Tag: Virgo

the daily humorscopes for sunday, august 7th

the daily humorscope

 

Sunday, August 07, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today the universe will stop expanding, and start contracting. You will be the only one who notices. Also, you will develop a strange desire to wear golf shoes.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
A man with a mystical yet somehow tortured expression will stop you on the street, today, and ask you for a name brand of prepared mustard. If you carry a jar with you, and surprise him, you will make his life seem worthwhile.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will come up with a theory about people – that you can learn a lot about them, simply by removing the first letter of their name. For example, Ron -> On. That’s why I’m on-line. That also explains why Hugh acts so primitive, sometimes. And if I were you, I’d avoid Alice.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will read a small booklet titled How To Make A Fortune in Frog Farming, which will change your life.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
So, you’ve decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I’d mention that.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble’s “How To Get Noticed.”)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will answer the phone today by shouting “You bloated sack of protoplasm!”. Unfortunately, it’s not your friend calling. It’s your mother.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbour’s back yard. It’s probably nothing — he probably just digs at night if he can’t get to sleep. I know I do.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today is not a good day to be yourself. In fact, that might even be dangerous. Be someone else, until further notice.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good week to greet everyone with great enthusiasm. For example, “Bob! You’re still alive!” (Everyone likes to feel appreciated.)
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will invent an automated diaper changing device that looks a bit like a large mechanical squid. Parents will love them, but you’ll need to do plenty of advertising before passers-by stop “rescuing” babies and beating the crap out of the machines. (Literally.)
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This is a good time to start becoming a connosieur. You have to take that one thing at a time, though – e.g. nobody is going to become a wine connosier overnight. Start with something that’s fun to say. Pumpernickel, for example.

the daily humorscope

 

Thursday, August 04, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
An older friend will avoid you today. Have you considered using any of the vast number of breath-freshening products that are available, these days?
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to excavate. You will find the ruins of an ancient civilization, and become famous.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you’ll have one of those baffling moments when you’re sure you spelled a word correctly, but your spelling checker will still complain. Ask someone nearby how they spell it. They’ll spell it the same way you do, much to your rolaids.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Remember that silly song The Monster Mash? Beginning today, you will start sounding a lot like the lead singer in that song.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
A friend will ask your advice on a technical matter. If you answer, you’ll be blamed. Pretend you don’t know anything about it.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
It would be best, if you abandoned the Fez. You aren’t that type of person, and it’s no use pretending.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You’ve just finished something, but you’re starting to wonder if it would be better if you tried it another way. Forget it — that way, madness lies.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as “launch codes”, “who’s been naughty”, or “Snerge.” This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Things haven’t been going well for you lately, and you’re sinking into a fairly ugly bit of self-pity. You merely need to count your blessings! (1) You’ve got a tremendous talent, which some day may be in demand, (2) You’re almost normal — LOTS of people have extra appendages, (3)…
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won’t be laughing at you, you’ll be laughing with you.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Your morning grumpiness and sluggishness will vanish soon, when you discover that the problem was just using the wrong type of deodorant soap. Soon you’ll be stepping out of the shower, grinning like an imbecile!
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Soon, your cup will runneth over. Then you’ll have to moppeth it up.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, august 3rd

