Tag: Scorpio

the daily humorscopes for monday, june 6

the daily humorscope 

 

Monday, June 06, 2011

 
     Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to burst into song. Nothing too fancy, mind you — no arias. The theme song from “The Beverly Hillbillies” will do nicely. Why not see how many people you can get to sing along?
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will attempt to capitalize on the success of SPAM by inventing SPEEF. Unfortunately, you would have been much better off trying to make SPICKEN, instead.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Beware of giant squids today. Other than that, a good day for a nice walk along the beach.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You are developing a strangely magnetic personality. Soon people you don’t even know will begin hanging around with you, hoping for some small sign of your attention. Also, iron filings will begin sticking to the tip of your nose.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
About your new idea… Sure, I’ll bet you could sell your handmade voodoo dolls by marketing them over the Internet. The competition, however, can be “fierce.” You might want to stop and consider how many flights of stairs you’re interested in falling down, before you commit yourself to that course of action…
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will discover that you are capable of “channelling”, when you start spouting ancient sumerian curses at a short little dweeb who cuts you off in traffic. You will start taking notes in cuneiform.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I’m not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be “The Screaming Weasels.”
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
An odd smell, probably like that of chocolate milk drying on a linoleum floor, will bring back a flood of childhood memories. You will remember your locker combination from seventh grade, for example. Ironically, this will happen during a boring yet important meeting, and you will disgrace yourself by calling someone “booger-face”.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Beware of Doug.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will get the peculiar urge to go outside and roll around in something yicky. Also, you’ll notice your ears are getting hairy.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as “launch codes”, “who’s been naughty”, or “Snerge”. This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Remember: you can’t tell your boss to get lost. You can, however, give him the wrong directions.

New Moon Report for May 17th – Full Moon in Scorpio

Full Moon in Scorpio

Tuesday, May 17, 4:08 am PDT, 7:08 am EDT

The hungry Scorpio Moon faces off with the contented Sun in Taurus, causing us to reconsider our goals and the effort required to fulfill them. The psychological depth of this lunar placement tunes us in to the deepest levels of our feelings. This connection is very helpful for those willing to explore an emotional underground where unconscious fears and desires are often buried. Awareness of what we’re missing can either motivate us to invest more to fulfill our needs or lead some to give up in despair. This Full Moon presents a stark contrast between safety and danger, pacification and passion, illuminating the underlying values that drive much of our behavior.

Water

Water
Elementals: Nymphs, Undines
Elemental ruler: Niksa
Direction: West
Color: Blue
Season: Autumn
Time of day: Dusk
Symbols: Chalice, Goblet, Cauldron, Mirror
Some things associated with water: Emotions, friendship, dreams, intution, psychic abilities.
Some Herbs associated with The element of water: Jasmine, Gardenia, Rose, yarrow, Irish Moss, sandalwood
Type Of energy: feminine
Wind: West wind
Zodiac symbols ruled by water: Scorpio, Cancer, Pisces
Power Of Magus: Velle, To will

Symbols and Association of Air

Symbols and Association of Air
 
Air has the qualities of coolness and dryness and association with breath, life and communication. In astrology, Air rules the Zodiac signs Aquarius, Gemini and Libra. People born under the Air signs think, communicate, analyze, and theorize. They love freedom, truth and justice, and have the ability to change circumstances with amazing speed. As thinkers, they rely on rationality rather than on intuition or emotions. Their philosophical approach to any situation allows them to endure hardships. Air signs can tolerate almost any circumstances, as long as there is a rational explanation for it. They have great leadership capabilities, with a reputation of being fair. Interested in almost everything, they are lifelong students.
 
The Element of Air becomes a negative one when Air folks require family and friends to uphold the same standards they live by. Air people cannot understand why everyone does not think and act as they do. When they make a mistake they tend to rationalize instead of using the situation as a learning experience. They are devoted to abstract ideas and have difficulty making decision, making them sometimes exasperating to work with. In addition, they tend to procrastinate.

Weekend Lunar Lovescopes for May 13 – 15

Weekend Love: Lunar Love

by Jeff Jawer

Surprising and Sexy Situations

May 13 – 15

The Moon’s entry into gracious Libra on Friday morning should signal ideal conditions for romance. This is the relationship sign that’s so good at being sweet, sociable and accommodating to others. Indecision is an occasional issue for this well-balanced sign, but now there are other planetary pressures that complicate the emotional landscape.

The Moon is opposed by unruly Uranus and squared by ornery Pluto on Friday, ruffling feathers and rattling cages. It’s easy to be upset by unexpected events, radical shifts of mood or a profound sense of alienation. It’s best to keep things simple as this may reduce the likelihood of relationship complications. Breaking free of old habits and pushing back against bullies and manipulative people are potential positive points of this cosmic environment.

