Tag: Virgo

the daily humorscopes for may 10

 

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will develop a type of rubber overshoe that looks like dinosaur’s feet. They will become wildly popular, after your appearance on the Letterman show.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
A very pale young woman weilding a broadsword will approach you today to ask if you’d like your carnations pruned. Be nice and say yes. Reincarnation is tough on some people.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Oh boy! Today you will find some cool shoes that you’d forgotten all about, in the back of your closet. Oddly, they no longer fit, and are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will become a digger. Dig, dig, dig. That’s all you’ll think of, for months. You will discover an amazingly large diamond, about 27 feet down, and will be fabulously rich after that. Not that you’ll give me any credit, of course. Ingrate!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will hear a strange “clicking” sound today, as you are walking through the kitchen. Time to trim the toenails, don’t you think?
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Continue hiding.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You may lose sight of what is truly important to you, if you’re not careful. In other words, it not whether you win or lose, it’s whether you end up with your leg in a cast for 3 months.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
While attending a seance “just for fun”, you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscenti. It’ll be fun at first, but later you’ll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you’ll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours “The Federation Starship Intrepid”. And always do that little two-finger wave and say “engage”, when you start off, of course.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Time heals all wounds, yes. But that’s not really intended to mean that you should tie Time magazine around your sprained ankle. It’s a figure of speech, you see, not meant to be taken literally. I have heard, however, that Newsweek is good for gout.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You feel like you’re slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighborhood Astral Travel Agency.

the daily humorscopes for Monday, May 9

Your Charm for May 5 is Virgo the Virgin

Your Charm for Today
 
 

Virgo the Virgin
 
Today’s Meaning:
This aspect of your life will be strongly influenced by a person who is modest, shy, meticulous, reliable, practical, diligent, intelligent and analytical. This person may be a leader of some kind where you are employed.General Description:
Sixth sign of the Zodiac, Aug. 24th to Sept. 22nd. Ruled by the planet Mercury; correct metal, Silver. Those born under the influence of Virgo were supposed to be painstaking, efficient, ingenious, methodical, sensitive, studious, restless, rather irritable, but slow to anger. The Virgo gems are the Cornelian and Sardonyx. The Cornelian has always been a favourite talisman in the East. The Chinese had great faith in its supposed medicinal virtues. In Egypt used as a protection from every kind of evil; in Turkey and Arabia engraved with a verse from the Koran, and worn as an amulet for eveil eye, the plague, and every from of sickness; in Spain for courage and eloquence.

the daily humorscope

 

Thursday, April 28, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will call someone today, who will insist on calling you “Sven.” Humor them — act impressed.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will find an alien artifact behind the cushion in the sofa. Point the pointy end away from you, if you push the little bumpy thing. Personally, I’d just leave it alone.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Beware of cats, today. (Particularly black and white cats who sit next to you and pretend to be innocent. Those are the worst kind.)
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you’ll go buy a white jacket, and start working towards your dream: the resurgence of Disco! And you’ll be successful, too! Yes, over the course of your life, you’ll get literally several people interested.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
If you aren’t careful, you may accidentally insult someone by a poor choice of words, and hurt their feelings. In particular, the expression “hideously deformed” may not be as neutral as you believe.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will be “on the move”, soon. Especially movements of a gastrointestinal nature, as it turns out. Good day to stay close to home.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Your friend will betray you today, and will hide from you under office furniture. Hey, don’t ask me. I just see the future, I don’t explain it.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you shall laugh your bitter laugh. You’ll also sneeze your bitter sneeze.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Your children will return, but they’ll be unnaturally quiet and good-natured. Eventually, you’ll discover how the switch was made.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You are about to start a band, with friends, which will be called “Rainy Daze”. You will choose that name primarily because one of your group simply doesn’t care for “Clenched Buttocks” as a band name.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things “taste like chicken”. It’s because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises.

the daily humorscopes for april 27

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to buy a stereo microscope, and examine that stuff under your toenail. Well, as good a day as any.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will stumble across conclusive proof that cilantro is actually the main ingredient in detergents and soaps, and that its culinary use started as a joke — it’s just that most people are too shy to admit that they’d rather spray Lysol on their burrito than put cilantro on it.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
That rash should clear up soon, Bob. Oh stop worrying. I won’t tell anyone.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Try to avoid calling anyone a “vacuous, coffee-nosed, malodorous pervert”, today. (That can be taken the wrong way, I’ve discovered.)
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to use nautical terms in ordinary situations, and to refer to the different sides of your building as “port” and “starboard.”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Remember today: two wrongs don’t make a right. But three do.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
In a rather bizarre and unfortunate turn of events today, your lips will go ballistic. Shortly thereafter, your Ziggy Marley accent will kick in. You will be comforted to know that those are simply the first two signs of a “spaz attack”, which is more common than most people realize, and usually non-fatal.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Life will deal you an interesting hand soon. Which is OK, although an interesting foot would have been better.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you’ve got “lots of work to do”. (And don’t let them spot you fondly caressing it.)
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Due to forces beyond comprehension, you will begin talking with a Texas accent. Eventually, you’ll come out with audio tapes to teach this to others, which you will call “Bubba-Bonics”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Don’t you owe someone a thank-you note? If not, send one anyway — that’s always fun.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This will be a very happy week for you. And you know what they’ve been saying about that for thousands of years, don’t you? “Happy Good! Me Like Happy!”

