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
The phrase “return your tray tables to the upright and locked position” will cycle endlessly through your mind, today. It’s not serious. (But you should probably consider cutting down on the honey-roasted peanuts.)
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You’ve been a little down lately, and it’s time to snap out of it! You’ve got to smell the roses while there’s time, since you’re not going to live forever. Which is good, since you’re already seeing hair in funny places…
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Someone you don’t like will make repeated attempts to talk to you today. The best way to handle this is to stuff extremely crunchy food in your mouth during each attempt, and then mumble “What?” while looking at something slightly over their left shoulder.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Nobody will notice your new haircut, which you will find intensely irritating. It’s not as if you always had an iridescent green mohawk, you know?
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Despite protests from a variety of organizations, you will organize a charity event called a “squid fling”. Due in part to excellent media coverage, you will be quite successful. Mostly, though, you will succeed because nearly everyone has a secret desire to fling a squid.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You still have way too much to do. You always have too much to do. If you were any more behind, you would be able to kick yourself. Ever try saying “no”? Sheesh.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud “smooching” sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying “these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don’t they?” I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ve always felt, like Emerson, that the unexaminged life is not worth living. There’s no need to use a microscope, however.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, june 30

the daily humorscope 

Thursday, June 30, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Beware of poltergeists, today.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
While idly doodling on a notepad, today, you will accidentally draw a symbol sacred to an ancient voodoo deity, and will open a gap into part of the astral plane that is even less appealing than Akron, Ohio.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Excellent day to blow soap bubbles in unusual places. See if you can get them to drift by people who are thinking too hard.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich. You never tire of the wild life, do you?
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment, you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say “Hay!”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Ian McHarg once said, “Man is a blind, witless, anthropocentric clod who inflicts lesions upon the earth.” You will come up with a brilliant rebuttal to this, soon. You will say: “So?”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
This may be a little late, but heck, late is better than never. You know when they said to shop naked? They meant shopping on-line…
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Don’t worry — that fortune cookie was wrong.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to power-walk. It not only looks silly, it is silly.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend.)
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to go around “nudging” people.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss’ IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of “Titanic II”.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, june 29

 

the daily humorscope

 

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Your incisors will seem to be getting longer today, and you will find sunlight hurts your eyes. Probably just a cold, and nothing to worry about.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Be nice to your coworkers today. Cow orkers have a darned tough job, so it’s good to make them feel special once in a while.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Happy Frog Day!! Let’s hear it for our little amphibious friends!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will become trapped in the sofa, again. People will point and laugh.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to learn to play the tuba.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Things aren’t going as well as they should for you. The main thing to do is to find someone else to blame, and move on.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today you will discover that there is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. A silly nose wiggle ranks pretty highly, though.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
This is a good time to remember Einstein’s advice, to make things as simple as possible, but no simpler. That applies both to theoretical physics, and in your case, to dinner.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
In the grocery store, you will see quite a few people with infants in their shopping carts. Try though you might, however, you will not be able to find the bin with the children. Perhaps they’re sold out? Important Safety Tip: do not stop one of the women with an infant and ask her to show you where her baby came from.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
A friend will ask your advice on a technical matter. If you answer, you’ll be blamed. Pretend you don’t know anything about it.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to go on a voyage of self-discovery. Try to be back in time for dinner, though.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It’s really hard to fail, if you have no purpose.

