the daily humorscopes for friday, july 1

the daily humorscope

Friday, July 01, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You will discover that you can raise one eyebrow by itself, but not the other. This will aggravate you, and you’ll spend the majority of the day in front of the bathroom mirror, trying to correct the situation.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Someone you’ve never met will come up and nudge you today. You don’t have to stand for that, though, and you should just nudge them right back.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Fungus day today. Interestingly, you will discover that in order to engage in mycological research, you need go no further than your toes…

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

The phrase “return your tray tables to the upright and locked position” will cycle endlessly through your mind, today. It’s not serious. (But you should probably consider cutting down on the honey-roasted peanuts.)

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You’ve been a little down lately, and it’s time to snap out of it! You’ve got to smell the roses while there’s time, since you’re not going to live forever. Which is good, since you’re already seeing hair in funny places…

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Someone you don’t like will make repeated attempts to talk to you today. The best way to handle this is to stuff extremely crunchy food in your mouth during each attempt, and then mumble “What?” while looking at something slightly over their left shoulder.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Nobody will notice your new haircut, which you will find intensely irritating. It’s not as if you always had an iridescent green mohawk, you know?

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Despite protests from a variety of organizations, you will organize a charity event called a “squid fling”. Due in part to excellent media coverage, you will be quite successful. Mostly, though, you will succeed because nearly everyone has a secret desire to fling a squid.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You still have way too much to do. You always have too much to do. If you were any more behind, you would be able to kick yourself. Ever try saying “no”? Sheesh.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud “smooching” sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying “these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don’t they?” I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You’ve always felt, like Emerson, that the unexaminged life is not worth living. There’s no need to use a microscope, however.

The Planets Now for June 30

Position of the planets based on Greenwich Mean Time (GMT).

Sun:
08° 39′
in Cancer

Moon:
01° 20′
in Cancer

Mercury:
27° 32′
in Cancer

Venus:
25° 51′
in Gemini

Mars:
06° 53′
in Gemini

Jupiter:
04° 48′
in Taurus

Saturn:
10° 40′
in Libra

Uranus:
04° 36′
in Aries

Neptune:
00° 56′
in Pisces

Pluto:
05° 50′
in Capricorn

Aspects:
Conjunction: Moon Venus 5º Conjunction: Sun Moon 7º Opposition: Moon Pluto 4º Opposition: Saturn Uranus 6º Opposition: Sun Pluto 2º Quincunx: Mars Pluto 1º Semi-Sextile: Jupiter Uranus 0º Semi-Sextile: Mars Jupiter 2º Semi-Sextile: Mercury Venus 1º Semi-Sextile: Sun Mars 1º Sextile: Jupiter Neptune 3º Sextile: Mars Uranus 2º	Sextile: Moon Jupiter 3º Sextile: Neptune Pluto 4º Sextile: Sun Jupiter 3º Square: Mars Neptune 5º Square: Moon Uranus 3º Square: Saturn Pluto 4º Square: Sun Saturn 2º Square: Sun Uranus 4º Square: Uranus Pluto 1º Trine: Jupiter Pluto 1º Trine: Mars Saturn 3º Trine: Moon Neptune 0º Trine: Venus Neptune 5º

The Sun in Cancer
While the Sun is in Cancer family and home are the primary influences. Affection between family members is likely to increase. Familial bonds are likely to strengthen. Now is an ideal time to make improvements that make home life more comfortable and safe for all. Feelings of concern and compassion for the plight of others beyond the family should be quite strong at this time. Many may use this time to retreat and revitalize physical and spiritual energies.

Sun Conjunct Moon
Being true to one’s self will provide needed answers. Solitude and introspection may prove to be beneficial.

Sun Sextile or Trine Jupiter
This is an ideal influence for both beginning and completing projects. The prospect of attaining one’s goals is excellent at this time.

Sun Opposition or Square Saturn
One’s picture of one’s self may be a bit muddled at this time. Self-doubt will dampen the spirit of many.

Sun Opposition or Square Uranus
This aspect flavors current conditions with a heightened willingness to take risks and pursue adventures. The urge to act impulsively will be strong in many. Unfortunately their impulsive actions may undermine their ability to maintain a stable lifestyle.

Sun Opposition or Square Pluto
For seekers of power this should be a favorable aspect. The desire to distinguish themselves from the field will be strong in some. The need to control situations may lead some to become fanatical about their pursuits.