Saturday’s planetary energy is somewhat quieter, allowing for the more desirable aspects of the harmonious Libra Moon to shine. Collaborating on ideas with an open mind and sharing feelings with an open heart are among its gifts.

Sunday tells a very different story with the Moon’s shift from objective Libra to passionate Scorpio in the morning. It’s a great day to indulge the senses, as lovable Venus dances into her earthy home sign Taurus and mental Mercury quickly follows to reinforce our need for comfort. Scorpio hungers for deeper connections, driving us to push harder for what we want and, perhaps, to be more upset about what we’re missing. Still, the Mercury-Venus shift into easygoing Taurus is a reminder to enjoy the simple beauty that surrounds all of us. Celebrating the intrinsic value of oneself and experiencing joy in the simple pleasures brings a bit of balance to Scorpio’s inferno of desire and could end up making this a very sexy day.

the daily humorscopes for may 10

 

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will develop a type of rubber overshoe that looks like dinosaur’s feet. They will become wildly popular, after your appearance on the Letterman show.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
A very pale young woman weilding a broadsword will approach you today to ask if you’d like your carnations pruned. Be nice and say yes. Reincarnation is tough on some people.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Oh boy! Today you will find some cool shoes that you’d forgotten all about, in the back of your closet. Oddly, they no longer fit, and are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will become a digger. Dig, dig, dig. That’s all you’ll think of, for months. You will discover an amazingly large diamond, about 27 feet down, and will be fabulously rich after that. Not that you’ll give me any credit, of course. Ingrate!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will hear a strange “clicking” sound today, as you are walking through the kitchen. Time to trim the toenails, don’t you think?
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Continue hiding.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You may lose sight of what is truly important to you, if you’re not careful. In other words, it not whether you win or lose, it’s whether you end up with your leg in a cast for 3 months.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
While attending a seance “just for fun”, you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscenti. It’ll be fun at first, but later you’ll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you’ll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours “The Federation Starship Intrepid”. And always do that little two-finger wave and say “engage”, when you start off, of course.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Time heals all wounds, yes. But that’s not really intended to mean that you should tie Time magazine around your sprained ankle. It’s a figure of speech, you see, not meant to be taken literally. I have heard, however, that Newsweek is good for gout.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You feel like you’re slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighborhood Astral Travel Agency.

the daily humorscope

 

Thursday, April 28, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will call someone today, who will insist on calling you “Sven.” Humor them — act impressed.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will find an alien artifact behind the cushion in the sofa. Point the pointy end away from you, if you push the little bumpy thing. Personally, I’d just leave it alone.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Beware of cats, today. (Particularly black and white cats who sit next to you and pretend to be innocent. Those are the worst kind.)
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you’ll go buy a white jacket, and start working towards your dream: the resurgence of Disco! And you’ll be successful, too! Yes, over the course of your life, you’ll get literally several people interested.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
If you aren’t careful, you may accidentally insult someone by a poor choice of words, and hurt their feelings. In particular, the expression “hideously deformed” may not be as neutral as you believe.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will be “on the move”, soon. Especially movements of a gastrointestinal nature, as it turns out. Good day to stay close to home.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Your friend will betray you today, and will hide from you under office furniture. Hey, don’t ask me. I just see the future, I don’t explain it.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you shall laugh your bitter laugh. You’ll also sneeze your bitter sneeze.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Your children will return, but they’ll be unnaturally quiet and good-natured. Eventually, you’ll discover how the switch was made.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You are about to start a band, with friends, which will be called “Rainy Daze”. You will choose that name primarily because one of your group simply doesn’t care for “Clenched Buttocks” as a band name.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things “taste like chicken”. It’s because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises.

the daily humorscopes for april 27

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to buy a stereo microscope, and examine that stuff under your toenail. Well, as good a day as any.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will stumble across conclusive proof that cilantro is actually the main ingredient in detergents and soaps, and that its culinary use started as a joke — it’s just that most people are too shy to admit that they’d rather spray Lysol on their burrito than put cilantro on it.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
That rash should clear up soon, Bob. Oh stop worrying. I won’t tell anyone.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Try to avoid calling anyone a “vacuous, coffee-nosed, malodorous pervert”, today. (That can be taken the wrong way, I’ve discovered.)
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to use nautical terms in ordinary situations, and to refer to the different sides of your building as “port” and “starboard.”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Remember today: two wrongs don’t make a right. But three do.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
In a rather bizarre and unfortunate turn of events today, your lips will go ballistic. Shortly thereafter, your Ziggy Marley accent will kick in. You will be comforted to know that those are simply the first two signs of a “spaz attack”, which is more common than most people realize, and usually non-fatal.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Life will deal you an interesting hand soon. Which is OK, although an interesting foot would have been better.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you’ve got “lots of work to do”. (And don’t let them spot you fondly caressing it.)
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Due to forces beyond comprehension, you will begin talking with a Texas accent. Eventually, you’ll come out with audio tapes to teach this to others, which you will call “Bubba-Bonics”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Don’t you owe someone a thank-you note? If not, send one anyway — that’s always fun.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This will be a very happy week for you. And you know what they’ve been saying about that for thousands of years, don’t you? “Happy Good! Me Like Happy!”