the daily humorscopes for monday, june 27

the daily humorscope

Monday, June 27, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to remember your kinship with all living things. Except perhaps mildew. There’s no point in remembering your kinship with mildew, at least not today.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you’ve been thinking of. Of course, where you’re actually going to put a life-sized toothpick sculpture of a rhinocerous is another matter.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Hide.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You are about to scare several people out of their socks! It will turn out that they have very ugly feet.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Leek soup day, today. Despite your recent tendency towards shoplifting vegetables, I highly recommend you buy a leek, not take one.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will make several somewhat inadvisable impulse purchases today. Fortunately, you will be able to return all of them, except for the Hormel “100 Years Of SPAM!” decorative wall clock.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Good day to use nautical terms in ordinary situations, and to refer to the different sides of your building as “port” and “starboard”.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Good time to consider capitalising on the wave of 70’s nostalgia that is sweeping the land. Why not try making shag carpeting? At least you should sit around in your beanbag chairs and discuss it.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Uh oh. “Bursting into song day”, again. Your friends will avoid you.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will meet someone who you haven’t seen in a long time, and will barely recognize them. At least not without the spiked collar and the whip.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup.

the daily humorscopes for saturday, june 25

the daily humorscope 

Saturday, June 25, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
An elderly gentleman next to you on the bus will spontaneously combust, today, and you’ll become an instant celebrity when you put him out with a Slurpee ™. Eventually, they’ll make a prime-time TV drama about the incident.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Beware of Poles. Particularly dark-haired women of Polish extraction. Due to an oddity of genetic significance, they will all be intensely silly for a few weeks.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will discover a large black obelisk out on the lawn today, which obviously weighs several tons. You will be amazed at the effort some people put into a practical joke.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will begin a bitter and drawn-out battle with a gopher. You don’t stand a chance.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Beware of galoots, today.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Excellent time to do some personal reengineering. I mean, face it – your mother simply wasn’t much of an engineer…
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You’re having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you. Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine? That, and accordion music, always do the trick for me.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Someone will soon approach you with an idea. Stay well clear of it.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Several people, quite independently, will tell you moose jokes today, or otherwise attempt to discuss moose with you. This is their subtle way of telling you that you’re having a “bad hair day”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will start having strange dreams of becoming an aquatic creature. Eventually, you’ll spend nearly all your time in the water, and will attempt to get strangers to throw you fish.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Today you will discover that there is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. A silly nose wiggle ranks pretty highly, though.

the daily humorscopes for june 21

 

 

the daily humorscope

 

 

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will finally find your spirit guide today, and your life will take on new meaning. Unfortunately for you, your spirit guide will turn out to have a sense of humor.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Don’t forget your towel, today. I usually find I’m less likely to forget things, if I wrap them around my head. Everyone has their own mnemonic tricks, though.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A scruffy-looking fellow who you’ve never seen before will come up and offer you a very strange-looking raisin muffin. Good idea to decline, in this instance.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Absolutely marvelous day to complain, grumble, gripe, or whine. Remember: if you’re going to do something, do it well.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You’ve always felt, like Socrates, that the unexamined life is not worth living. There’s no need to use a microscope, however.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Those spiders are growing larger around your house, and it’s becoming more of a challenge to escape. You may want to consider acquiring a flame thrower. (Hint: illicit nuclear dump nearby.)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will be tickled without mercy, today. Oddly, you will not be able to see your assailant.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
E-coli. It’s what’s for dinner!
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
It’s time to stop beating around the bush. Move on to beating around the ornamental shrubbery.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Bad news: people think you’re becoming paranoid. Isn’t that just typical, though? I mean, they don’t even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they?
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Remember – every cloud has a silver lining, and every problem is an opportunity in disguise. So next time you see a problem, just imagine it without the fake nose and glasses.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however – and make sure you don’t stray into crustyness.

Weekend Lunar Love Horoscope for June 17 – 19

Weekend Love: Lunar Love

by Jeff Jawer

The Shadows of Love

June 17 – 19

The weekend starts with the Moon in calculating Capricorn on Friday. This orderly and organized sign is generally more favorable for managing well-planned events than freelancing on the fly. While Capricorn might not be the most romantic sign in the zodiac, it does reward those who are patient, persistent and willing to work for what they want. A potential negative, though, is a tendency to seek a position of dominance. While it may be sexy to some people to be with a strong-willed individual, real intimacy is inhibited when control, rather than sharing, is a primary mode of operation.

