Tag: Virgo

the daily humorscopes for friday, july 1

the daily humorscope

Friday, July 01, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will discover that you can raise one eyebrow by itself, but not the other. This will aggravate you, and you’ll spend the majority of the day in front of the bathroom mirror, trying to correct the situation.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Someone you’ve never met will come up and nudge you today. You don’t have to stand for that, though, and you should just nudge them right back.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Fungus day today. Interestingly, you will discover that in order to engage in mycological research, you need go no further than your toes…
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
The phrase “return your tray tables to the upright and locked position” will cycle endlessly through your mind, today. It’s not serious. (But you should probably consider cutting down on the honey-roasted peanuts.)
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You’ve been a little down lately, and it’s time to snap out of it! You’ve got to smell the roses while there’s time, since you’re not going to live forever. Which is good, since you’re already seeing hair in funny places…
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Someone you don’t like will make repeated attempts to talk to you today. The best way to handle this is to stuff extremely crunchy food in your mouth during each attempt, and then mumble “What?” while looking at something slightly over their left shoulder.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Nobody will notice your new haircut, which you will find intensely irritating. It’s not as if you always had an iridescent green mohawk, you know?
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Despite protests from a variety of organizations, you will organize a charity event called a “squid fling”. Due in part to excellent media coverage, you will be quite successful. Mostly, though, you will succeed because nearly everyone has a secret desire to fling a squid.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You still have way too much to do. You always have too much to do. If you were any more behind, you would be able to kick yourself. Ever try saying “no”? Sheesh.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud “smooching” sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying “these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don’t they?” I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ve always felt, like Emerson, that the unexaminged life is not worth living. There’s no need to use a microscope, however.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, june 30

the daily humorscope 

Thursday, June 30, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Beware of poltergeists, today.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
While idly doodling on a notepad, today, you will accidentally draw a symbol sacred to an ancient voodoo deity, and will open a gap into part of the astral plane that is even less appealing than Akron, Ohio.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Excellent day to blow soap bubbles in unusual places. See if you can get them to drift by people who are thinking too hard.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich. You never tire of the wild life, do you?
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment, you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say “Hay!”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Ian McHarg once said, “Man is a blind, witless, anthropocentric clod who inflicts lesions upon the earth.” You will come up with a brilliant rebuttal to this, soon. You will say: “So?”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
This may be a little late, but heck, late is better than never. You know when they said to shop naked? They meant shopping on-line…
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Don’t worry — that fortune cookie was wrong.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to power-walk. It not only looks silly, it is silly.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend.)
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to go around “nudging” people.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss’ IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of “Titanic II”.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, june 29

 

the daily humorscope

 

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Your incisors will seem to be getting longer today, and you will find sunlight hurts your eyes. Probably just a cold, and nothing to worry about.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Be nice to your coworkers today. Cow orkers have a darned tough job, so it’s good to make them feel special once in a while.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Happy Frog Day!! Let’s hear it for our little amphibious friends!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will become trapped in the sofa, again. People will point and laugh.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to learn to play the tuba.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Things aren’t going as well as they should for you. The main thing to do is to find someone else to blame, and move on.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today you will discover that there is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. A silly nose wiggle ranks pretty highly, though.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
This is a good time to remember Einstein’s advice, to make things as simple as possible, but no simpler. That applies both to theoretical physics, and in your case, to dinner.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
In the grocery store, you will see quite a few people with infants in their shopping carts. Try though you might, however, you will not be able to find the bin with the children. Perhaps they’re sold out? Important Safety Tip: do not stop one of the women with an infant and ask her to show you where her baby came from.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
A friend will ask your advice on a technical matter. If you answer, you’ll be blamed. Pretend you don’t know anything about it.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to go on a voyage of self-discovery. Try to be back in time for dinner, though.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It’s really hard to fail, if you have no purpose.

the daily humorscopes for monday, june 27

the daily humorscope

Monday, June 27, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to remember your kinship with all living things. Except perhaps mildew. There’s no point in remembering your kinship with mildew, at least not today.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you’ve been thinking of. Of course, where you’re actually going to put a life-sized toothpick sculpture of a rhinocerous is another matter.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Hide.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You are about to scare several people out of their socks! It will turn out that they have very ugly feet.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Leek soup day, today. Despite your recent tendency towards shoplifting vegetables, I highly recommend you buy a leek, not take one.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will make several somewhat inadvisable impulse purchases today. Fortunately, you will be able to return all of them, except for the Hormel “100 Years Of SPAM!” decorative wall clock.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Good day to use nautical terms in ordinary situations, and to refer to the different sides of your building as “port” and “starboard”.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Good time to consider capitalising on the wave of 70’s nostalgia that is sweeping the land. Why not try making shag carpeting? At least you should sit around in your beanbag chairs and discuss it.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Uh oh. “Bursting into song day”, again. Your friends will avoid you.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will meet someone who you haven’t seen in a long time, and will barely recognize them. At least not without the spiked collar and the whip.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup.

