the daily humorscope
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Your feet will continue to trouble you today, although you won’t be quite able to put your finger on what’s wrong. You haven’t been that flexible in years.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Once you’re that far behind, there’s really no way to get caught up. You might as well do something fun instead. You can tell them I told you it was ok.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will go on a potato binge today. Baked, fried, scalloped, stuffed, mashed, whipped, and hash-browned. Just stay away from the tater tots, for your own good.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will realize that it seems quite impossible to make any sense out of life, especially when you consider what life must be like in Nebraska.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to make a face like a rodent, and hold your paws up in front of your chest. When someone asks what you are doing, chitter at them and scurry away.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will get very dirty. Actually, though, it will be rather fun.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Good day for political intrigue and underhanded sneakiness. Try to wear something appropriate to the occasion.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
At the same moment you read this, someone will be thinking about you and smiling. In a moment, they’ll be laughing outright.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will finally get the television exposure you’ve been wanting, by organizing a group of protesters to block the entrance to a physics lab, holding crudely-lettered signs saying “Down With Gravity!.”
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
If you’re not already a vegetarian, you will be. Someone with the initial “E.” will make sure of that. Ed? Ernest? Dunno. Someone like that. E. Coli, is what I see. Odd name, huh? Sounds Italian.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
The currency crisis in Russia will continue to trouble you. The next time you have a dream in which you are told by your old Uncle Max to invest all your money in a canned borsht factory in Leningrad, you might stop to consider the alternatives. I hear that mutual funds can be nice, for example.