Moon In Cancer
Emotions are likely to guide behavior. Passions may run so high in some that they will need to withdraw and reenergize. Many may display such wild mood swings that they leave those around them completely confused.

Moon Conjunct Venus
Extra attention is likely to be given to children and family at this time.

Moon Sextile or Trine Jupiter
Now is an excellent time to mend past grievances. Sincerity and warmth will serve one well.

Moon Opposition or Square Uranus
The need for adventure and risk is likely to be heightened during this aspect. Many will be so influenced by the powers of this aspect that taking on new challenges may become a short term addiction.

Moon Sextile or Trine Neptune
Avoiding chaotic situations is critical to maintaining a healthy balance and moving forward towards one’s goals.

Moon Opposition or Square Pluto
This aspect is likely to strengthen deeper emotions and provide a time for an outpouring of one’s strongest passions.

Mercury In Cancer
Decisions are likely to be made with the heart and not the mind. Progress may be bogged down by a nostalgic outlook. Communication may suffer from the fear that to express one’s thoughts and feelings is to invite attack.

Venus In Gemini
Sexual energies are likely to be on the rise. Often they will be expressed in innocuous, good natured flirting, but sometimes the urge to exercise one’s sensuality may strongly influence behavior.

Venus Sextile or Trine Neptune
During this aspect many will find giving far more rewarding than receiving. The arts are likely to be very attractive as either a pursuit or experience or both.

Mars In Gemini
Short term projects are favored. The tendency to take on more than one project at a time could be strong, and should be managed to avoid taking on more than can be done. Mental labor is favored over physical labor.

Mars Sextile or Trine Saturn
Long term goals are favored by this aspect. The willingness to sacrifice and the determination to succeed will further ensure success will be realized.

Mars Sextile or Trine Uranus
This is an energizing, empowering aspect that favors those who act decisively. Generally, focusing on short term goals will produce positive results.

Mars Opposition or Square Neptune
The arts are likely to have a strong appeal during this aspect. Energies may be a bit low, so progress is more likely in when tackling short term projects that do not require large amounts of mental or physical energy.

Jupiter In Aries
Material gain and lifestyle security will be strong influences during this period. Many may take life much more seriously than they usually do. Tackling challenges from a practical approach is likely to yield positive results.

Jupiter Sextile or Trine Neptune
Maintaining an open mind to all possibilities is favored during this aspect.

Jupiter Sextile or Trine Pluto
Visions of what is possible on a grand scale are likely during this aspect. Those who set their goals according to their current vision are likely to do well.

Saturn In Libra
Intimacy may be more of a chore than a pleasure. Some will find their progress towards strengthening intimate bonds and attaining goals muted by feelings of inadequacy.

Saturn Opposition or Square Uranus
Those who aren’t afraid of a little hard work are favored by this aspect. Remaining focused and taking things seriously are likely to produce substantial rewards. The ability to quickly change to stay atop rapidly evolving circumstances is a very valuable asset at this time.

Saturn Opposition or Square Pluto
This aspect may make it difficult to commit one’s self to anything beyond the moment at hand. However, those who do take on new goals will put the full force of their nature into achieving them.

Uranus In Aries
The astrological influence of Uranus is measured in increments of 7 years. What this means is that the effects of Uranus influence an entire generation. Day to day the Uranian influence may be imperceptible, but when the period is viewed as a whole the impact of Uranus is likely to be strikingly apparent.

Iconoclasm, independence and self-sufficiency are likely to be major themes during this period. Traditional values will be challenged. Those with a pioneering spirit will flourish.

Uranus Square Pluto
A mental restlessness and the need for complete personal freedom are possible influences of this aspect. In some the need for total autonomy may be so strong that they will challenge any attempt to subdue their independence.

Neptune In Pisces
Because Neptune takes approximately 14 years to move across Pisces its day to day influence may be imperceptible, but when the period is viewed as a whole the impact of Neptune in Pisces is likely to be strikingly apparent.

Gentleness, creativity, and the pursuit of spiritual truth are strong influences at this time. Many may find mysticism and unorthodox religions very attractive.

Neptune Trine Pluto
The exploration of spiritual issues is favored during this aspect. Introspection should lead many to better understand the underlying motives behind their behavior.

Pluto In Capricorn
Because Pluto takes approximately 15 years to move across Capricorn its day to day influence may be imperceptible, but when the period is viewed as a whole the impact of Pluto in Capricorn is likely to be strikingly apparent.

