the daily humorscopes for april 22

 

Friday, April 22, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today someone sitting near you will make repeated nasal sounds that will eventually drive you screaming from the room. Try to avoid attacking them with a box of kleenex upon re-entering the room.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Oddly, despite the impression you gained from a television commercial, your new soap will not inspire unusual levels of grinning in the shower.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Bad day to feed the Bengal tiger. Let someone else do it, today. Probably just an “off” batch of the Purina Tiger Chow, but why risk it?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
What goes around will come around, today. Metaphorically speaking, that is.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
People will stare at you today. Unknown to you, you are starting to look more and more like a large frog. A career in basketball may be in your future.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
This will be a very happy week for you. And you know what they’ve been saying about that for thousands of years, don’t you? “Happy Good! Me Like Happy!”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today you will suddenly realize how sensuous pudding can be. This will mark a turning point in your life.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you’ll become incensed at the thought that you missed out on all the fun during the 60’s and 70’s, and will change your name to “Sunflower” in protest.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to go around “nudging” people.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Fortune will smile upon you today. Actually, it’s more of a smirk.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
It’s ok to spill the wine today, if you feel you really have to. Under no circumstance should you dig that girl, however.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will be pestered by a small fluffy animal today. Don’t be taken in by appearances — it’s actually a mutant from outer space.

Daily Humorscopes

Friday, April 8th
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
As a joke today, you will get an alarmed expression on your face, crouch on someone’s carpet, and start making disgusting “huck, huck!” sounds. The joke’s on you, though, since they will insist that you eat some hairball remedy.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will discover that you have no real friends. Or at least, that they don’t cast a shadow.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will write a newspaper article about the Internet today. Why not? Everybody else has.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Excellent day to be expansive and benevolent. It will make people worry.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You look ridiculous in that. Go and change.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will vow to always tell the truth, but it will backfire on you. Most people find that kind of behavior highly suspicious, and more than a little deviant.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will mosey, this week. There’s nothing that wrong with moseying, after all, and it’s occasionally just what is needed. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on “Mosey Your Way To Fitness”, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Try to avoid nibbling on things today. Despite recent developments, you don’t actually know your friend that well yet.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)You will invent a new type of bath toy today. It will bring you fame and fortune, although it will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Excellent day to do something new with bean curd.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Avoid yodeling today.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)Your main problem? You’re not eating NEARLY enough strudel

the daily humorscopes for 3/31

Thursday, March 31, 2011
 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A huge red balloon will float by you, today, being pursued by a small person of the French persuasion, and a film crew. If you wish to cause cross-cultural mirth, cross your eyes, talk in a high pitched voice, and whack yourself in the head with a baguette. Otherwise, don’t.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
I see you making a special trip to the store today, to get something. It’s in a sort of yellow-ish little box, about the size of a toothpaste box, I think. It’s “prep-something”? Ah! “Preparation”-something, I think. Oh. Ahem. Anyway, if it’s any consolation, I hear that Jet Fighter pilots have that problem much worse than most people. All that acceleration, you know. Don’t worry — your secret is safe with me!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good day to review what you know about hamsters. I think that’s all I should really say, except possibly that it’s often considered impolite to see how much food you can pack into your cheeks, when dining out.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
High winds today. Good day to try out your new cement kite!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
People will stare at you today. Unknown to you, you are starting to look more and more like a large frog. A career in basketball may be in your future.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will flip a coin 4 times, and it will come up “heads”, “tails”, “heads”, “heads.” Then someone will come up and say “hey, whatcha doing?” Then the phone will ring. Just a coincidence, though, in this case.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You just need to start believing in yourself. Try getting other people to clap their hands, if they believe in you.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Through a casual remark in an elevator, you will realize that both you and your fellow passenger have seen John Cleese’s informational film called How To Irritate People. By the time you reach the 10th floor, you will both be severely vexed with one another.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing. Better come up with some new excuses, quick! You can do that while you’re coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
In a rather bizarre and unfortunate turn of events today, your lips will go ballistic. Shortly thereafter, your Ziggy Marley accent will kick in. You will be comforted to know that those are simply the first two signs of a “spaz attack”, which is more common than most people realize, and usually non-fatal.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Nobody knows the trouble you’ve seen. Except for Bob, that is. You know – the quiet neighbor, with the binoculars?
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
If you keep going the way you are, you’ll soon be fit as a fiddle! (And as you know, a fiddle is very buff, for a stringed instrument.)

 

the daily humorscopes for 3/29

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will begin an evil project, in secret. You will be successful. Although why you want to produce a cross between a St. Bernard and a chihuahua is anybody’s guess.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Someone nearby will make disgusting slurping sounds in your favorite restaurant. You’ll retaliate by glaring pointedly, and by eating your linguini with your fingers.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as “Frijole-breath” before the day is through.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Several extremely hungry creatures will look at you strangely, today. Throw them a raisin cookie.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good day to bring an asparagus sandwich and a nice thermos of Cream-of-Meatloaf Soup for lunch.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Despite protests from a variety of organizations, you will organize a charity event called a “squid fling.” Due in part to excellent media coverage, you will be quite successful. Mostly, though, you will succeed because nearly everyone has a secret desire to fling a squid.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment, you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say “Hay!”
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will accidentally step on someone’s foot, and they will say “Ow!”. That’s when I usually say “No pain, no gain.” Sometimes people don’t like me. I’ve never figured out why.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will find happiness. It will look a lot like tranquility, only a bit fluffier.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Confucious said “Choose a job you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life.” Confucious was a Harvard man, you know, with a huge trust fund. He certainly never “worked” a day, himself. I wouldn’t take what he said too literally, in your case.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will discover proof that Sports Utility Vehicles are tangible evidence of Evil. Sadly, others will fail to heed your warnings.