the daily humorscope 

Wednesday, August 03, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to have some fun with fake fur and spirit gum. Now you can see what chest hair would really be like, or go for the “Madonna” look. Or you can simply opt for hairy palms — that’s always fun.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to start saving up for that electron microscope you’ve always wanted. I hear Sears will be having a big sale on them this fall.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Uh oh. Mars is out of alignment, again. Not a good day to hang out with stupid, violent, heavily-armed ex-convicts. Save that for tomorrow.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
While idly doodling on a notepad, today, you will accidentally draw a symbol sacred to an ancient voodoo deity, and will open a gap into part of the astral plane that is even less appealing than Akron, Ohio.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbor’s back yard. It’s probably nothing — he probably just digs at night if he can’t get to sleep. I know I do.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will be conducting naval maneuvers in the bathtub today, when you will have an unfortunate accident involving your toy submarine. The visit to the emergency room will be most embarrassing.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you’ll realize that it isn’t that likely someone would say “It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat.”
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will invent a new type of bath toy today. It will bring you fame and fortune, although it will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Beware! Someone is about to come give you a hug.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask youself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it’d be fun to have.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will begin making strange facial expressions, completely unconsciously, in which you push your lips out as far as possible. Also, you will begin spending hours staring at tropical fish.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Why did life develop in this fragile boundary between earth and sky? Because life exists at the edge of chaos. You’ll find that is particularly true, this week.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, august 2

the daily humorscope

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Excellent day to walk around wearing a white lab coat and carrying a clipboard.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Deny everything.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will stack furniture in the bathtub, today. That’s just the sort of thing you would do, your friends will say.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
A haunting melody will float through the air this evening, with no apparent source. It will turn out that a renegade oboe player is hiding in the shrubbery.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
In a rather bizarre and unfortunate turn of events today, your lips will go ballistic. Shortly thereafter, your Ziggy Marley accent will kick in. You will be comforted to know that those are simply the first two signs of a “spaz attack”, which is more common than most people realize, and usually non-fatal.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will deliberately annoy people by standing too close to them when waiting in line. Tomorrow: standing just slightly too far away.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You need to work harder on your friendships. Why, you sometimes don’t even like yourself that much, do you? Be nice to yourself this week – buy yourself some flowers or a nice gift. And stop suspecting yourself of having an ulterior motive!
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
If you keep going the way you are, you’ll soon be fit as a fiddle! (And as you know, a fiddle is very buff, for a stringed instrument.)
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Between now and the vernal equinox, trust anyone with freckles. After that, trust no one.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it “Life In The Details”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This is a good time to buy an electric bass guitar, and take lessons. You’ll meet some interesting people that way. (Many more than if, for example, you were to buy an electric trout guitar.)

Basic Overview of August Horoscopes 2011

August Horoscope 2011

by Jeff Jawer
 

Make the Most of Mercury Retrograde

The key astrological event of August is Mercury’s retrograde cycle from August 2-26. This backward turn of the communication planet happens three times a year, and is well known for complicating conversations, muddling messages, blurring details, and triggering technical difficulties and travel troubles. While some astrologers recommend avoiding starting new projects or signing contracts during this period, it’s often impossible to do so. Just make sure to double-check data and confirm details carefully to limit the risk of making mistakes. In fact, Mercury retrograde can be very useful for completing unfinished business or returning to an old creative interest.

The contrasting sign positions of astrology’s lovers — Venus and Mars — are a complicating factor in relationships this month. Alluring Venus in bold Leo until August 21 favors splashy displays of affection and romantic drama. Hearts can open wide in expressive displays of generosity and adoration. There is a narcissistic side to this transit, though — some egos may overinflate as individuals demand more attention and approval than usual. The fun of this playful combination is countered by passionate Mars’ move into super-sensitive and self-protective Cancer on August 3. Instead of taking initiative with confidence, this transit evokes a more careful and timid approach to partnerships. Venus in Leo needs heroes, yet warrior Mars is more into playing it safe in cuddly Cancer. Venus’ shift into pragmatic Virgo on the August 21 brings these two planets into a more cohesive relationship, as reason and security take precedence over big displays of affection.

The bold and outgoing qualities of fiery Leo are fueled by the Sun’s presence in this grandiose sign. Chests may expand with self-importance, even as macho Mars is wearing Cancer’s apron. Leo is wonderful when confident individuals express it joyously. However, insecurity during Leo days often draws unpleasant pictures of bullies and showoffs whose external displays of self-importance are not matched by the quality of their work or by generous spirits. The Sun’s entry into earthy Virgo on August 23 tones down brash behavior as the focus shifts to taking care of business rather than putting on a show.