the daily humorscopes for april 22

 

Friday, April 22, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today someone sitting near you will make repeated nasal sounds that will eventually drive you screaming from the room. Try to avoid attacking them with a box of kleenex upon re-entering the room.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Oddly, despite the impression you gained from a television commercial, your new soap will not inspire unusual levels of grinning in the shower.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Bad day to feed the Bengal tiger. Let someone else do it, today. Probably just an “off” batch of the Purina Tiger Chow, but why risk it?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
What goes around will come around, today. Metaphorically speaking, that is.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
People will stare at you today. Unknown to you, you are starting to look more and more like a large frog. A career in basketball may be in your future.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
This will be a very happy week for you. And you know what they’ve been saying about that for thousands of years, don’t you? “Happy Good! Me Like Happy!”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today you will suddenly realize how sensuous pudding can be. This will mark a turning point in your life.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you’ll become incensed at the thought that you missed out on all the fun during the 60’s and 70’s, and will change your name to “Sunflower” in protest.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to go around “nudging” people.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Fortune will smile upon you today. Actually, it’s more of a smirk.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
It’s ok to spill the wine today, if you feel you really have to. Under no circumstance should you dig that girl, however.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will be pestered by a small fluffy animal today. Don’t be taken in by appearances — it’s actually a mutant from outer space.

Weekend Lunar Love Horoscope for April 15 – 17

Weekend Love: Lunar Love

Brace Yourself

April 15 – 17

Friday is the quiet before the storm. The Moon in analytical Virgo is concerned with being neat, clean and orderly. No emotional messes or personal excesses are welcome in this productive and polite environment. Still, a lunar opposition to self-conscious Venus could produce a delicate moment or two in the afternoon. Is she or he flirting or is this really all about business? It may be tricky to read the signals you’re getting or even to assess your own feelings. Your best strategy is to enjoy the moment without making too much of it.

Saturday finds the Moon in Libra, the relationship sign that’s made for connecting with others. However, the Moon runs a gauntlet of stressful planetary aspects with edgy Uranus, punishing Pluto, aggressive Mars and restrictive Saturn that makes this a less than mellow day. Trying to accommodate and meet others halfway is Libra’s job, but even an expert peacemaker might have difficulty maintaining a cool attitude in this overheated environment.

Engaging in vigorous physical activities is an ideal way to burn off this intense energy, yet it’s best not to try anything dangerous under these risky conditions. Imbalance in relationships is also possible as one person is discontent, angry or upset and the other does everything she or he can to calm the situation. It may be wiser to get out of the line of fire if it’s obvious that emotions have overcome reason.

Sunday’s Libra Full Moon should bring issues to a head, hopefully clearing the air and making room for a fresh start.

Daily Horoscopes for April 9th

Daily Horoscopes

Saturday 9th, 2011

Aries

March 21 to April 20

You are currently in a cycle of spiritual development, aided by negotiations with both hidden aspects of life and encounters that challenge your problem-solving abilities. You are currently entering an initial four month period of a longer cycle that shapes your spirituality through such encounters. There?s more ahead in 2012 

 

Taurus

April 21 to May 21

Your visions are giving birth to new goals and new ways to achieve them, calling on your creativity. You?re also mixing with a different type of person, making new friends. Your experiences in the two months around June 3, 2011 highlight these trends, culturing directions and creativity. You?ll be much more adept by the end of this cycle in early 2013. 

 

Gemini

May 22 to June 22

New career aspirations are being nurtured during the next four months, requiring the development of artistic or creative skills. This trend will also initiate career opportunities that allows for the employment of such talents. You need to be patient with the development of this potential for this phase is not complete until the New Year of 2013. 

 

Cancer

June 23 to July 23

Your desires to travel and learn are currently being stimulated 

 

Leo

July 24 to August 23

The developing financial potential of the four months centred on June 3, 2011 will grow in magnitude until late January 2013. You need to feel your way with these matters as you are unfamiliar with certain associated aspects. Trust is an important part of this cycle, but you must also ensure that such trust is not misplaced. Expect more action early in 2012. 

