Laugh-A-Day for October 27 ~ Redneck Astrological Signs

Redneck Astrological Signs


Okra December 22 – January 20 Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

Chitlin January 21 – February 19 Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they’re uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he’s motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.

Boll Weevil February 20 – March 20 You have an overwhelming curiosity. You’re unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the needto bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you arevery intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don’t worry about it.

Moon Pie March 21 – April 20 You’re the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It’s a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. “Big” and “round” are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It’s not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

Possum April 21 – May 21 When confronted with life’s difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a “don’t-bother-me-about-it” attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you’re dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won’t work, and you may find your problems actually running you over.

Crawfish May 22 – June 21 Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you’re always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtubto the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically.

Collards June 22 – July 23 Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the “melting pot” of life and share their essence with the essences of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards stay away from Moon Pies. It just won’t work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

Catfish July 24 – August 23 Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, with one exception: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

Grits August 24 – September 23 Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, though, so maybe you should think about joininga club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

Boiled Peanuts September 24 – October 23 You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best – your friends and loved ones – may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over andstop for you.

Butter Bean October 24 – November 22 Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You’ve grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn’t have anything to do with Moon Pies.

Armadillo November 23 – December 21 You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you?Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You’re not concerned with today’s fashions and trends. You’re not concerned with anything about today. You’re really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another mating possibility.

 

Turok’s Cabana

Chill Out Binding Spell

Chill Out Binding Spell

Supplies:

  • Small jar with cap
  • twine or string – preferably red
  • one fava bean to represent the Lord (or draw a phallus on paper)
  • rose petals to represent the Lady
  • frankincense and myrrh (powdered), rosemary, and any other herb that “feels right” to you. (i.e. rue, wormwood, etc. for bindings or exorcisms)
  • olive oil or salad oil
  • banishing scented oil
  • a  couple of colored markers or pens
  • paper
  • enough water to fill the jar three-fourths full.

Directions:

Erect your circle of protection.

Take your  bottle and place it on the altar.  Take the piece of paper and draw a “gingerbread type” doll and write the name of the person  or situation you are binding on it.  Talk to the paper doll and tell it all of the things that it has done to disappoint and hurt you.  Anoint it with the banishing oil, drawing a Pentagram on it with the oil.  Now, place a fava bean, drawing of a phallus, or amber in the jar along with the rose petals and other herbs. As you place each item in the jar state, state with feeling:

I bind you from harming me or anyone else   with this (person’s name here).

Take the doll or dolls in hand and the string.  Fold the doll/dolls into a square, and begin wrapping the doll in the string.  With each wrapping, state:

Once around, securely bound,   now’s the time for cooling down.

When you are through, securely knot the string a minimum of 3 times. While you are chanting this, see the person securely tied with sturdy ropes, and gagged.  You might even draw a gag around the figures.)  Now place the doll in the jar and pour about a teaspoon of oil over the doll.  As you are dribbling it over the doll, state:

I place sacred oil all around you,   about you and below you,   to make your path slippery   while you violate the Rede   and Law of Three.

Now fill the jar 3/4 ‘s full of water, place it in the freezer of your refrigerator, and repeat:

Time to chill out, chill out, chill out.   Bound around and about.   I place around you (person’s name)   the crystal sphere of the Mother’s Orb,   mirrored on the inside so that you   will have to see yourself as you are   at every moment until you surrender and   change your behavior towards yourself and   those around you into a more positive   behavior pattern.

I ask the Lady to empower this spell and   insure it’s working, only if it is in the   highest and best good of all concerned.   As I will it, so mote it be!

Close the freezer and leave that puppy there until you are satisfied that the person will not hurt anyone else. This person is contained from hurting you and anyone else, and is “chilling out”.  Do not worry about them any longer. Write out how you felt about this person/situation before now, including what they did to you, and how you feel right now.  This will allow you to get the worst of the anger, disillusion, disappointment out of your system so that you won’t become ill from the feelings.   Smudge your house afterwards, and draw a Pentagram on each window and door in your house, including your computer monitor (if you have one) and all mirrors, stating:

I ward thee to keep harm at bay.

As I will it, so mote it be.