The Leonine need to be the center of attention is highlighted with a lunar opposition from egalitarian Aquarius on August 13. This Full Moon contrasts personal authority (Leo) with collective concerns (Aquarius). Cool Aquarius can put a chill on overheated romance and hyper-inflated egos. Bossy people may be put down by clever comments, but the purpose of this lunation is not to embarrass anyone. It is meant to serve as a reminder that even the greatest among us requires a community of friends, fans and supporters. We can sometimes feel pulled apart by the lunar opposition to the Sun during a Full Moon. Yet its message is to make us aware of the spectrum of responses available to all of us so that we can stretch our behavioral vocabulary. Learning when to take the lead and be a star (Leo) and when to be a cooperative member of the chorus (Aquarius) teaches us to play a variety of roles.

Mercury’s forward turn on August 26 and the New Moon in analytical Virgo on August 28 complete the transition from Leo’s fiery explorations of self-expression to more modest and detail-oriented ways of operating. The upside of Virgo is the refinement of skills and the ability to apply them with purpose and precision. Its downside is being overly critical. Constructive criticism that provides useful solutions to address flaws is an excellent way to make the most of this productive and practical sign.

the daily humorscopes for monday, august 1

the daily humorscope

Monday, August 01, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Through a casual remark in an elevator, you will realise that both you and your fellow passenger have seen John Cleese’s informational film called How To Irritate People. By the time you reach the 10th floor, you will both be severely vexed with one another.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will have a sudden and brilliant idea for how to eliminate the U.S. federal deficit. “Let’s all just pretend there isn’t one!”, you’ll say.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say “bad bush!” in a loud stern tone.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You’ll go out to dinner with a new person, soon. Remember the advice of my old Uncle Stonebender, though: “It’s fine if someone eats like a bird, as long as they don’t have kids.”
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will discover what Shakespeare actually meant, when he wrote “Hey nonny, nonny”, in Much Ado About Nothing. It turns out that it was simply in-field chatter that somehow made it into the play, and that Shakespeare not only enjoyed softball, but was a reasonably good shortstop.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will pass a sign that says “invorp” today. Fortunately, you will remember enough Dutch to know that it means “put your fingers in your ears and wiggle them”. They are a silly people, the Dutch.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Good day to begin writing that book you’ve been planning — “Growing Radishes Indoors”. It’s an idea whose time has come.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
An old nickname will surface today, much to your dismay, “Giggles”.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
About your new idea… Sure, I’ll bet you could sell your handmade voodoo dolls by marketing them over the Internet. The competition, however, can be “fierce”. You might want to stop and consider how many flights of stairs you’re interested in falling down, before you commit yourself to that course of action…
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will be detained by the police today, on suspicion of having removed a tag from a mattress. Eventually they will let you go with just a warning.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will be followed by people who look suspiciously like shoe salesmen. Try to remain calm — they can sense fear.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Everyone will stare at you like deer in headlights this week at the office. Actually, you will later decide that driving your car around inside the office may not be your best-ever idea.

Birthstones

The link between heavenly bodies and gems is continued in the concept of birthstones. Birthstone lists vary because some are arranged according to the zodiac and some according to calendar months. The list presented here is an abbreviated list of the most authentic traditions. However, it is always  more beneficial to use a stone to which you are attracted too, rather than one you feel you should have simply because it is linked to your zodiac sun sign, which is only one aspect of your full birthchart.

Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19) – carnelian, bloodstone, jasper, diamond

Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20) – tourmaline, tiger’s eye, topaz, emerald.