 

Virgo

August 24 to September 23

New dimensions are being experienced in marriage or a partnership, which many Virgos feel is ideal. The coming four months initiates a new sequence in a longer term trend that sees you identify more strongly with a charismatic individual, with whom you are closely aligned. February and March 2012, then August 2012 to January 2013 enhance such associations. 

 

Libra

September 24 to October 23

Your creative work potential is being unleashed during the coming four months, seeing the development of a skillset that can be used in the real world. As such, job opportunities are also being cultured, so that by the end of January 2013 you will be much happier with the state of such affairs 

 

Scorpio

October 24 to November 22

The budding potential of romance tantalises Scorpio individuals over the coming eighteen to twenty-one months, creating a truly memorable relationship. You feel that you have so much in common with this individual, who lives up to your ideals. This cycle also promotes fertility and involvement with children, so new experiences are also being shaped during the course of this sequence. 

 

Sagittarius

November 23 to December 21

Your domestic life is very fluid and mutable, ideally, allowing you a degree of freedom. Over the coming eighteen to twenty-one months, some aspect of your family life is becoming more ideal, with the initial phase beginning in the next four months. Family members also exhibit a great deal of compassion towards each other, adding to the idyllic state of affairs. 

 

Capricorn

December 22 to January 19

You?re exploring new ways of daily life, involving flexible schedules, freely-structured relationships with neighbours, and the investigation of local variability. There seems to be some secretiveness or seclusion to all this, ensuring that you blend into the background whilst establishing important contacts. You?ll do this well in the coming four months 

 

Aquarius

January 20 to February 18

The exploration of unknown financial potential seems to be a developing theme during the coming four months, calling on all your creative and intuitive skills to get things going. There?ll be further developments in February and March 2012 and August 2012 to January 2013, as you cultivate your talents and income-earning potential. 

 

Pisces

February 2 to March 20

Pisceans are on a journey of personal discovery during April to July 2011, February and March 2012, and August 2012 to January 2013 

Daily Humorscopes

Friday, April 8th
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
As a joke today, you will get an alarmed expression on your face, crouch on someone’s carpet, and start making disgusting “huck, huck!” sounds. The joke’s on you, though, since they will insist that you eat some hairball remedy.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will discover that you have no real friends. Or at least, that they don’t cast a shadow.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will write a newspaper article about the Internet today. Why not? Everybody else has.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Excellent day to be expansive and benevolent. It will make people worry.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You look ridiculous in that. Go and change.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will vow to always tell the truth, but it will backfire on you. Most people find that kind of behavior highly suspicious, and more than a little deviant.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will mosey, this week. There’s nothing that wrong with moseying, after all, and it’s occasionally just what is needed. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on “Mosey Your Way To Fitness”, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Try to avoid nibbling on things today. Despite recent developments, you don’t actually know your friend that well yet.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)You will invent a new type of bath toy today. It will bring you fame and fortune, although it will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Excellent day to do something new with bean curd.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Avoid yodeling today.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)Your main problem? You’re not eating NEARLY enough strudel

Element of Earth

Element of Earth

Earth is the universal archetype of the divine feminine. Our planet is fondly called Mother Earth, the Great Mother and Gaia among many others. She represents the inexhaustible spirit of creation and is associated with abundance. When we work with earth, not only are we calling the great expanse of our planet – its mountains, caves minerals, and deserts – but we are also invoking her support and massive strength. From her energies hidden treasure, and she is the proof that material things can be manifested from the divine.

The earth gives all living things the space and minerals they need to grow, so when we call earth into our circle as we stand at the north quarter, we are inviting the living essence of our planet to join us in our celebrations and our magic. We are asking that this energy lend its aid to the work we are doing. When we ask for blessings from the north, we are envisioning abundance, stability, protection and room to grow in a positive way.

Throughout the history of magic the element of earth has been associated with a variety of deities, spirits and angels. You can use what you like, as long as you remember the underlying basic: Earth is earth is earth. We can use a lot of breath with long invocation, and draw exquisite, complicated sigils and dress it up all we want but it is still dirt.

From the magical (as well as the esoteric alchemical) viewpoint, earth has the lowest vibration of the four elements because it is solidly manifest in our world. In astrology those signs symbolized by the earth element are Capricorn (motivated earth); Taurus (rooted earth); and Virgo (changing earth). As the moon moves through each sign for approximately two and a half days each moth, you will have an opportunity to work with the moon’s receptive energy in that sign. If you wanted to work on the structure of something, then you would choose a day when the moon is in Capricorn. If you wish to keep things the same or stockpile something, they moon in Taurus is perfect time for such a spell or ritual. If you need to make changes to a structure, investigate something, or find the “bugs” in a system, then the Virgo moon is the perfect time.