the daily humorscopes for sunday, august 7th

the daily humorscope

 

Sunday, August 07, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today the universe will stop expanding, and start contracting. You will be the only one who notices. Also, you will develop a strange desire to wear golf shoes.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
A man with a mystical yet somehow tortured expression will stop you on the street, today, and ask you for a name brand of prepared mustard. If you carry a jar with you, and surprise him, you will make his life seem worthwhile.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will come up with a theory about people – that you can learn a lot about them, simply by removing the first letter of their name. For example, Ron -> On. That’s why I’m on-line. That also explains why Hugh acts so primitive, sometimes. And if I were you, I’d avoid Alice.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will read a small booklet titled How To Make A Fortune in Frog Farming, which will change your life.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
So, you’ve decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I’d mention that.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble’s “How To Get Noticed.”)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will answer the phone today by shouting “You bloated sack of protoplasm!”. Unfortunately, it’s not your friend calling. It’s your mother.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbour’s back yard. It’s probably nothing — he probably just digs at night if he can’t get to sleep. I know I do.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today is not a good day to be yourself. In fact, that might even be dangerous. Be someone else, until further notice.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good week to greet everyone with great enthusiasm. For example, “Bob! You’re still alive!” (Everyone likes to feel appreciated.)
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will invent an automated diaper changing device that looks a bit like a large mechanical squid. Parents will love them, but you’ll need to do plenty of advertising before passers-by stop “rescuing” babies and beating the crap out of the machines. (Literally.)
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This is a good time to start becoming a connosieur. You have to take that one thing at a time, though – e.g. nobody is going to become a wine connosier overnight. Start with something that’s fun to say. Pumpernickel, for example.

Today’s Runes for August 6th is Inguz

Today’s Runes

Spirit Runes are most commonly used for questions about mysticism, spirituality, and religion. Inguz is the rune of completion and fertility. The presence of this rune suggests that tasks which have been initiated will come to fruition. This rune is associated with Ing and Frey, it is this connection that explains its connotations of both fertility and sexuality. The variant of this rune shown here is reminiscent of the twin strands of life, and of the challenge and rewards of bringing together things complimentary.

Today’s I Ching Hexagram for August 6th is 15: Humility

15: Humility

Hexagram 15

General Meaning: Humility is often rewarded in human affairs, just as the erosion of a great mountain fills the valley. It is the way of nature to fill the empty cup. Regardless of your position, humility is a positive and deceptively powerful attribute. If you are in a high position but are still humble, people will be drawn to you and the causes you espouse. If your position is lowly, humility will endear you to those of higher status. True humility is a virtue to which all should aspire.

The most successful and happiest people are those who know how to bring each situation into balance by reducing that which is too great, and adding to that which is too little. Such a person craves not power, but balanced and stable relationships. Humility is the virtue that supplies the balancing power, as humble people are not prey to the many illusions that grow out of self-importance. If humility is not natural to your disposition, make a conscious effort to develop a strain of self-effacing humor.

Your Daily Number for August 6th: 5

You may find yourself discussing or embarking on a trip today. Not a great day for details; it’s better to take advantage of today’s self-promoting energy to get off the beaten path and be social.

Fast Facts

About the Number 5

Theme: Resourceful, Adventure, Speculation, Travel
Astro Association: Taurus
Tarot Association: Hierophant

Today’s Tarot Card for August 6th is The Moon

The Moon

This Tarot Deck: Universal Waite

General Meaning: What has traditionally been known as the Moon card refers to a deep state of sensitivity and imaginative impressionability, developed within a womb of deep relaxation. Here we dream and go into trance, have visions and receive insights, wash in and out with the psychic tides, and experience deep mystical and/or terrifying realities beyond our ordinary senses. The full moon and/or eclipse cycle charted by the Magi (as in some of the earliest Moon card images) exemplify this as a mechanism that Nature uses to expand consciousness.

The variants of the courtly lovers (representing skillful use of the sex force) or the man sleeping it off under the tree (use of drugs to alter consciousness) are also traditional avenues for tapping this primal force. Human interest in higher states propels us to the frontiers of consciousness, where we cannot always control what happens. The Moon card represents the ultimate test of a soul’s integrity, where the membrane between self and the Unknown is removed, and the drop of individuality reenters the Ocean of Being. What transpires next is between a soul and its Maker.