the daily humorscopes for sunday, june 26

the daily humorscope

 

Sunday, June 26, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19
You will be hired as a cook/housekeeper for 7 extremely short gentlemen, who all live together. Stay away from apples, for a while.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good time to get your finances in order. Luckily, in your case that simply means putting the one dollar bills in front of the fives, in your wallet.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Excellent day for light conversation. Good starting points might be “Have you ever thought much about death?” or “Where’s the strangest place you ever had sex?.”
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Slow day today. Surprisingly, it will be due to a time/space anomaly caused by a localised anti-tachyon surge, and will mainly occur in your neighbourhood. Time-flow should return to normal soon.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to discuss zoospores (motile usually naked and flagellated asexual spores, especially of an alga or lower fungus) with casual acquaintances.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbour’s place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbour is the Energizer Bunny.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You will title the collection “Yo Mama By The River”.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
This week will find you explaining gender roles to the clueless. For example, men MUST continue to channel surf on the TV, no matter how interesting the show is that they stumble onto. Women must watch what shows up on the channel they’re watching, no matter how boring it is. It’s just how these things are done. Women commit and regret it. Men don’t commit and regret it. It’s in our genes. Some kind of adenine/guanine/trampoline chemical thingy.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Dogs barking. Can’t fly without umbrella.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Having trouble sticking to that diet, aren’t you? It’s even harder when you see all those enticing commercials for fast food on TV. The trick to dealing with those is to use your imagination – mayonaisse becomes shaving cream, a burger becomes coompressed compost, and everything else is coated with synthetic motor oil. Which, these days, is pretty close to the truth.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You need to get more exercise, but can’t tear yourself away from the computer. Do what I do: glue your keyboard to the ceiling, and get yourself a mini-trampoline!

the daily humorscopes for saturday, june 25

the daily humorscope 

Saturday, June 25, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
An elderly gentleman next to you on the bus will spontaneously combust, today, and you’ll become an instant celebrity when you put him out with a Slurpee ™. Eventually, they’ll make a prime-time TV drama about the incident.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Beware of Poles. Particularly dark-haired women of Polish extraction. Due to an oddity of genetic significance, they will all be intensely silly for a few weeks.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will discover a large black obelisk out on the lawn today, which obviously weighs several tons. You will be amazed at the effort some people put into a practical joke.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will begin a bitter and drawn-out battle with a gopher. You don’t stand a chance.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Beware of galoots, today.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Excellent time to do some personal reengineering. I mean, face it – your mother simply wasn’t much of an engineer…
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You’re having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you. Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine? That, and accordion music, always do the trick for me.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Someone will soon approach you with an idea. Stay well clear of it.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Several people, quite independently, will tell you moose jokes today, or otherwise attempt to discuss moose with you. This is their subtle way of telling you that you’re having a “bad hair day”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will start having strange dreams of becoming an aquatic creature. Eventually, you’ll spend nearly all your time in the water, and will attempt to get strangers to throw you fish.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Today you will discover that there is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. A silly nose wiggle ranks pretty highly, though.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, june 23

the daily humorscope 

Thursday, June 23, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will spend most of the day attempting to tie knots in a piece of cord, using only your toes. You will be unable to say why, but this will seem like a useful skill to you, at the time.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
People will tease you about wearing your golf shoes indoors. Don’t you mind them, though — they’re undoubtedly just jealous.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A hive of naked mole rats will move in with you today. You will find that they are relatively tidy creatures, but that it’s a trifle difficult to explain their presence to your friends.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will make some new friends today. One of them will be on some sort of “sacred quest”, which will make a good ice-breaker. (“So…what’s with the coconuts?”)
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
A man with a single eyebrow is following you. You haven’t borrowed any money lately, I hope?
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It’ll be fun at first, but later you’ll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you’ll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Excellent time to start a new company, making software to help people with mental problems. You will call it SchizoSoft. Your motto: “Who Do You Want To Be Today?”
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You’re fussing with your hair too much. Perhaps you should temporarily cut back on shampoo. Or at least demand real poo.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
In a stroke of pure marketing genius, you will start a company to sell fresh-roasted peanut butter door-to-door. Your sales people may find the peanut costumes a bit uncomfortable, at first, however.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You’ve been finding that the best-laid plans of mice and men often go astray. Or is that awry? Awiggly? It’s something along those lines. Anyway, the thing to do is to fire your mice.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
It’s about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say “Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant.”
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will spend this week trying to get to the bottom of things. The good news is, you will succeed! The bad news is, the bottom of things is sometimes ugly, and often smells bad.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, june 22

