the daily humorscope
Wednesday, July 06, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today is the second-to-last day, of the 19th segment of your life. Time to learn to appreciate tofu (bean curd).
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
If you’ve been wanting to become a religious leader, today is the day to get cracking on it. Otherwise, probably an uneventful day.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You’ll find more, and very “interesting”, uses for cocktail umbrellas today.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will have trouble with the telephone, in which, no matter what number you call, you reach “Mo’s Leather Emporium.” Don’t take it lightly.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You are about to start a band, with friends, which will be called “Rainy Daze.” You will choose that name primarily because one of your group simply doesn’t care for “Clenched Buttocks” as a band name.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You’ll find what you need under “Music, Instruction” and under “Cavorting, Instruction.” Don’t get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though — they’re really only needed by professionals.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Good time to be happy-go-lucky! You’ll find that works out a lot better than the sad-go-accident-prone you’ve been trying.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will go to a wedding soon, at which you will be uncomfortable. You’ll have fun throwing rice, though. In fact, chances are good that you’ll take up rice throwing as a hobby. “It’s not just for weddings any more,” you’ll say.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will read an oevre in a new genre. Actually, it will be an X-Men(tm) comic book, but you’ve never been one of those stuffy people who are unwilling to try new things.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Don’t do that. Your face could get stuck that way. Oh, I’m sorry. I hadn’t realized it already did…
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between “catches horrible disfiguring disease” and “loses everything in major earthquake”. I guess you can pick whichever one you want, in this case.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You’ll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.
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