Tag: September 23 – October 22

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Although you will attempt to thwart your obsession (tying things up with twine) by avoiding twine for the entire day today, it will continue to plague your thoughts. In other words, you will not knot for naught.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You will wake with a start tonight, and hear a sound like that of a whole herd of capybara snuffling around in your closet. Fortunately, when you switch on the light, that will turn out to be all it is.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Today one or more close relations will pout. You will stoicly endure this, and will steadfastly refuse to relinquish control of the remote control.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You will feel an odd compulsion to stack books, symmetrically, in the public library. Try to resist it.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Someone will soon approach you with an idea. Stay well clear of it.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified…will be nice to you. This is a good time to be afraid.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Good day to appreciate the beauty and wonder of life, and to see how far you can spit. Other people may find that incongruous, but you’ll see the inner truth, and it will set you free.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Paper airplane day, today. Have as much fun as you can stand — tomorrow will be ugly.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Try to avoid nibbling on things today. Despite recent developments, you don’t actually know your friend that well yet.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

So, you’ve decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I’d mention that.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Excellent time to start a new company, making software to help people with mental problems. You will call it SchizoSoft. Your motto: “Who Do You Want To Be Today?”

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Today you’ll develop a rare mental disorder, causing you to mix metaphors. But don’t you worry — you can’t make an omlette without a silver lining, and in this case, you’ll discover that everyone will confuse mixed metaphors with management potential. BIG promotion in store.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Good day to remember your kinship with all living things. Except perhaps mildew. There’s no point in remembering your kinship with mildew, at least not today.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Excellent day to walk around wearing a white lab coat and carrying a clipboard.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Remember: loose lips sink ships. The really strange thing is, nobody’s ever been able to explain to me why ships have lips in the first place, especially if they’re that risky.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You’re fussing with your hair too much. Perhaps you should temporarily cut back on shampoo. Or at least demand real poo.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

And old friend will call today, who you haven’t talked to in years. He’ll remind you that you owe him money.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

To your chagrin and horror, you will find yourself humming along with “muzac” in the grocery store. It’s the beginning of the long slow slide, I’m afraid. Next stop: collecting “nick knacks”.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Today you will find a really big piece of lint in your pocket. That’s it, though, for today’s excitement.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You will make people squirm, today. Surprisingly, some of them will show remarkable talent at squirming.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Twelve freshly cut rods (made from ash) will be found in a peculiar pattern on the lawn. Two large black crows will watch you solemnly from the top of a parked VW Microbus. The weather will turn colder, and the air, although clear, will seem grey. Don’t worry, though, it’s probably nothing.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You will attain your dream of having your own cooking show, but it will become tiresome when you have to battle your way past people dressed as chickens to get into the studio each day.