Tag: Taurus

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, june 14

the daily humorscope

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Your feet will continue to trouble you today, although you won’t be quite able to put your finger on what’s wrong. You haven’t been that flexible in years.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Once you’re that far behind, there’s really no way to get caught up. You might as well do something fun instead. You can tell them I told you it was ok.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will go on a potato binge today. Baked, fried, scalloped, stuffed, mashed, whipped, and hash-browned. Just stay away from the tater tots, for your own good.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will realize that it seems quite impossible to make any sense out of life, especially when you consider what life must be like in Nebraska.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to make a face like a rodent, and hold your paws up in front of your chest. When someone asks what you are doing, chitter at them and scurry away.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will get very dirty. Actually, though, it will be rather fun.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Good day for political intrigue and underhanded sneakiness. Try to wear something appropriate to the occasion.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
At the same moment you read this, someone will be thinking about you and smiling. In a moment, they’ll be laughing outright.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will finally get the television exposure you’ve been wanting, by organizing a group of protesters to block the entrance to a physics lab, holding crudely-lettered signs saying “Down With Gravity!.”
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
If you’re not already a vegetarian, you will be. Someone with the initial “E.” will make sure of that. Ed? Ernest? Dunno. Someone like that. E. Coli, is what I see. Odd name, huh? Sounds Italian.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
The currency crisis in Russia will continue to trouble you. The next time you have a dream in which you are told by your old Uncle Max to invest all your money in a canned borsht factory in Leningrad, you might stop to consider the alternatives. I hear that mutual funds can be nice, for example.

the daily humorscopes for friday, june 10

the daily humorscope

Friday, June 10, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will have an enormously exciting day, today, compared to your usual day. You will find the prize in the cereal box.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Excellent day to pretend to have various infirmities. Pretending to have a hunchback is my personal favorite, and is often favorably combined with a drooling problem.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will be “mooned” by a cat. Fortunately, you won’t notice.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Nothing unusual today. Unless you count that episode with the iguana…
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Excellent day for unfettered optimism. Tomorrow: fettered optimism.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You’ll forget where you’re going, though, and drive her to Distraction.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven’t got any. Or whatever – remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Money will come from an unexpected source. If you put it in a mesh bag and run it throught the washer, you’ll get most of the smell out.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you’ve gone completely wacky. Don’t be intimidated, though — at least you never get distracted and forget that you’re holding your leg up behind your head.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today you will find yourself boldly charging through life. That can actually get you in trouble, though, so you should really attempt to pay with cash.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Twelve freshly cut rods (made from ash) will be found in a peculiar pattern on the lawn. Two large black crows will watch you solemnly from the top of a parked VW Microbus. The weather will turn colder, and the air, although clear, will seem grey. Don’t worry, though, it’s probably nothing.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You should learn something from your cat — no matter what you’ve done wrong, you can always try to make it look like the dog did it.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, june 9

the daily humorscope 

Thursday, June 09, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A man with a large machine will enter your house, and make you totally miserable.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Ooh! Oh. I should have warned you. I’m sorry.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today, everyone around you will make you severely annoyed. The important thing is to remember that, in the long run, they’re all dead.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Someone will ask you how you are, today, for the millionth time, and you know they actually couldn’t care less. I’ve found that the best reply in this case is usually “Did you know that there’s a spider on your neck?”
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
An elderly Chinese gentleman will drop by for a visit. You’ll spend the entire visit in complete silence, except for the occasional clink of a teacup in a saucer.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will write some office email soon that positively sparkles with comic irony. You’ll be asked to knock it off.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Nothing especially remarkable will happen today. You will get a strange urge to talk like Ziggy Marley, but it will pass.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Good time to invest in stock. (The canned kind, not the dry kind.)
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon, which you might consider fairly obvious – such as “Blows to the head are a common cause of brain damage”. The best reply to this is “Huh?”
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Following up on your accidental observation of the “sock dimension” (remember that sock you saw re-materializing a while back?), you will invent a machine to let you cross over the dimensional barrier. Sadly, you’ll be one dimension off, and will pop into the lost pen & pencil dimension, where you will be severely poked.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You may lose sight of what is truly important to you, if you’re not careful. In other words, it not whether you win or lose, it’s whether you end up with your leg in a cast for 3 months.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ve been secretly considering joining a support group for people with your affliction. That is a good idea, but you’ll never do it if you don’t work up to it gradually. A good place to start might be to subscribe to a magazine on the topic, such as “Nose Bleeders Quarterly” or “The Nose Troubles Times”.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, june 7

the daily humorscope 

 