Strong economic gains can be made during this period. Pluto in Capricorn favors those who are able to make logical decisions and devise pragmatic solutions to the challenges before them.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, june 30

the daily humorscope

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Beware of poltergeists, today.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

While idly doodling on a notepad, today, you will accidentally draw a symbol sacred to an ancient voodoo deity, and will open a gap into part of the astral plane that is even less appealing than Akron, Ohio.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Excellent day to blow soap bubbles in unusual places. See if you can get them to drift by people who are thinking too hard.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich. You never tire of the wild life, do you?

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment, you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say “Hay!”

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Ian McHarg once said, “Man is a blind, witless, anthropocentric clod who inflicts lesions upon the earth.” You will come up with a brilliant rebuttal to this, soon. You will say: “So?”

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

This may be a little late, but heck, late is better than never. You know when they said to shop naked? They meant shopping on-line…

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Don’t worry — that fortune cookie was wrong.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Good day to power-walk. It not only looks silly, it is silly.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend.)

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Good day to go around “nudging” people.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss’ IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of “Titanic II”.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, june 29

the daily humorscope

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Your incisors will seem to be getting longer today, and you will find sunlight hurts your eyes. Probably just a cold, and nothing to worry about.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Be nice to your coworkers today. Cow orkers have a darned tough job, so it’s good to make them feel special once in a while.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Happy Frog Day!! Let’s hear it for our little amphibious friends!

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will become trapped in the sofa, again. People will point and laugh.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Good day to learn to play the tuba.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Things aren’t going as well as they should for you. The main thing to do is to find someone else to blame, and move on.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Today you will discover that there is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. A silly nose wiggle ranks pretty highly, though.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

This is a good time to remember Einstein’s advice, to make things as simple as possible, but no simpler. That applies both to theoretical physics, and in your case, to dinner.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

In the grocery store, you will see quite a few people with infants in their shopping carts. Try though you might, however, you will not be able to find the bin with the children. Perhaps they’re sold out? Important Safety Tip: do not stop one of the women with an infant and ask her to show you where her baby came from.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

A friend will ask your advice on a technical matter. If you answer, you’ll be blamed. Pretend you don’t know anything about it.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Good day to go on a voyage of self-discovery. Try to be back in time for dinner, though.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It’s really hard to fail, if you have no purpose.

The Planets Now for June 27

Position of the planets based on Greenwich Mean Time (GMT).

Sun:
05° 46′
in Cancer

Moon:
22° 49′
in Taurus

Mercury:
22° 08′
in Cancer

Venus:
22° 09′
in Gemini

Mars:
04° 44′
in Gemini

Jupiter:
04° 18′
in Taurus

Saturn:
10° 35′
in Libra

Uranus:
04° 34′
in Aries

Neptune:
00° 58′
in Pisces

Pluto:
05° 55′
in Capricorn

Aspects:
Opposition: Saturn Uranus 6º Opposition: Sun Pluto 0º Quincunx: Mars Pluto 1º Semi-Sextile: Jupiter Uranus 0º Semi-Sextile: Mars Jupiter 0º Semi-Sextile: Mercury Venus 0º Semi-Sextile: Moon Venus 0º Semi-Sextile: Sun Mars 1º Sextile: Jupiter Neptune 3º Sextile: Mars Uranus 0º	Sextile: Moon Mercury 0º Sextile: Neptune Pluto 4º Sextile: Sun Jupiter 1º Square: Mars Neptune 3º Square: Saturn Pluto 4º Square: Sun Saturn 4º Square: Sun Uranus 1º Square: Uranus Pluto 1º Trine: Jupiter Pluto 1º Trine: Mars Saturn 5º Trine: Sun Neptune 4º

Sun Sextile or Trine Jupiter
This is an ideal influence for both beginning and completing projects. The prospect of attaining one’s goals is excellent at this time.

Sun Opposition or Square Saturn
One’s picture of one’s self may be a bit muddled at this time. Self-doubt will dampen the spirit of many.

Sun Sextile or Trine Neptune
Artistic pursuits and mysticism may be very attractive at this time.

Moon In Taurus
This is a period in which an easy going attitude and moving through life at a steady pace is favored. The need for physical pleasure may be high at this time. If possible conflict should be avoided. Unyielding stubbornness can lead to missing some great opportunities.

Moon Sextile or Trine Mercury
Insight into the psychological motivation behind individual’s behavior is very strong at this time.