I Am Me
Author: Dahlia Starwatch
I was always told, “Yup, Jesus is up there. Yup, God’s watching you, so be good.” And I couldn’t help but feel a bit afraid of the menacing big guy upstairs that would send down to the inferno that (not literally) burned right under my feet if I did something wrong or bad. And I couldn’t help but feel alone when the topic of religion came up in my family.
I said I was this, but it felt off. Then I’d say I was this, and still feel off. Then I got more into Buddhism. It felt close enough to what I wanted; I said that’s what I was. So I studied and studies and practiced and my grandparents were proud. They’d take me to the temple just to study. They made sure I practiced at least once a day, but everything still felt off.
But that’s what the problem was, I felt off. And I hated it. I just wanted a religion that would let me believe in what I believe in, and that was magic. I had always loved magic since I was a little girl. Starting from watching “Charmed” with my mom and aunts to “Harry Potter”. I found magic in the world, and that’s what I wanted. I just could never find it. So I stuck with Buddha, no matter how uncomfortable I felt.
Then I started going for walks around my neighborhood and down at a close park and felt the energy of the world. I felt the energy that the rocks stored and carried. I felt the energy from people that passed me on their own walks or as they sped by in their cars. I felt the energy of the creek and the trees and all the other plants. I didn’t understand it so I just dismissed it. I didn’t like dismissing it. But it was foreign, and I was very “in my shell” back then.
I kept going for my walks and I kept trying to ignore what I felt. It was really hard, so finally, i just sat down on a big rock in the park by the creek and just sat there. I sat there for a good hour. I watched how the world changed in front of my eyes, even if they were just little changes. I felt the world’s energy shift and move and felt it move through me and i was just in awe.
I came back the next day and did the same thing all over. I soon began to realize, after I left the park, I felt much happier. I felt better I felt amazing. I didn’t understand it, so I went to mom about it. I tried to explain it to her. I tried to explain how the energy moved and how the world changed and how beautiful the change and energy flow was. But she just told me that I was touched by a special gift from one of the Gods. I felt crushed that that was the only explanation I was going to get. So I went down the park continually, and every day I thought to myself, this feels like magic. This is what I like. This is what I want to feel like everyday, all the time.
Then one day, a good friend of mine began talking about some of his Wiccan friends. I became really curious and decided to do some research. Being that I couldn’t get to a bookstore, I Googled away (yes, I am a dweeb at times but I love being that way ^.^) ! I ended up finding a website (Wicca-spirituality.com) and fell in love with Wicca. I ate up the information and began to really study the faith trying to understand the God and Goddess, and I realized, this is what I am. This is the religion I’ve been searching for. I couldn’t feel more… centered. I felt at home.
I told my mom, but she didn’t know what the religion was. So I tried to explain it to her, and she still didn’t understand. She told my dad, and my father said nothing. But they both threw a terrible fit when my friend gave me tarot cards for Christmas. I argued with them that it was apart of my religion.
They argued it was bad luck. I wasn’t going to give up something I believed in. They had raised me to fight for what I believed in. But now they were being just plain hypocritical. I was allowed to be a Wiccan, but I couldn’t practice Wicca?
I couldn’t practice the magick I had believed in my whole life? I was shattered. This is who I am, and my parents wouldn’t let me be true to myself when that’s what they taught me while growing up. So finally, I just shut them out of my religious beliefs.
I shut them out. I didn’t want them to talk down to me because they said what I believed in was now said “Evil”, which was a common misunderstanding. Wicca is beautiful religion, and I’m proud to be a witch. But apparently they weren’t.
Finally though, they began to accept who I am, religion included. They even take me to the Stores to buy supplies when needed, even though the Stored are a long drive a way
So I’ve been studying Wicca ever since. I am proud to say that I’ve actually merged two religions and it feels perfect for me and I am proud to say I am Buddhist Wiccan. It made no sense to me to drop a religion I had done for so long, and Wicca isn’t really all that different when it comes to the faith. I love that I found out who I am, and that I have a Goddess watching over me.
Merry ye meet and merry ye part. (:
Blessed Be~~ Dahlia Starwatch