the daily humorscope

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will be on your way downtown today, when you will be struck by an odd thought. Fortunately it will bounce harmlessly off you.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Your ACME Rocket Sled arrives today!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will be afire with enthusiasm today! Unfortunately, someone will put you out.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
It’s ok to spill the wine today, if you feel you really have to. Under no circumstance should you dig that girl, however.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will lurk, today. There’s nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it’s occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good day to make a call from a pay-phone in a busy place, and say (in a loud voice) “You dumped the body WHERE?.”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will be traumatized by an episode with a stapler, today. You will be unable to even look at a stapler for several weeks, without trembling.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
The mythic asteroid Chaeron, in collaboration with the uneasy spirit of Atahualpa (the last Inca king), will act to produce a gastric upset of epic proportions, today. Keep your chakras clear, and carry some Imodium.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Late in the day today you will notice that people seem to be staring at your nose. Don’t worry, though. It’s probably nothing.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will get a new job, soon, in which your most important activity will be to periodically “jiggle a little thingy”. While it will pay well, this will prove to be somewhat awkward to explain at parties. Eventually you will hit on the ploy of saying you sell insurance…
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
It is a joyous time to vaccuum. Yes, you’ll have more fun than you can stand, pushing that new vac around. So what, if other people don’t understand? Unfortunately, an evil asian gentleman named “Fu” will kidnap your beloved vaccuum cleaner, a few years from now, and you will be faced with an ethical dilemma. Enjoy life while you still can, is my advice.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will attempt to single-handedly bring the “Spaghetti Western” back from obscurity. Your first film will be “A Fistful of Noodles”, in which an aging Clint Eastwood rides into town. This time, however, he will resolve the differences between the Baxters and the Rojos by inviting them all over for a nice pasta dinner.

the daily humorscopes for june 21

 

 

the daily humorscope

 

 

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will finally find your spirit guide today, and your life will take on new meaning. Unfortunately for you, your spirit guide will turn out to have a sense of humor.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Don’t forget your towel, today. I usually find I’m less likely to forget things, if I wrap them around my head. Everyone has their own mnemonic tricks, though.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A scruffy-looking fellow who you’ve never seen before will come up and offer you a very strange-looking raisin muffin. Good idea to decline, in this instance.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Absolutely marvelous day to complain, grumble, gripe, or whine. Remember: if you’re going to do something, do it well.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You’ve always felt, like Socrates, that the unexamined life is not worth living. There’s no need to use a microscope, however.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Those spiders are growing larger around your house, and it’s becoming more of a challenge to escape. You may want to consider acquiring a flame thrower. (Hint: illicit nuclear dump nearby.)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will be tickled without mercy, today. Oddly, you will not be able to see your assailant.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
E-coli. It’s what’s for dinner!
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
It’s time to stop beating around the bush. Move on to beating around the ornamental shrubbery.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Bad news: people think you’re becoming paranoid. Isn’t that just typical, though? I mean, they don’t even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they?
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Remember – every cloud has a silver lining, and every problem is an opportunity in disguise. So next time you see a problem, just imagine it without the fake nose and glasses.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however – and make sure you don’t stray into crustyness.

the daily humorscopes for monday, june 20

the daily humorscope

Monday, June 20, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will decide to take up juggling, today, and will become exceedingly good at it. Eventually, you’ll start an offbeat new religion, and proclaim that Supreme Truth will be revealed to those who juggle.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will become a bit nervous when you spot the Feldsteins, next door, doing a Bantu war dance. Perhaps you should call in sick today, and just stay indoors watching Wheel Of Fortune?
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Dispite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother’s recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will finally come to understand what Mies Van der Rohe was talking about when he said “Less is more.” He was talking about his brother, Lester Van der Rohe, and was referring to a small weight-gain problem.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today an ecologically-minded organic foods co-op will move into your home, while you’re away. You’ll be smelling whole-wheat fig bars for months, even if you succeed in extricating them. (Which is unlikely, in today’s political climate. They need somewhere to hide. Have a heart.)
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Someone named Tyrone is about to sell you a vacuum cleaner. There’s nothing much you can do about it, I’m afraid.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will have trouble with the telephone, in which, no matter what number you call, you reach “Mo’s Leather Emporium”. Don’t take it lightly.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will go into business making those little sugar packets that restaurants use, and make a fortune. The restaurants will have to use fewer of yours than anyone else’s. Is it due to the pictures on the packets, of really fat people? Who knows.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You are being followed by fierce warriors of the Nez Perce tribe. You know – those guys with the little frameless glasses on the chains around their necks? Not surprisingly, many of the Nez Perce became fierce librarians.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will become trapped in the sofa, again. People will point and laugh.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
It was a simple mistake, which anyone could have made. What’s more, now you know better. I think, though, that the expression is too widespread for you to actually get it changed to “never look a gift horse in either end”.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing. Better come up with some new excuses, quick! You can do that while you’re coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home.