the daily humorscopes for Wednesday, May 18

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will watch a lot of TV today. But that’s ok, if that’s really what you want.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will narrowly avoid a collision on the sidewalk today, as a small giggling person runs past you, being hotly pursued by a weeping incoherent person waving a ham sandwich. Aside from that, a pretty typical day.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Someone nearby will make disgusting slurping sounds in your favorite restaurant. You’ll retaliate by glaring pointedly, and by eating your linguini with your fingers.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will snidely snicker at someone today. That’s not going to make you many friends, you know. Instead, you should cheerfully chuckle.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will send away for the pamphlet titled “The Manly Art Of Knitting”, today, but sadly, it will be out of print. You should check with a rare books merchant.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Your friend will betray you today, and will hide from you under office furniture. Hey, don’t ask me. I just see the future, I don’t explain it.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Due to a bump on the head today, you will lose all memory of what you did with your keys. Or at least, that always makes a dandy excuse.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will decide to go into the swimwear market, and will become famous by making things out of stainless steel.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
It’s ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They’re probably just jealous.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble’s “How To Get Noticed.”)
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will be “mooned” by a cat. Fortunately, you won’t notice.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will be struck by an odd thought, today. Fortunately it will be only a glancing blow, and will do little actual damage.