Tag: LIBRA

the daily humorscopes for april 22

 

Friday, April 22, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today someone sitting near you will make repeated nasal sounds that will eventually drive you screaming from the room. Try to avoid attacking them with a box of kleenex upon re-entering the room.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Oddly, despite the impression you gained from a television commercial, your new soap will not inspire unusual levels of grinning in the shower.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Bad day to feed the Bengal tiger. Let someone else do it, today. Probably just an “off” batch of the Purina Tiger Chow, but why risk it?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
What goes around will come around, today. Metaphorically speaking, that is.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
People will stare at you today. Unknown to you, you are starting to look more and more like a large frog. A career in basketball may be in your future.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
This will be a very happy week for you. And you know what they’ve been saying about that for thousands of years, don’t you? “Happy Good! Me Like Happy!”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today you will suddenly realize how sensuous pudding can be. This will mark a turning point in your life.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you’ll become incensed at the thought that you missed out on all the fun during the 60’s and 70’s, and will change your name to “Sunflower” in protest.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to go around “nudging” people.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Fortune will smile upon you today. Actually, it’s more of a smirk.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
It’s ok to spill the wine today, if you feel you really have to. Under no circumstance should you dig that girl, however.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will be pestered by a small fluffy animal today. Don’t be taken in by appearances — it’s actually a mutant from outer space.

Daily Horoscopes for April 9th

Daily Horoscopes

Saturday 9th, 2011

Aries

March 21 to April 20

You are currently in a cycle of spiritual development, aided by negotiations with both hidden aspects of life and encounters that challenge your problem-solving abilities. You are currently entering an initial four month period of a longer cycle that shapes your spirituality through such encounters. There?s more ahead in 2012 

 

Taurus

April 21 to May 21

Your visions are giving birth to new goals and new ways to achieve them, calling on your creativity. You?re also mixing with a different type of person, making new friends. Your experiences in the two months around June 3, 2011 highlight these trends, culturing directions and creativity. You?ll be much more adept by the end of this cycle in early 2013. 

 

Gemini

May 22 to June 22

New career aspirations are being nurtured during the next four months, requiring the development of artistic or creative skills. This trend will also initiate career opportunities that allows for the employment of such talents. You need to be patient with the development of this potential for this phase is not complete until the New Year of 2013. 

 

Cancer

June 23 to July 23

Your desires to travel and learn are currently being stimulated 

 

Leo

July 24 to August 23

The developing financial potential of the four months centred on June 3, 2011 will grow in magnitude until late January 2013. You need to feel your way with these matters as you are unfamiliar with certain associated aspects. Trust is an important part of this cycle, but you must also ensure that such trust is not misplaced. Expect more action early in 2012. 

 

Virgo

August 24 to September 23

New dimensions are being experienced in marriage or a partnership, which many Virgos feel is ideal. The coming four months initiates a new sequence in a longer term trend that sees you identify more strongly with a charismatic individual, with whom you are closely aligned. February and March 2012, then August 2012 to January 2013 enhance such associations. 

 

Libra

September 24 to October 23

Your creative work potential is being unleashed during the coming four months, seeing the development of a skillset that can be used in the real world. As such, job opportunities are also being cultured, so that by the end of January 2013 you will be much happier with the state of such affairs 

 

Scorpio

October 24 to November 22

The budding potential of romance tantalises Scorpio individuals over the coming eighteen to twenty-one months, creating a truly memorable relationship. You feel that you have so much in common with this individual, who lives up to your ideals. This cycle also promotes fertility and involvement with children, so new experiences are also being shaped during the course of this sequence. 

 

Sagittarius

November 23 to December 21

Your domestic life is very fluid and mutable, ideally, allowing you a degree of freedom. Over the coming eighteen to twenty-one months, some aspect of your family life is becoming more ideal, with the initial phase beginning in the next four months. Family members also exhibit a great deal of compassion towards each other, adding to the idyllic state of affairs. 

 

Capricorn

December 22 to January 19

You?re exploring new ways of daily life, involving flexible schedules, freely-structured relationships with neighbours, and the investigation of local variability. There seems to be some secretiveness or seclusion to all this, ensuring that you blend into the background whilst establishing important contacts. You?ll do this well in the coming four months 

 

Aquarius

January 20 to February 18

The exploration of unknown financial potential seems to be a developing theme during the coming four months, calling on all your creative and intuitive skills to get things going. There?ll be further developments in February and March 2012 and August 2012 to January 2013, as you cultivate your talents and income-earning potential. 

 

Pisces

February 2 to March 20

Pisceans are on a journey of personal discovery during April to July 2011, February and March 2012, and August 2012 to January 2013 

Daily Humorscopes

Friday, April 8th
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
As a joke today, you will get an alarmed expression on your face, crouch on someone’s carpet, and start making disgusting “huck, huck!” sounds. The joke’s on you, though, since they will insist that you eat some hairball remedy.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will discover that you have no real friends. Or at least, that they don’t cast a shadow.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will write a newspaper article about the Internet today. Why not? Everybody else has.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Excellent day to be expansive and benevolent. It will make people worry.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You look ridiculous in that. Go and change.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will vow to always tell the truth, but it will backfire on you. Most people find that kind of behavior highly suspicious, and more than a little deviant.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will mosey, this week. There’s nothing that wrong with moseying, after all, and it’s occasionally just what is needed. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on “Mosey Your Way To Fitness”, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Try to avoid nibbling on things today. Despite recent developments, you don’t actually know your friend that well yet.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)You will invent a new type of bath toy today. It will bring you fame and fortune, although it will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Excellent day to do something new with bean curd.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Avoid yodeling today.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)Your main problem? You’re not eating NEARLY enough strudel

