So Many Questions and Ideas…
Author: Divine Witch
I have decided to be a witch. Well, I think I have. For the past three years I have been going back and forth with the infatuation with Wicca and Witchcraft. But really it started before that. As a child, I wondered about Voodoo or Black Magic. My grandmother was afraid of it. She would tell me not to let people play in my hair because they could use the hair strand to put a curse on me. Also, she didn’t like me giving pictures out to friends for the same reason. I always thought she was a bit paranoid about the whole thing. So I grew up with that and for that reason I never really heard about good witches, the ones that practice good or white magic. Except maybe the ones in fairy tales or Disney. But we all know that stuff is a joke anyway.
Of course for Halloween, kids dressed as Witches, Wizards and things of that nature. I was a Witch quite a few times. My granny (yes the same one) even made me a witch costume from scratch one year. Then when I was about thirteen, I got invited to a Halloween party last minute and had nothing to wear. So my aunt made me into a Gypsy.
I had no idea what a Gypsy was at the time. But it was fun being dressed up in all of the jewelry and other things she put on me. I don’t remember everything I had on but I do remember it was fun, and that she went a little overboard. Damn, I wish I had a picture. So really, that’s all I got about Witches and stuff like that. I always assumed it was just fairy tale Disney stuff and that it was never really real.
Then when I became an adult I had an older boyfriend who swore his last girlfriend and well as another did Voodoo on him. He would tell me stories on what happened to him. Now I’m not saying that Voodoo is nonsense or that it doesn’t exist but sometimes he was a little dramatic also. So even though I partly believed him, I was becoming more interested about it by this time.
In 2000, I took a Tarot reading class and ended up buying two decks of cards. One I actually used and the other for was more for collection purposes. Still have them I believe. After my youngest son was born in 2001, I used the deck to do readings on myself, mostly for practice. Since I wasn’t really good about reading due to lack of experience, I didn’t really understand what I was getting. But I wrote it down to see if it would make sense later. And sometimes it did. Years went on and I would be touch and go with things; I wore an Amethyst pendant around my neck or maybe I would carry a “good luck charm” in my purse from time to time.
Then in 2007 it happened. By this time I was heavy into Native American studies and culture (still am as that is my heritage) and was looking to connect more with Natives. I ran into a lady on a Native American news/culture/events website and she told me about a retreat that is held every year in June. I received more information about it and wanted to go. So I went and found about Goddess worshiping and the moon cycles, and loads of other stuff I never really thought about. Oh, and I participated in a sweat lodge too. Wore me out but it was a nice experience. But the whole three days was an eye opener for me. It was full of women, regular women like myself that were Witches.
I went home with my head spinning and swimming with ideas and thoughts. I never knew there were publications catered to the Goddess or Witches. I never really heard of Wicca either. All I heard about was the negative stuff. So I bought Scott Cunningham books and Sage Woman magazines. Then I started purchasing candles, athames, seashells for incense burning and other things for my altar. And I really wanted to work with herbs. I even wanted to grow my own herbs for magickal purposes.
Then I would practice. Or try to. I could not concentrate. For one, I was waiting on one of my kids to get out of bed and disturb me, or the phone to ring or whatever. My brain would never shut up, that didn’t help either. So I grew frustrated and walked away from it. Well, not entirely. I would still pick up a Sage Woman magazine every so often or read about the Salem Witch Trials. But then it was hard because school kept me busy and I really couldn’t dedicate myself to it.
And now here I am again with all of this time gone by and still basically at square one. I know so much but still know so little, feeling just as lost as before. So now I do have a couple of friends that I could get insight from but one lives in Canada and the other does not practice really anymore either. So in between being uneducated and being in an area where witchcraft is taboo I am stuck. And I don’t like being stuck.
So you’re probably asking was is the point of all of this? Well, it’s really because I need some help. And maybe I felt that I needed to say this and I has helped me realized some my problems too. One of the reasons I felt I could not concentrate is I still have some stigmatizing behavior and thinking to take care of. And I also realized that I am more passionate about Witchcraft and root work. Go figure, huh?
So now I need to find someone or something to help me on that path while working with the stigma and other things as well. But how do I get over that? How long is it going to take before I feel like a real Witch? But hey, I’m getting there. As a kid I never thought it would come to this.
Slowly but surely.