Tuesday, June 07, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Good day to learn a new trick for dealing with people who come by your home to try to sell you something. Open the door v..e..r..y slowly, and squint at them. Then resume sharpening a large kitchen knife, while they are talking at you.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will spend the day discussing whether the main problems in the world are due to ignorance or apathy. Personally, I don’t know and I don’t care.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will discover an astounding new use for celery, and it will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
By careful detective work and a hidden pressure-sensitive scale, you will discover that the young woman next door weighs the same as a duck. Be careful! And if I were you, I’d put your duck on a diet.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Oh go ahead. You know you want to. Besides, nobody is watching.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will begin an evil project, in secret. You will be successful. Although why you want to produce a cross between a St. Bernard and a chihuahua is anybody’s guess.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You’ve been complaining too much, lately. You might find more to enjoy in your life by watching a documentary about a lot of people starving to death in miserable third-world slums. I know that always cheers me right up!
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Excellent day to do something new with bean curd.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to bring home an insectivore as a pet.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
By careful detective work and a hidden pressure-sensitive scale, you will discover that the young woman next door weighs the same as a duck. Be careful! And if I were you, I’d put your duck on a diet.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Excellent time to take up weasel ranching. Or at least to claim that’s what you do, at parties.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will mosey, this week. There’s nothing that wrong with moseying, after all, and it’s occasionally just what is needed. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on “Mosey Your Way To Fitness”, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.

the daily humorscopes for monday, june 6

the daily humorscope 

 

Monday, June 06, 2011

 
     Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to burst into song. Nothing too fancy, mind you — no arias. The theme song from “The Beverly Hillbillies” will do nicely. Why not see how many people you can get to sing along?
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will attempt to capitalize on the success of SPAM by inventing SPEEF. Unfortunately, you would have been much better off trying to make SPICKEN, instead.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Beware of giant squids today. Other than that, a good day for a nice walk along the beach.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You are developing a strangely magnetic personality. Soon people you don’t even know will begin hanging around with you, hoping for some small sign of your attention. Also, iron filings will begin sticking to the tip of your nose.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
About your new idea… Sure, I’ll bet you could sell your handmade voodoo dolls by marketing them over the Internet. The competition, however, can be “fierce.” You might want to stop and consider how many flights of stairs you’re interested in falling down, before you commit yourself to that course of action…
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will discover that you are capable of “channelling”, when you start spouting ancient sumerian curses at a short little dweeb who cuts you off in traffic. You will start taking notes in cuneiform.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I’m not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be “The Screaming Weasels.”
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
An odd smell, probably like that of chocolate milk drying on a linoleum floor, will bring back a flood of childhood memories. You will remember your locker combination from seventh grade, for example. Ironically, this will happen during a boring yet important meeting, and you will disgrace yourself by calling someone “booger-face”.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Beware of Doug.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will get the peculiar urge to go outside and roll around in something yicky. Also, you’ll notice your ears are getting hairy.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as “launch codes”, “who’s been naughty”, or “Snerge”. This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Remember: you can’t tell your boss to get lost. You can, however, give him the wrong directions.

New Moon Report for June 3rd – Neptune Retrograde

Neptune Retrograde

Friday, June 3

Soft-edged Neptune’s backward turn is a subtle astrological event that’s unlikely to have any immediate obvious effects. However, during its 5-month retrograde period the spiritual influences represented by this planet are more likely to arise from within through instinctive awareness than to result from external instruction. Practicing meditation and having faith in your own wisdom can produce more useful answers than any book or teacher now.

 

Weekend Lunar Love Horoscope for May 20 – 22

Weekend Love: Lunar Love

by Jeff Jawer

Get It All Out in the Open

May 20 – 22

Friday is unusually stressful because the Moon is in orderly Capricorn, which often adds a note of seriousness, while other planetary patterns are burning with intensity. Verbal Mercury hooks up in a conjunction with assertive Mars, heating up conversations and encouraging reckless behavior. Bold words can trigger new connections, inspire interest or provoke irritable responses. Fortunately, potent Pluto’s harmonious 120-degree trines to Mercury and Mars add depth, meaning and sensitivity that enable us to discuss difficult matters with delicacy and make powerful points with tact.