the daily humorscopes for 3/31

Thursday, March 31, 2011
 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A huge red balloon will float by you, today, being pursued by a small person of the French persuasion, and a film crew. If you wish to cause cross-cultural mirth, cross your eyes, talk in a high pitched voice, and whack yourself in the head with a baguette. Otherwise, don’t.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
I see you making a special trip to the store today, to get something. It’s in a sort of yellow-ish little box, about the size of a toothpaste box, I think. It’s “prep-something”? Ah! “Preparation”-something, I think. Oh. Ahem. Anyway, if it’s any consolation, I hear that Jet Fighter pilots have that problem much worse than most people. All that acceleration, you know. Don’t worry — your secret is safe with me!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good day to review what you know about hamsters. I think that’s all I should really say, except possibly that it’s often considered impolite to see how much food you can pack into your cheeks, when dining out.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
High winds today. Good day to try out your new cement kite!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
People will stare at you today. Unknown to you, you are starting to look more and more like a large frog. A career in basketball may be in your future.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will flip a coin 4 times, and it will come up “heads”, “tails”, “heads”, “heads.” Then someone will come up and say “hey, whatcha doing?” Then the phone will ring. Just a coincidence, though, in this case.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You just need to start believing in yourself. Try getting other people to clap their hands, if they believe in you.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Through a casual remark in an elevator, you will realize that both you and your fellow passenger have seen John Cleese’s informational film called How To Irritate People. By the time you reach the 10th floor, you will both be severely vexed with one another.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing. Better come up with some new excuses, quick! You can do that while you’re coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
In a rather bizarre and unfortunate turn of events today, your lips will go ballistic. Shortly thereafter, your Ziggy Marley accent will kick in. You will be comforted to know that those are simply the first two signs of a “spaz attack”, which is more common than most people realize, and usually non-fatal.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Nobody knows the trouble you’ve seen. Except for Bob, that is. You know – the quiet neighbor, with the binoculars?
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
If you keep going the way you are, you’ll soon be fit as a fiddle! (And as you know, a fiddle is very buff, for a stringed instrument.)

 

the daily humorscopes for 3/29

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will begin an evil project, in secret. You will be successful. Although why you want to produce a cross between a St. Bernard and a chihuahua is anybody’s guess.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Someone nearby will make disgusting slurping sounds in your favorite restaurant. You’ll retaliate by glaring pointedly, and by eating your linguini with your fingers.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as “Frijole-breath” before the day is through.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Several extremely hungry creatures will look at you strangely, today. Throw them a raisin cookie.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good day to bring an asparagus sandwich and a nice thermos of Cream-of-Meatloaf Soup for lunch.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Despite protests from a variety of organizations, you will organize a charity event called a “squid fling.” Due in part to excellent media coverage, you will be quite successful. Mostly, though, you will succeed because nearly everyone has a secret desire to fling a squid.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment, you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say “Hay!”
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will accidentally step on someone’s foot, and they will say “Ow!”. That’s when I usually say “No pain, no gain.” Sometimes people don’t like me. I’ve never figured out why.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will find happiness. It will look a lot like tranquility, only a bit fluffier.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Confucious said “Choose a job you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life.” Confucious was a Harvard man, you know, with a huge trust fund. He certainly never “worked” a day, himself. I wouldn’t take what he said too literally, in your case.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will discover proof that Sports Utility Vehicles are tangible evidence of Evil. Sadly, others will fail to heed your warnings.

 

the daily humorscopes for 3/28

Monday, March 28, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today old Monty Python skits will keep running, unbidden, through your mind. The only cure will be to be to drink a glass of a fine Australian wine, which has a bouquet like an aborigine’s armpit.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Through a casual remark in an elevator, you will realise that both you and your fellow passenger have seen John Cleese’s informational film called How To Irritate People. By the time you reach the 10th floor, you will both be severely vexed with one another.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Excellent day to devour fruit, while making snarling sounds and glaring at persons nearby. Next, tear the heads off the carnations and stuff them partway up your nose, and make strange wuffling sounds while vigorously wiggling your eyebrows. Or don’t, if you’re going to be stuffy. It’s your life.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Beware of being cautious, today.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I’m Ok, You’re A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having “defined” the current decade.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will get one of those pre-mixed salads in a new high-tech bag that “breathes”. Or, in this case, wheezes.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You know that how you dress will inevitably send a message to those around you. In this case, your message is “Help! Help!”
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say “bad bush!” in a loud stern tone.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will discover what Shakespeare actually meant, when he wrote “Hey nonny, nonny”, in Much Ado About Nothing. It turns out that it was simply in-field chatter that somehow made it into the play, and that Shakespeare not only enjoyed softball, but was a reasonably good shortstop.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You’ve about had it with one particular fool in your life. Have you considered investing in a tranquilizer gun? Mine comes in very handy, especially at work.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will discover a causative link between politics and food. While the liberalizing action of granola has long been commented upon, and the patriotism-enhancing qualities of apple pie are well established by now, you will go further. In fact, you will discover several other links. Fiscal Conservatism? Tuna Hot Dish. Reactionary Bible-thumping? Grits. Idealism? Pizza with artichokes. You’ll even (eventually) uncover the link between saturated fat and Rush Limbaugh!
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
If you don’t start relaxing a bit before lunch, you’re going to develop a close cousin to IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) — the dreaded Disgruntled Stomache.