 

Daily Horoscopes for 3/1

 

General Daily Horoscope
We may feel as if anything is possible today as the Moon’s entry into futuristic Aquarius encourages us to cut our ties to the past. Alluring Venus forms a cooperative sextile to radical Uranus, attracting us to new experiences. Venus, too, enters Aquarius, further detaching our desires from our emotions. Anticipation can set us on edge and a lack of self-restraint may empower us to overreach our limits and take risks we might normally pass by.
Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Think twice before doing something that you might quickly regret. It doesn’t really matter if your intentions are good; you are so wrapped up in your needs that you could hurt someone’s feelings without even realizing what you did. Just because a plan makes immediate sense to you doesn’t mean that others will share your perspective. Talking things over with those you love will help in more ways than one.

 
Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

Even if you have been extremely cautious about expressing your needs, today you could strike like lightning and, in a flash, tell someone exactly what you want. Unfortunately, this could be a case of sharing too much information too quickly. Your ability to conform to social norms is impaired by unconventional Uranus’ sextile to your key planet Venus. Just because you want to color outside the lines now doesn’t mean that others will want to join you.

 
Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

Although you may be out to have some innocent fun, others could see your behavior as unnecessarily contrarian. Your expressions of individuality make you appear argumentative today, but you cannot be responsible for other people’s feelings, especially if they are so sensitive that they take offense to everything you do. Consider the consequences before you cross the line of good taste. Respecting everyone else’s boundaries is always a smart idea.

 
Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

Others around you seem to be enjoying the day, yet you are challenged with a familiar dilemma. You are being asked to choose between holding on to the status quo and making changes that will cut you loose from your past. Although you are eager to find a progressive solution, it’s not easy for you to let go of what you have now. Thankfully, you won’t have to turn your life upside down to move into the future. If you start by taking one small step at a time, you can reach your goals sooner than you think.

Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

It’s difficult for you to act with moderation, and your desire for extreme emotional interactions could stir up trouble today. You don’t see why you should have to curtail your desire for fun. You know what makes you feel good and you’re willing to involve others in your plan to find pleasure. Unfortunately, more is not always better. Figure out where your limits are before you go beyond them.

Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

Sharing all your feelings may not be the smartest thing to do today because you could shock others with your true desires. Surprising someone with what you really want may not be the worst thing in the world, but your intentions could be misunderstood. In fact, even a warm smile might be misinterpreted as an act of aggression. You don’t think you’re being too pushy, but your intensity can make others uncomfortable. Moderate your approach by asking for less while consciously softening the tone of your voice.

 
Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Your ruling planet Venus receives an electric shock from lightning-like Uranus today, zapping your personal life with possibilities that may be very destabilizing. Perhaps someone from work tries to distract you with an exciting invitation. Saying yes sounds like a good idea, but your involvement could create more trouble than fun. Give yourself permission to play, but don’t take it too far. If you overdo it, instant karma just might get you.

 
Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

You are able to speak and act with the power of your convictions now. Your originality can be more persuasive than you realize. Just make sure you know when to ease up in your approach. If you appear too aggressive today, you can ruin your chances for success. However, practicing flexibility and patience enables you to make the progress you desire.

 
Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Your hopes loom so large now that it feels as if you can reach out and touch your dreams. But everything is exaggerated these days, making it difficult to judge the real importance of your goals. Your current excitement warps your objectivity and clouds your common sense. If something looks very attractive today, wait a day or two before making any final decisions.

 
Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

You may feel relieved now that you get to have some fun. However, it’s challenging to keep it all in perspective because you can see that life will become serious again in the weeks ahead. You want to let loose, but you can’t shake the gnawing feeling that you should be doing something else that will prepare you for what’s ahead. It’s still a smart idea to enjoy yourself when the chance is presented; you’ll accomplish more at work if you also make time to relax.

 
Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

A lovely surprise could brighten your day in a way that’s totally unexpected. Nevertheless, you get to decide how to respond. Sweet Venus forms a supportive sextile with your key planet Uranus today, turning up the volume on your desires. Although you may have a hard time balancing all the variables, you don’t want to miss this special opportunity. Remember, a little moderation will save your day — taking on too much could spread you too thin.

 
Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

Sexy Venus is flirting with wild Uranus in your sign today, tempting you to say yes before you even know where you’re going. You may be seeing green lights, but keep in mind that things could change instantaneously if you don’t stay aware of everything that’s happening around you. Avoid any unpleasant surprises by focusing on the present moment throughout the entire day, instead of always thinking about what’s next.