Lighten Up – How to Become A Witch in Nine Easy Lessons

In the 1980’s it was fashionable to be interested in the New Age. This is now   a dreadful faux pas within the alternative scene, and in order to be accepted   in the 1990’s metaphysical social set, one must have an interest in   Witchcraft or Paganism. Of course, you don’t have to actually belong to a   coven in order to be thought of as a Witch, you can bluff your way into being   accepted as a fully fledged Witch simply by knowing a few terms and dressing   accordingly. This brings us to…

Rule # 1: Image is Everything. After all, what’s the good of being a Witch if   nobody knows you are one? You must therefore wear black at all times. If   possible, stay out of the sun until you become really pale, as this makes the   effect even better. For women (and adventurous males) dark eyeliner and black   nail polish can enhance this look. Also wear crystals and cheap occult   paraphernalia at all times, and make sure that these are as gaudy and bizarre   as possible, as this can only help your image. Wearing a pentacle around your   neck is an absolutely necessary accessory – the bigger the better! Capes and   cloaks are optional around town – it depends on how much of a visual impact   you want to make, but either of these are also crucial apparel at any ritual   or gathering that you may attend.

Rule # 2: Name Dropping is Good. Every serious student of The Craft (and I’m   talking here about the term for Witchcraft, not macrame) knows the name   Gerald Gardner. This man revitalised Witchcraft in the mid 1900’s with his   book about the true history of The Old Religion (some have called this book   pure fiction, but only those picky few who like books to be based on facts).   Real Witches however, never let historical accuracy get in the way of their   spiritual path, so in conversations with other witches, quote his name as   often as possible (in tones of awe) and you will always be rewarded with   smiles of acceptance.

Rule # 3: Past Life Name Dropping is Even Better. Tell everyone about the   past life memories that have been surfacing since you began studying the   Black Arts. It is especially useful to remember a past lifetime as a Witch   who was killed during the Inquisition, or at least recall a lifetime as a   famous occultist. My past lives have included Aleister Crowley, Cagliostro,   Mandrake the Magician, and most of the cast of “Bewitched”.

Rule # 4: Behave Strangely. Never forget why it was that you wanted to become   a Witch – yes, so that you have an excuse for strange behaviour. Previously   labelled eccentric behaviour patterns can now be accepted by others if they   have a reason to explain it, even if that reason for howling at full moons   while naked is simply, “He/she is a Witch, that’s normal for them evidently.”   So, don’t let your friends down, behave strangely, you can get away with it   now.

Rule # 5: Watch Occult Movies. Make sure that you watch the movie “Warlock”   lots of times to perfect those soft landings after over-indulging with the   flying ointments (read as mead and weed).

Rule # 6: Ready Yourself for Sex, Money and Power. Wasn’t this the other   reason you were drawn to Witchcraft? In the past, adepts of the occult were   known to possess charismatic, lusty and powerful personas – when people find   out that you are a Witch, they may automatically assume (and therefore   empower you) with these same qualities. This may sound pretty good, but   unfortunately in today’s world, another group of people have become even more   established within the realms of kinky sex sessions and unlimited power –   yes, the politicians! Beware of this elitist group of power-brokers… they   don’t want any competition to their manipulative monopoly over the gullible   public – hence the laws against Witchcraft and divination that have remained   unchanged for centuries. So, if calling yourself a High Priest doesn’t lead   you to unlimited sex, money and power – or if it does, but you then find   yourself as the target of political and legal harassment – you may have to   put aside your cloak and broomstick and pick up a pin-stripe suit and a   back-bench in Parliament. If you can’t beat them, try bribery, then if that   doesn’t work… join them!

Rule # 7: Atmosphere is Essential. Your home must reflect your Witchy nature.   Incense must burn continuously. It’s important that visitors see clouds of   incense smoke billowing from a spluttering censer in the corner of your dim,   dank and dusty home, so dismantle the smoke detectors and start collecting   strange little bottles of exotic looking ingredients (use your imagination   and label them with names like powdered bat’s eyes, or dried dragon’s   gonads). And if you don’t like housework, you can explain that the layer of   dust that covers your floors and furniture helps to neutralise the highly   charged psychic energy that results from your magical spells, thereby   protecting your home and possessions from electromagnetic disintegration.

Rule # 8: Be Patronising to Christians. In social discussions don’t forget to   make plenty of derogatory remarks about fundamentalist Christians, but   remember to save your most biting comments for other Witches that you don’t   get along with.

Rule # 9: Brag About Your Psychic Powers. Any self-respecting Witch will tell   you that after their initiation to Witchcraft, their psychic powers awakened   and their tarot cards (which they always carry with them) are now much easier   to read (they now get something right once in a while). They will also tell   you that they can now sense energy fields (in other words, they don’t bump   into things as often as they used to). Follow this example and brag about the   rapid development of your psychic abilities since your initiation. If asked   about your initiation ceremony, simply state that you were sworn to secrecy   about it, then quickly change the subject by mentioning your newly awakened   ability to detect Ley-lines, but try to remember that a Ley-line is not a   queue for the after-ritual orgy!

Now you know how to pass yourself off as a real Witch, so place that   broomstick in a conspicuous corner (one that is not clouded by too much   incense smoke); pull on those black clothes; give everyone that you meet a   sinister look – and your social status will improve overnight. If you do all   of this successfully, you may even find yourself with enough adoring acolytes   so that you can start your own coven! Good luck and Blessed Be!