the daily humorscopes for april 22

 

Friday, April 22, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today someone sitting near you will make repeated nasal sounds that will eventually drive you screaming from the room. Try to avoid attacking them with a box of kleenex upon re-entering the room.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Oddly, despite the impression you gained from a television commercial, your new soap will not inspire unusual levels of grinning in the shower.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Bad day to feed the Bengal tiger. Let someone else do it, today. Probably just an “off” batch of the Purina Tiger Chow, but why risk it?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
What goes around will come around, today. Metaphorically speaking, that is.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
People will stare at you today. Unknown to you, you are starting to look more and more like a large frog. A career in basketball may be in your future.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
This will be a very happy week for you. And you know what they’ve been saying about that for thousands of years, don’t you? “Happy Good! Me Like Happy!”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today you will suddenly realize how sensuous pudding can be. This will mark a turning point in your life.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you’ll become incensed at the thought that you missed out on all the fun during the 60’s and 70’s, and will change your name to “Sunflower” in protest.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to go around “nudging” people.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Fortune will smile upon you today. Actually, it’s more of a smirk.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
It’s ok to spill the wine today, if you feel you really have to. Under no circumstance should you dig that girl, however.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will be pestered by a small fluffy animal today. Don’t be taken in by appearances — it’s actually a mutant from outer space.

Daily Horoscopes for April 9th

Daily Horoscopes

Saturday 9th, 2011

Aries

March 21 to April 20

You are currently in a cycle of spiritual development, aided by negotiations with both hidden aspects of life and encounters that challenge your problem-solving abilities. You are currently entering an initial four month period of a longer cycle that shapes your spirituality through such encounters. There?s more ahead in 2012 

 

Taurus

April 21 to May 21

Your visions are giving birth to new goals and new ways to achieve them, calling on your creativity. You?re also mixing with a different type of person, making new friends. Your experiences in the two months around June 3, 2011 highlight these trends, culturing directions and creativity. You?ll be much more adept by the end of this cycle in early 2013. 

 

Gemini

May 22 to June 22

New career aspirations are being nurtured during the next four months, requiring the development of artistic or creative skills. This trend will also initiate career opportunities that allows for the employment of such talents. You need to be patient with the development of this potential for this phase is not complete until the New Year of 2013. 

 

Cancer

June 23 to July 23

Your desires to travel and learn are currently being stimulated 

 

Leo

July 24 to August 23

The developing financial potential of the four months centred on June 3, 2011 will grow in magnitude until late January 2013. You need to feel your way with these matters as you are unfamiliar with certain associated aspects. Trust is an important part of this cycle, but you must also ensure that such trust is not misplaced. Expect more action early in 2012. 

 

Virgo

August 24 to September 23

New dimensions are being experienced in marriage or a partnership, which many Virgos feel is ideal. The coming four months initiates a new sequence in a longer term trend that sees you identify more strongly with a charismatic individual, with whom you are closely aligned. February and March 2012, then August 2012 to January 2013 enhance such associations. 

 

Libra

September 24 to October 23

Your creative work potential is being unleashed during the coming four months, seeing the development of a skillset that can be used in the real world. As such, job opportunities are also being cultured, so that by the end of January 2013 you will be much happier with the state of such affairs 

 

Scorpio

October 24 to November 22

The budding potential of romance tantalises Scorpio individuals over the coming eighteen to twenty-one months, creating a truly memorable relationship. You feel that you have so much in common with this individual, who lives up to your ideals. This cycle also promotes fertility and involvement with children, so new experiences are also being shaped during the course of this sequence. 

 

Sagittarius

November 23 to December 21

Your domestic life is very fluid and mutable, ideally, allowing you a degree of freedom. Over the coming eighteen to twenty-one months, some aspect of your family life is becoming more ideal, with the initial phase beginning in the next four months. Family members also exhibit a great deal of compassion towards each other, adding to the idyllic state of affairs. 

 

Capricorn

December 22 to January 19

You?re exploring new ways of daily life, involving flexible schedules, freely-structured relationships with neighbours, and the investigation of local variability. There seems to be some secretiveness or seclusion to all this, ensuring that you blend into the background whilst establishing important contacts. You?ll do this well in the coming four months 

 

Aquarius

January 20 to February 18

The exploration of unknown financial potential seems to be a developing theme during the coming four months, calling on all your creative and intuitive skills to get things going. There?ll be further developments in February and March 2012 and August 2012 to January 2013, as you cultivate your talents and income-earning potential. 

 

Pisces

February 2 to March 20

Pisceans are on a journey of personal discovery during April to July 2011, February and March 2012, and August 2012 to January 2013