Tag: Turok

A Little Humor – Ineffective Daily Affirmations

Ineffective Daily Affirmations

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault.

I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

In some cultures, what I do would be considered normal.

Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.

My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.

I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.

I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

Joan of Arc heard voices, too.

I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.

I am at one with my duality.

Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

Rather than curse the darkness, I could light a candle… with a little luck, I could torch the place.

I will strive to live each day as if it were my 30th birthday.

Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

Does my quiet self-pity get to me? Yes? Or should I move up to incessant nagging?

I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than “I told you so.”

False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute…I’ll find someone.

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step– blaming my parents.

To understand all is to fear all.

I will be accepting and kind, and learn to love televangelists.

 

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A Little Humor – Hay

Hay

A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.”You look hot, my son,” said the cleric. “Why don’t you rest a moment,          and I’ll give you a hand.”

“No thanks,” said the young man. “My father wouldn’t like it.”

“Don’t be silly,” the minister said. “Everyone is entitled to a break.          Come and have a drink of water.”

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset.

Losing his patience, the clergyman said, “Your father must be a real          slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I’ll give him a piece of my mind!”

“Well,” replied the young farmer, “he’s under the load of hay.”

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Laugh-A-Day: You might be practicing Bubba Wicca if …

You might be practicing Bubba Wicca if …

  1. You are out in the woods and the Horned God appears to you and it takes you more than 30 seconds to put down your deer rifle.
  2. You’ve ever duct-taped an outhouse and called it a sweat lodge.
  3. You run out of candles and then get the emergency flares out of your   trunk.
  4. Your altar is made from the hood of an old Chevy pick-up.
  5. You begin your Circle by calling for quarters to be placed in the beer fund jar.
  6. You enter a skyclad circle with the words, In Perfect Love and Perfect Lust.
  7. You close a circle with the words “Hot damn, let’s party!”
  8. You get most of your spiritual wisdom about the cycles of nature from Bill Dance bass fishing shows.
  9. You watch NASCAR for its karmic revelation.
  10. Your ritual robes are made of weatherproof camouflage.
  11. Your revel fire causes the smokejumpers to fly in.
  12. The only herb you use has to be planted in the middle of nowhere.
  13. You think “The Reclaiming Collective” is a great name for a used automobile parts business.
  14. Before you can use your ritual cauldron, you have to wash out the bones from your fish stew.

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Laugh-A-Day for 10/25: How Not To Get Invited Back To A Circle

How Not To Get Invited Back To A Circle

  1. Take the ritual sword from the altar and make sounds like Darth Vader — “Luke, I am your father!” — and start making light saber noises.
  2. Start skat-singing when chanting.
  3. Take the ritual athame from the altar and start cleaning your nails with it.
  4. When taking a sip of the ritual wine, act like a wine snob and comment on it.
  5. When doing the spiral dance, make it a Conga line.
  6. Call down the Goddess with “Get your ass down here, Big Momma!”
  7. Call down the God with “Our father, who art in heaven …”
  8. When chanting the names of the Goddess, randomly include Pokemon names.
  9. When being smudged, complain vehemently about second-hand smoke.
  10. In a drumming circle, laugh insanely and start drumming the beat to Wipe Out!
  11. Ask the people in the circle “When are we all gonna git nekked?”
  12. When in a skyclad circle, randomly point and laugh.
  13. When the ritual wine goblet is passed to you, chug it and ask for more.
  14. Invoke Satan.
  15. Take out a Bible and start evangelizing.
  16. Light-up a cigar.
  17. Bring a cute furry creature and offer it as a blood sacrifice.
  18. Talk a lot about casting spells for revenge against people who have offended you.
  19. At a handfasting say “Thank God! Maybe now i’ll get some grandchildren!”
  20. When in circle, answer your cell phone.
  21. Respond to “So Mote it Be!” with “Amen!”
  22. Invite people to “Come to the dark side.”
  23. Bring you kids and ask the group to invoke the baby sitting Goddess.

     

— concept by Azriel LittleHawk, with edits and ammendments by Turok and contributors

 

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The Daily Funny – Fortune Teller Jokes

Fortune Teller Jokes

 

Griselda goes to see a fortune teller, who tells her “Two men are madly in love with me!”

Grizelda asks “Who will be the lucky one?”

The fortune teller answers “Morris will marry you, and Irving will be the lucky one.”

Fortune teller One: “Lovely weather we’re having.”

Fortune teller Two: “Yes, it reminds me of the summer of 2016.”

Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop          and sit at a Palm Reader’s table.

Said the mysterious old woman, “For fifteen dollars, I can read your love          line and tell your romantic future.”

Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, “I          can see that you have no girlfriend.”

“That’s true,” said Paul.

“Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren’t you?”

“Yes,” Paul shamefully admitted. “That’s amazing. Can you tell all of this          from my love line?”

“Love line? No, from the calluses.”

Why did the witch give up fortune telling?

There was no future in it.

“Five dollars for one question!” said the woman to the fortune teller.

“That’s very expensive, isn’t it?”

“Next!”

 

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