the daily humorscope
Friday, July 29, 2011
the dailyAries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will have a sudden, somewhat irrational desire to drive to Camden, New Jersey, and visit the Soup Tureen Museum. Fortunately, you will restrain yourself.
Better have that spot checked out by a doctor. Sure it may look benign, but sometimes those carpet stains can spread.
This will be a day filled with tragically many sneezes. At least it’ll be a good opportunity to learn how to sneeze “cute.”
Today you will wonder where idiomatic expressions come from, and whether you can start one yourself. Be careful, though. The first person to say “nothing succeeds like success” must have sounded like a real idiot.
Something is about to become overly intimate with you. Intimacy can be good. Just not with fungus.
An apple a day will keep the doctor away. Another tip you should consider: fresh figs can be used to avoid plumbers.
Today you will uncover a conspiracy, involving leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless garden equipment.
You will have an odd dream in which a stadium filled with dogs looks on while a group of wiry runners chases a bunny around a track. The bunny will be Miss April, I believe.
During a walk in the woods, you will spot Mick Jagger. He will be gathering moss. You will find that strangely disturbing.
You will be overly impressed by a commercial for a golf club, which describes it as a “weapon of incredible range and power”. You will make people nervous by referring to your pencil as “a weapon of incredible pointyness and surprise”.
You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I’m not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be “The Screaming Weasels”.
You find that after all these years, you are finally beginning to conquer your fears. You will find that oddly frightening
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