Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You will narrowly avoid a collision on the sidewalk today, as a small giggling person runs past you, being hotly pursued by a weeping incoherent person waving a ham sandwich. Aside from that, a pretty typical day.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Some strange “hooting” creature will hide in your bushes today. You should be able to drive it off by whacking the bushes soundly with a kitchen broom.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You are sad about an upcoming event, but can do nothing about it. Try knitting — people say it’s wonderfully relaxing.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

An elderly gentleman next to you on the bus will spontaneously combust, today, and you’ll become an instant celebrity when you put him out with a large diet coke. Eventually, they’ll make a prime-time TV drama about the incident.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Excellent day to come up with new theories to explain the universe around you. Remember: the simplest explanation is usually the best. For example, most physicists today subscribe to the “Big Band” theory of the creation of the universe. I have an alternate theory that I prefer, which I call “Tuba Ensemble”.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You will soon learn to fear and loath the word “diaper”. Don’t know why.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

When you were young, your heart was an open book. You used to say “live and let live”. But if this ever-changing world, which we live in, makes you give it a miss, say “live and let die”. Or something.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Good day for a nice nap.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Today is an excellent day to wink slyly at people, just as they are turning away. When they look back, smile innocently.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Good day to bring donuts to a meeting. Later, ask people how their diets are going.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You’ll find what you need under “Music, Instruction” and under “Cavorting, Instruction”. Don’t get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though — they’re really only needed by professionals.