Your Daily Horoscopes for Saturday, August 6th

The passionate Scorpio Moon puts us in touch with our feelings which are likely to be more intense than usual. With the right chemistry it can be exciting if our emotions merge with someone else’s, but we are frightened by the idea of being vulnerable because of today’s stressful Sun-Moon square. Yet, once we work through our resistance, we can be transformed by the magic of love as romantic Venus forms a creative connection with potent Pluto.

 

Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

You may be able to see through the veneer of social niceties today, revealing someone’s fears that are usually kept safely hidden. You can sense an unspoken agenda, even if others act in a lighthearted manner. Your current intuitiveness might prompt you to retreat because you’re not sure that you want to engage on that level. But don’t withdraw too quickly; the person you thought was being negative could turn out to be your closest ally if you give him or her a chance.

Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

You may be worried that a relationship won’t meet your expectations today. Instead of overcoming your fear and scheduling a memorable encounter, you might choose to just settle back into your familiar routine. However, this laid-back approach probably isn’t your best strategy and could leave you feeling disappointed with your choice. Taking the safest route now won’t necessarily help you reach your destination, so open up your heart and make the first move.

Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

Today you may be confronted with an important piece of information that you previously overlooked. You might have innocently assumed that others would support your ideas and admire your creativity. Unfortunately, strong emotional undercurrents raise concerns as you try to comprehend the complexity of the situation. Don’t try to figure it all out now; the energy will shift tomorrow and you’ll gain a clearer understanding of your options.

Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

You feel pretty even-keeled now, even if a little money problem comes to the surface that requires your immediate attention. You can try to analyze the situation and logically determine your best course of action, but your solution may not come through cool reason today. The best answers will arise more easily once you stop seeking them so desperately.

Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Your life isn’t as carefree as others assume just because you make it appear as if you are having a lot of fun, even when you’re troubled. Your defense mechanisms can effectively hide a very deep well of feelings today. But just going through the motions isn’t very rewarding, so share some of what’s on your mind with someone you trust. If you’re having a hard time starting the conversation, write down your thoughts and use your notes to get the ball rolling.

Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

Although you want to balance your desires with what others need, your good intentions could run into resistance today. It seems as if it would be easier to just gloss over your annoyance if you think that someone is keeping a secret. However your suspicion can turn into anger if you don’t voice your concerns. Ironically, you may be wrong about your hunch, but you’ll feel relieved once your fears are out in the open.

Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Although you try to maintain your cool today, you know big changes are coming that could impact your closest relationships. Even if the shift seems far away, you’re already feeling the pressure internally. Thankfully, you are able to find your way back to the center now if you concentrate on your core values instead of on external events. If you remain true to your highest ideals then everything else will, hopefully, fall into place.

Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

You don’t need people to tell you what you already know, and anyone who is overly critical today may be rudely surprised at the intensity of your response. However, you don’t necessarily want to be alone; it’s just that you yearn for meaningful contact with your most supportive friends. Those who are seeking shallow social banter could get an earful when you share the truth as you see it. There’s no need to hold back now; just be ready to deal with the consequences of your honesty.

Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

You aren’t interested in sharing your feelings today while the Moon visits your 12th House of Secrets. Even if others think that you’re baring your soul, you have more going on internally than they realize. In fact, your philosophical ramblings can cleverly hide the real juice. Keep in mind that you might not benefit from changing your tactics. It may be wiser to take the conversation to the next level only when you’re ready to be more vulnerable.

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

You may be more reserved in your conversations with others today as you reconsider what you really want from your relationships. Although you aren’t likely to isolate yourself completely, you’re wary about getting entangled with someone who might create unnecessary drama. Trust your instincts and be ready to walk away from a situation that could complicate your life without offering you any benefits.

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

You most likely have admirable intentions today, yet your plan may be thwarted through no fault of your own. Naturally, you cannot control all the variables in your surroundings, but you can take full responsibility for your response to a situation. Paradoxically, an overly positive reaction could be just as problematic as a very negative one. Avoiding emotional extremes enables you to make the best of these tricky circumstances.

Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

Your heightened awareness today puts you in touch with emotions that may be challenging to integrate. But denying your feelings can create a whole other set of problems. You could inadvertently disconnect from the source of your inspiration if you shut down your compassion. Thankfully, you’re able to move through your day gracefully as long as you remember to keep checking in with your heart.