Good day to burst into song. Nothing too fancy, mind you — no arias. The theme song from “The Beverly Hillbillies” will do nicely. Why not see how many people you can get to sing along?

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Today you will attempt to capitalize on the success of SPAM by inventing SPEEF. Unfortunately, you would have been much better off trying to make SPICKEN, instead.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Beware of giant squids today. Other than that, a good day for a nice walk along the beach.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You are developing a strangely magnetic personality. Soon people you don’t even know will begin hanging around with you, hoping for some small sign of your attention. Also, iron filings will begin sticking to the tip of your nose.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

About your new idea… Sure, I’ll bet you could sell your handmade voodoo dolls by marketing them over the Internet. The competition, however, can be “fierce.” You might want to stop and consider how many flights of stairs you’re interested in falling down, before you commit yourself to that course of action…

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Today you will discover that you are capable of “channelling”, when you start spouting ancient sumerian curses at a short little dweeb who cuts you off in traffic. You will start taking notes in cuneiform.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I’m not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be “The Screaming Weasels.”

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

An odd smell, probably like that of chocolate milk drying on a linoleum floor, will bring back a flood of childhood memories. You will remember your locker combination from seventh grade, for example. Ironically, this will happen during a boring yet important meeting, and you will disgrace yourself by calling someone “booger-face”.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Beware of Doug.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You will get the peculiar urge to go outside and roll around in something yicky. Also, you’ll notice your ears are getting hairy.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as “launch codes”, “who’s been naughty”, or “Snerge”. This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Remember: you can’t tell your boss to get lost. You can, however, give him the wrong directions.