Gemini ( May 21 – Jun. 20) – aquamarine, citrine, chrysocolla, tiger’s eye, pearl

Cancer (Jun. 21 – Jul. 22) – moonstone, pearl, ruby, emerald

Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug 22) – ruby, heliodor, sunstone, clear quartz

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sep. 22) – sapphire, peridot, carnelian, citrine

Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22) – lapis lazuli, opal, aventurine, peridot

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) – obsidian, Herkimer diamond, topaz, aquamarine

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – blue quartz, amethyst, malachite, turquoise

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – jet, black onyx cl,ear quartz, black tourmaline

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – amethyst, sapphire, chalcedony, garnet

Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20) – turquoise, pearl, rose quartz, aquamarine

the daily humorscopes for saturday, july 30

the daily humorscope

Saturday, July 30, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
An old flame will call today, and invite you to lunch. It’s actually a trick to try to get you involved with AmWay. Also, check page 5 of the newspaper for something you’ve been waiting for.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today old Monty Python skits will keep running, unbidden, through your mind. The only cure will be to be to drink a glass of a fine Australian wine, which has a bouquet like an aborigine’s armpit.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
In a surprising twist, the failure of another large London-based bank will be blamed on you, today. C’est la vie, non?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Beware of the Spanish Inquisition, today. They may show up unexpectedly.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Excellent day to act childish. For example, when’s the last time you ordered a drink with a straw, and blew bubbles in it? Or you could pout, if you want. (Be sure to go for good lip extension, though).
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will dream about arrows without points, tonight, and it will have a deeply spiritual significance for you. You won’t know what to make of the episode with the lime jello, though.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
A new love affair will have you all misty-eyed. Either that, or it’s the onset of glaucoma, in which case you should seek immediate medical attention.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you should enjoy “postlaunch solarizing.” Q: What does that mean? A: How should I know? It’s your life, you tell me.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to stand on the sidewalk near a tall building, and stare up at the roof. You’ll meet some interesting people that way.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Excellent day to fill some pantyhose with popcorn and do the reindeer dance.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you shall laugh your bitter laugh. You’ll also sneeze your bitter sneeze.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified…will be nice to you. This is a good time to be afraid.

the daily humorscopes for friday, july 29th

the daily humorscope 

Friday, July 29, 2011

 

the dailyAries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will have a sudden, somewhat irrational desire to drive to Camden, New Jersey, and visit the Soup Tureen Museum. Fortunately, you will restrain yourself.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Better have that spot checked out by a doctor. Sure it may look benign, but sometimes those carpet stains can spread.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
This will be a day filled with tragically many sneezes. At least it’ll be a good opportunity to learn how to sneeze “cute.”
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will wonder where idiomatic expressions come from, and whether you can start one yourself. Be careful, though. The first person to say “nothing succeeds like success” must have sounded like a real idiot.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Something is about to become overly intimate with you. Intimacy can be good. Just not with fungus.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
An apple a day will keep the doctor away. Another tip you should consider: fresh figs can be used to avoid plumbers.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today you will uncover a conspiracy, involving leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless garden equipment.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will have an odd dream in which a stadium filled with dogs looks on while a group of wiry runners chases a bunny around a track. The bunny will be Miss April, I believe.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
During a walk in the woods, you will spot Mick Jagger. He will be gathering moss. You will find that strangely disturbing.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will be overly impressed by a commercial for a golf club, which describes it as a “weapon of incredible range and power”. You will make people nervous by referring to your pencil as “a weapon of incredible pointyness and surprise”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I’m not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be “The Screaming Weasels”.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You find that after all these years, you are finally beginning to conquer your fears. You will find that oddly frightening

New Moon Report for July 28 – Mercury in Virgo

Mercury in Virgo

Thursday, July 28, 10:59 am PDT, 1:59 pm EDT

Brainy Mercury’s entry into its earthy home sign sharpens minds with practical perspectives and analytical skills. However, this transit doesn’t last very long as Mercury is turning retrograde on August 2. It will back into Leo on August 8 before returning to Virgo on September 8. A great asset of this intellectually astute transit is its capacity to break down complex issues into easily manageable pieces.