the daily humorscopes for friday, july 29th

the daily humorscope 

Friday, July 29, 2011

 

the dailyAries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will have a sudden, somewhat irrational desire to drive to Camden, New Jersey, and visit the Soup Tureen Museum. Fortunately, you will restrain yourself.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Better have that spot checked out by a doctor. Sure it may look benign, but sometimes those carpet stains can spread.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
This will be a day filled with tragically many sneezes. At least it’ll be a good opportunity to learn how to sneeze “cute.”
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will wonder where idiomatic expressions come from, and whether you can start one yourself. Be careful, though. The first person to say “nothing succeeds like success” must have sounded like a real idiot.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Something is about to become overly intimate with you. Intimacy can be good. Just not with fungus.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
An apple a day will keep the doctor away. Another tip you should consider: fresh figs can be used to avoid plumbers.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today you will uncover a conspiracy, involving leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless garden equipment.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will have an odd dream in which a stadium filled with dogs looks on while a group of wiry runners chases a bunny around a track. The bunny will be Miss April, I believe.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
During a walk in the woods, you will spot Mick Jagger. He will be gathering moss. You will find that strangely disturbing.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will be overly impressed by a commercial for a golf club, which describes it as a “weapon of incredible range and power”. You will make people nervous by referring to your pencil as “a weapon of incredible pointyness and surprise”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I’m not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be “The Screaming Weasels”.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You find that after all these years, you are finally beginning to conquer your fears. You will find that oddly frightening