My Goddess in My Life
My eyes wander up to the sky and back to the earth, my mind drifting as my body slows. I feel her around me. My heart quickens. A light sweat forms on my brow but still knowing she is near calms my muscles. All at once, I am ready to move or ready to relax. I know she helps guide my path in this world. I asked her to help me make decision with me, not for me.
She is Freya, the Goddess whom I love with all of me. By profession, I am a soldier and have been for 18 years, but I enjoy a softer side of life as well in writing and poetry. She is my muse; she is a lover and a warrior, a strong woman who knows what she wants and is willing to make sacrifices to meet her goals, inspiring me to do the same: to look at the world through another’s eyes, from a different point of view, to see things with a glowing halo of light.
I feel her presence in the love of my wife. The tender care she gives me. Her understated strength; I can feel it in her words. She helps me and guides me. We are a team and accomplish things as one.
I have written before here and some of you may remember that this is my third tour in Iraq. I have never asked to given anything from her, but for advice and guidance only. I ask for safe journeys and if I must fight that, I do so with honor and integrity. That if I die it is on my own terms and that I may do so with respect and honor and in the aid my friends.
In my life, I have always felt the strength in a feminine power. A mother watching over me keeping me safe, a lover holding me in her arms letting my soul rest in her tender hold. In the presence of women I feel refreshed.
When I feel the presence of my Goddess near I feel as if the world will bow to me. I ask her to guide me and help the things in my life have fall into place. I trust in her and knowing that as long as I uphold the promises I have made, not only to myself but to her as well.
The devotion I have for my Goddess feels more like a relationship than worshipping. We seem to have a give and take. Sometimes if I get too full of myself she lets me stubble a bit to remind me I need to have humility.
When I am living clean and doing the right thing, I have found that for no reason things fall into my lap and gifts both mental and physical appear in my path for me. I know at that time I need to share them, not hold them all for me. True gifts are not yours to keep they are yours to share; it is a great responsibility and not one to be taken lightly. Even if the gift is a part of you, we must learn to give our time and our knowledge to help others.
I carry with me a few things at all times. One is a copy of the Nine Noble Virtues the other is a picture with a memorial poem of a friend, killed last year by a roadside bomb in Baghdad. The virtues are a constant reminder to me of the guidelines I work to live by each day. The picture of my friend reminds me that we can be taken at anytime and to live your life by touching and enriching the lives of others.
So here I sit, the middle of Iraq again. I know I am here for a reason; something started but left undone. I have begun by strengthening the position of the Pagan Open Circle here and with the help of other friends’ state side I am working towards a higher level of religious awareness in the military. I know if I trust in her and make sound decisions our goals will be met, together.
I know she will not do everything for me, I would never ask that, if she did the goals that are met would not feel as sweet and I would feel a lacking inside of me. I need to earn my accomplishments.
I have learned that you must have honesty with yourself before you can have a trusting relationship with anyone else. Feel the honesty deep with in your soul. When I first felt it, I was scared, scared because of the raw truth I told myself. I instantly had to be with others; solitude was not what I felt I needed.
Nevertheless, it is exactly what I needed, the time to go over things in my mind to see that this is what I needed; it was the truth in my soul.
This is when I first felt her with me, I did not know who “She” was it was my first time with this emotion, this feeling, this presence. I started asking questions in the dim light of a campfire, seen flickering through the nylon of a tent. Speaking with a woman, a Goddess in her own right, her answers led me to more questions. I began reading and reading and reading.
Then a day came while reading, I saw her name and it felt good inside me when I said it, I know now it was her. She came to lift me up, to show me who I could become; the man I was meant to be. I thank her everyday for holding me safe for all these years, always there holding me but never wanting me to know she was there.
Now I’ve seen her in my heart and I feel her smile upon me.
By living a good life, acknowledging my weaknesses and my strengths, knowing my limitations, and pushing them a little further everyday, this is how I honor her. To show I am worthy of her graces, this is how I live. I thank her and every woman who has the Goddess in her — you know who you are –
You have touched my life and prepared me to be the man I am to become.