A more egalitarian approach to others emerges on Saturday morning when the Moon moves into unconventional Aquarius. This intellectual sign makes plenty of room for divergent ideas and values. Experimentation instead of adhering to tradition is a key characteristic of innovative Aquarius. Still, the apparent openness and emotional availability it represents can be misleading. That’s because a greater need for space allows us to get friendly, but not necessarily close enough to take a relationship to a deeper level. In fact, brainy Mercury’s high-frequency square with Aquarius’ unorthodox ruling planet Uranus sparks original ideas and unique experiences, as well as impulsive remarks that aren’t necessarily endearing.

Conversations are likely to grow more complex on Sunday when communicative Mercury aligns in a challenging right angle with secretive Pluto. Words cut deeply, but silence can hurt even more. We may be in a more somber state of mind, but for courageous individuals, this is an opportunity to dive into dark areas and address profound concerns.

 

the daily horoscopes for friday, june 17

the daily humorscope

Friday, June 17, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will go on a boat ride, and a deranged bunny will swim towards you in a threatening manner. Unfortunately, this episode will be caught on videotape by a tourist, and your dreams of a political career will be forever dashed.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Terrific day to saunter. Don’t let it turn into a mosey, though.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You are about to invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will name the “Nighty Knight.” You should be ashamed of yourself.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will overhear a whispered conversation, regarding how cute it is the way someone wiggles their tushy when they walk. You will have an uncomfortable feeling that they may be referring to you. This may make you a trifle self-conscious.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered “egg” in your friend’s basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry…
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Someone will tell you that you “run funny.” Just ignore them. (And be very glad they didn’t see you throwing a baseball.)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Why did life develop in this fragile boundary between earth and sky? Because life exists at the edge of chaos. You’ll find that is particularly true, this week.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will stack furniture in the bathtub, today. That’s just the sort of thing you would do, your friends will say.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Someone will stop you today, to ask directions. Tell them to take the second star to the right, and go straight on till morning. (I personally never ask for directions, since I find it’s always much more effective to find someone who looks like they know where they’re going, and follow them. I also always tell people that my name is “Svlad”. It’s something to do.)
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will discover a sure-fire method of fooling all the people, all the time. It will have something to do with Cottage Cheese.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Your requests are being ignored. Often you can get people to pay attention by simply adding a few words to the end of your request, such as “Pick up your socks, dear, or die screaming.”
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will figure out how to avoid your enemies, much to their bafflement. Basically, if you’re walking along and the background music changes to a kind of eerie theme, and the volume begins to increase…turn around and go the other way. Simple, huh?

the daily humorscopes for friday, june 10

the daily humorscope

Friday, June 10, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will have an enormously exciting day, today, compared to your usual day. You will find the prize in the cereal box.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Excellent day to pretend to have various infirmities. Pretending to have a hunchback is my personal favorite, and is often favorably combined with a drooling problem.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will be “mooned” by a cat. Fortunately, you won’t notice.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Nothing unusual today. Unless you count that episode with the iguana…
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Excellent day for unfettered optimism. Tomorrow: fettered optimism.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You’ll forget where you’re going, though, and drive her to Distraction.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven’t got any. Or whatever – remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Money will come from an unexpected source. If you put it in a mesh bag and run it throught the washer, you’ll get most of the smell out.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you’ve gone completely wacky. Don’t be intimidated, though — at least you never get distracted and forget that you’re holding your leg up behind your head.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today you will find yourself boldly charging through life. That can actually get you in trouble, though, so you should really attempt to pay with cash.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Twelve freshly cut rods (made from ash) will be found in a peculiar pattern on the lawn. Two large black crows will watch you solemnly from the top of a parked VW Microbus. The weather will turn colder, and the air, although clear, will seem grey. Don’t worry, though, it’s probably nothing.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You should learn something from your cat — no matter what you’ve done wrong, you can always try to make it look like the dog did it.