Loving Venus’ trine with Pluto on Saturday is also favorable to connecting at very deep places, enabling mature assessment of desires and relationships. However, there is a countering cooling trend that tends to put ideas ahead of emotions. The Sun enters breezy Gemini in the morning, which is great for chatting and flirting, but runs contrary to the hunger for more meaningful encounters symbolized by Venus trine Pluto. The Moon enters airy Aquarius at night, giving us another push toward intellectualism and objectivity and away from emotional attachments.

The experimental Aquarius Moon makes tricky 90-degree squares with Venus, Mars and Mercury in traditional Taurus on Sunday. These transits could signify a clash of values between those willing to take risks by following unfamiliar paths and those who want to play it safe by sticking with the status quo. On the positive side, however, this can provoke a re-evaluation of needs and expectations that clarifies issues. Differences might not be resolved but at least they’re finally out in the open, clearing the air so that common ground can eventually be found.

New Moon Report for May 17th – Full Moon in Scorpio

Full Moon in Scorpio

Tuesday, May 17, 4:08 am PDT, 7:08 am EDT

The hungry Scorpio Moon faces off with the contented Sun in Taurus, causing us to reconsider our goals and the effort required to fulfill them. The psychological depth of this lunar placement tunes us in to the deepest levels of our feelings. This connection is very helpful for those willing to explore an emotional underground where unconscious fears and desires are often buried. Awareness of what we’re missing can either motivate us to invest more to fulfill our needs or lead some to give up in despair. This Full Moon presents a stark contrast between safety and danger, pacification and passion, illuminating the underlying values that drive much of our behavior.

Weekend Lunar Lovescopes for May 13 – 15

Weekend Love: Lunar Love

by Jeff Jawer

Surprising and Sexy Situations

May 13 – 15

The Moon’s entry into gracious Libra on Friday morning should signal ideal conditions for romance. This is the relationship sign that’s so good at being sweet, sociable and accommodating to others. Indecision is an occasional issue for this well-balanced sign, but now there are other planetary pressures that complicate the emotional landscape.

The Moon is opposed by unruly Uranus and squared by ornery Pluto on Friday, ruffling feathers and rattling cages. It’s easy to be upset by unexpected events, radical shifts of mood or a profound sense of alienation. It’s best to keep things simple as this may reduce the likelihood of relationship complications. Breaking free of old habits and pushing back against bullies and manipulative people are potential positive points of this cosmic environment.

Saturday’s planetary energy is somewhat quieter, allowing for the more desirable aspects of the harmonious Libra Moon to shine. Collaborating on ideas with an open mind and sharing feelings with an open heart are among its gifts.

Sunday tells a very different story with the Moon’s shift from objective Libra to passionate Scorpio in the morning. It’s a great day to indulge the senses, as lovable Venus dances into her earthy home sign Taurus and mental Mercury quickly follows to reinforce our need for comfort. Scorpio hungers for deeper connections, driving us to push harder for what we want and, perhaps, to be more upset about what we’re missing. Still, the Mercury-Venus shift into easygoing Taurus is a reminder to enjoy the simple beauty that surrounds all of us. Celebrating the intrinsic value of oneself and experiencing joy in the simple pleasures brings a bit of balance to Scorpio’s inferno of desire and could end up making this a very sexy day.

the daily humorscopes for may 10

 

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will develop a type of rubber overshoe that looks like dinosaur’s feet. They will become wildly popular, after your appearance on the Letterman show.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
A very pale young woman weilding a broadsword will approach you today to ask if you’d like your carnations pruned. Be nice and say yes. Reincarnation is tough on some people.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Oh boy! Today you will find some cool shoes that you’d forgotten all about, in the back of your closet. Oddly, they no longer fit, and are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will become a digger. Dig, dig, dig. That’s all you’ll think of, for months. You will discover an amazingly large diamond, about 27 feet down, and will be fabulously rich after that. Not that you’ll give me any credit, of course. Ingrate!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will hear a strange “clicking” sound today, as you are walking through the kitchen. Time to trim the toenails, don’t you think?
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Continue hiding.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You may lose sight of what is truly important to you, if you’re not careful. In other words, it not whether you win or lose, it’s whether you end up with your leg in a cast for 3 months.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
While attending a seance “just for fun”, you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscenti. It’ll be fun at first, but later you’ll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you’ll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours “The Federation Starship Intrepid”. And always do that little two-finger wave and say “engage”, when you start off, of course.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Time heals all wounds, yes. But that’s not really intended to mean that you should tie Time magazine around your sprained ankle. It’s a figure of speech, you see, not meant to be taken literally. I have heard, however, that Newsweek is good for gout.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You feel like you’re slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighborhood Astral Travel Agency.