the daily humorscope
Wednesday, February 08, 2012
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Try to work the words “happenstance” and “ineffable” into your conversation today. It turns out that most people believe any sentence that has the word “ineffable” in it. Such as that one.
You will meet a tough challenge in a very resourceful way, today, using only a Swiss Army Knife, a transistor radio, and oven cleaner.
Everyone who drives by today will stick their head out their car window, give you a big dopey look, and flop their tongue around in the wind. If you had known this was “act like a dog” day, you might have been better prepared.
Beware the Ides of March. Also, if you have a friend named “Brutus”, it might behoove you to be a trifle more selective…
What you are about to do is wrong. Of course, you will only find that out much later. For now, enjoy yourself!
Not a good time to go forth and conquer. Try going fifth, and hover in the background.
Through a casual remark in an elevator, you will realise that both you and your fellow passenger have seen John Cleese’s informational film called How To Irritate People. By the time you reach the 10th floor, you will both be severely vexed with one another.
Try to avoid nibbling on things today. Despite recent developments, you don’t actually know your friend that well yet.
You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the “Bulghur Baron”. You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone’s amazement, you’ll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.
It was a simple mistake, which anyone could have made. What’s more, now you know better. I think, though, that the expression is too widespread for you to actually get it changed to “never look a gift horse in either end”.
You are being stalked by an invisible mutant from Planet 7. Or at least, you’ll find that this makes an excellent excuse for not doing those outside chores today.
Someone will ask “How are you?” for the millionth time. You should celebrate the occasion by having a speech prepared – something embarassingly intimate is usually best. “Glad you asked, Bob. I’m having a darned tough time getting rid of these pesky genital warts, for one thing…”